There was a time when the different variations of the “Why are you single” question used to drive me nuts. Even when I knew the person asking meant well (is there such a thing?) I would always get in the defense mode and eventually depressed. The underlying question that I always used to hear was “What is wrong with you?” This happened to be the same question I was asking myself. Even when I would put on a tough face and act like I was having a ball being single, at the end of the day, when I turn into my cold bed to find loneliness waiting for me, the question “What is wrong with me” would plague me late into the night.
My neighbor who cut my lawn for me yesterday asked me “Where is your husband?” I just smiled at him and told him he is out there somewhere. He asked me how old I was and flattered me by guessing I was 6 years younger than I am, turned out he is two years my junior. I did get a hug from him when I told him it was my birthday. He asked for my number so he can take me out later but I told him I’ll give it to him next time. Umm…excuse me but he was the one who asked could he cut my lawn so he can have some money to get his ID, took the cash I had on me and he was offering to take me out to dinner? Anyways, I digress. Later I was thinking that my reaction to why I was single has changed. I didn’t give it any thought after that, nor did I revert to asking myself what is wrong with me, I just brushed it off. The other day when I had crashed a friend’s wedding where I knew all the bride grooms, they told me the next wedding they will be attending would be mine and asked me if I had a fiancé. I told them, “Yes I have a fiancé!! I just haven’t met him yet.” That was the end of that conversation.
But honestly, why am I single? I don’t believe it is because there are no good men out there, or lack of marriage offers. I think I am single because I subconsciously was turned off marriage by my parents. My mom was a homemaker and I watched her stay with my dad because of the “security” the marriage offered her. She actually believed and told me that she did not think our family would survive should my dad die. My mom also used to tell me had she known, she would never have gotten married or had kids. Geez, thanks mom!
So my whole adult life has been all about making it on my own without having to depend on a man. I swore after seeing the life my mother led I’ll never want to be soo dependent on a man that I will stay in an abusive marriage or relationship just because I could not make it on my own. The funny thing is, looking back, I can honestly say the men I have dated possessed most, if not all of the negative characteristics my dad had. Even though none of them physically abused me, the emotional abuse more than made up for that. And even though I didn’t need a man to make it in life, I had been subconsciously programmed to think that I am nothing without a man. That is why when somebody asked me why I was single, it felt more like an insult that in spite of me standing on my own two feet, it wasn’t enough if I wasn’t a Mrs. Somebody.
So what has changed that now I don’t feel the need to ask myself what is wrong with me, or feel that deep emptiness that comes when women believe there are nothing without a man? Self realization for one happened. I came to see that there is so much to my life than just being a lady in waiting for that man without a face. I realized I didn’t have to live my life in limbo waiting for prince charming or the knight in shining armor. The pain of being in emotionally abusive relationships became greater than the pain of being alone.
I always used to hear the phrase about wanting a man but not needing one. Even though back then I would say I do not need or want a man, deep down there was the gnawing NEED to be with just any man. I felt like the world was mocking me for “having it together” without a man. How dare I? Now I know what it means to want a man and not need one. More importantly, I have come to terms that I would not be selling out on myself by wanting a man, a good man in my life. What I am working on conquering is the fear that I will turn 60 years old still wanting a man. Would it be that bad?
What do you think? Is marriage an integral part of living…in that you haven’t really lived unless you are married and have kids to boot. Is it a cardinal sin being single for life, whether out of choice or because it was the hand that life dealt you?
