So it seemed benign enough. Go into the city and spend a weekend with my beloved wife. Turn off our cell phones, unplug the television and spend some "quality time" together while learning a new communication skill. We were obligated to do it. We ran out of excuses. We booked the weekend.

The first night seemed okay. A room full of strangers. A brief introduction of ourselves and them. A king-sized bed. A good night's sleep.

The next day was mentally taxing. The numerous sketches that I did on the notebook paper they provided should have been proof that their program was below my comprehension. I basically made pictures of icons based off of the things that they were saying, especially if they briefly caught my attention. The wife kept getting pissy over the pictures, but oh well. I burned through a few ball-point pens. Perhaps I should have brought my art set. We kept alternating in and out of the conference room, one half of the couple staying behind while the other went back to the room, then we'd convene, go over stuff and go back to the conference room. It was ball-shrinking cold in there. The top of my hands turned an eerie blue color before lunch. The food they provided was okay. My easily impressed wife liked the course. I didn't mind being involved, for the most part, there seemed to be an undiscovered social element to it.

So after getting us all revved up at the end of the evening, I wanted to forego the whole last assignment and make wild, crazy jungle circus sex in this king-sized bed that we were given. My wife, who threw up twice that day -- the final time with lettuce and sausage coming out of her nose -- decided that she'd rather emote... And eagerly started buzzing away at the last assignment. She was also hungry, and barked away orders to go get her some food.

I don't think I have ever left a hotel room -- with a beautiful woman in it -- that hard. I felt like Dean on Supernatural last week when he stopped to mention to Castille how he had never left a house of ill repute so hard. Well, furious (the anti-thesis of the whole weekend) I went down the street to the oasis of carbonated beverages and sweet/salty snacks. When I brought back her Sour Creme and Cheddar chips, I threw them at her in disgust. As much as this weekend may have been opening up some sort of hidden channel of communication between it, it certainly wasn't doing anything to solve the problems that were taunting the possible destruction of our marriage. For it was my wife who said only a week before we went to this damn thing, "We need to go, otherwise I'll kill you in your sleep... That way you can't fight me."

The final day came with much chagrin. I took her early to McDonald's to get a breakfast that actually had meat. I'm sorry but continental breakfasts simply don't have any protein. Where's the food Nazis from the land of fruits, nuts and flakes bitching about how fat people are when it comes to this obnoxious shit for sustenance? And what was the alternative? McDonald's. Now that's enough to start a fucking war right there!

By mid-day I was using the rhythmic structure of what we were being taught to taunt her. She kept trying to correct me that "homicidal" was not a feeling, but when you want to gouge out your own eyes and ears and cut off your tongue like the people in Event Horizon (on of the scariest conceptual horror movies ever in my opinion) just to make it stop, then I guess I was expressing my true feelings...

So the day ends and after the "cone of silence" was lifted I got to see the inner-workings of this group and realized there were quite a few recognizable faces. The problem was that I couldn't place the names and faces and it was a bit awkward. Even though we pledged a bit of time and money towards the group, I had this bad feeling that as soon as we got home these great "skills" we learned weren't going to do much good.

It reminded me of going through Crown Ministries only to realize that my lack of steady income kept me from being able to use any of the methods they taught. I guess Christians depend on God to provide them steady income instead of relying on God to provide for them day by day as He has me. I also could have sworn that the good book says something about not depending on tomorrow... But oh, well.

On the way home, I felt myself becoming sick. It was terrifying. My wife, now 19 weeks pregnant, hasn't had her flu shot or her H1N1 and I feared the idea of being in a room full of strangers from all over the place possibly making one or both of us sick, mainly because my wife can't take any medications for the flu or anything now and she'd just have to ride it out. So I came home and threw myself into bed. I spent an hour in the fecal position (yes, I know, it's fetal, but I felt like shit, damnit!) shivering. I then threw a single solitary blanket over me with the intent not to share it for the sake of not infecting my wife with my illness. I don't know exactly what it was, but my muscles ached so bad. I felt like a prisoner of war getting whacked with bamboo sticks all night. When I finally got up after several stops and starts it was almost 11am this morning. I was a bit groggy, but that was it. The wife had no symptoms -- but then again our baby has my Kryptonian immune system, I'm sure -- and for the most part that disaster was averted...

...But on to the next disaster. It seemed like all day my wife was simply going back to her old habits. We slept until 11am (not totally her fault), which meant no breakfast. I ran out and got lunch, but now it's almost 5pm again and I've been busy putting out fires. We tried to give the cats anti-flea pills, which has only made them hyper to the point they are flying through the air like they've been drinking Red Bull and using us as trampolines. In effect, nothing was resolved and I don't understand the whole point of the weekend short of simply going through the motions of an obligation that we had to fulfill for the sake of a church that we are both disillusioned with. All in all, it just seems like a wasted opportunity for me to try to get renovations done on the house or some other important task. I guess all things happen in God's time and with God's will, but this was totally uncomprehensable.