I was told that no matter how I was feeling, I was to portray strenghth for my sisters sake. If she were to see how upset I was, it would not be good for her because she in turn would be upset too. The Doctors would make me leave for my sisters well being.
I finally arrived at the hospital for the first time today. and saw my sisters body hooked up on all these different machines. I turned around 5 times before I actually got up enough courage to walk into her Intensive Care Unit. I wasn't supposed to cry. I wasn't supposed to let her see me cry because it most likely would upset her. I gave it my absolute all, but I couldnt stop the large knot that suddenly appeared in my throat. I couldnt stop the tears from rolling down my face like a faucet. I had to bury my head into my grandmothers bosom. I couldnt even bear to look at her at first. I wanted to burst out screaming for them to get all those tubes and machines off of my sister. I was only inches away from her but it felt as though I was peering in on her from the outside od the glass barrier at the zoo. I couldnt reach her no matter how close I was to her. I reached my arm out for her and held her cold, swollen, and bruised little hand. Lifeless almost. Her hair was a absolute disaster area. Strands going every which way including up due to the sad attempt made by the hosptal cosmetologest (nurse, lol) to put her hair into a ponytail. I wonder why they didnt just shave it all off. It would have been so much less mass and confusion. Not to mention my poor sisters bad hair day. Then I noticed that she was trying to communicate with me. I immediately zoomed into her mouth and eyes so not to miss anything. As clear as day she let me know that she loved me. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and the want to let her know that I felt the same... but I couldn't. I started hyperventalating and couldnt breathe again. I did notice the look in her eyes that told me that she knows how much I love her from the bottom of my heart. I also hope she knows that right now, this very insant, I would switch places with her. I would gladly take her pain away even if it meant I had to have it. I wish more than anything there was more, well atually anything I could do to help my sister. But I know theres no fairy godmother to grant my wish of me taking my sisters place in that bed. I know fairy tales are made up but the reality of it all just made me disgusted. I sat next to her for a while. I held her hand and started talking to her. She couldnt give me much response, but I didnt really even need it. I want to know how long they are going to keep preserving her with these artificial life making machines. Would it just keep her head just above the water just enough to breathe or will the result ever end in getting out of the pool? Or is drowning the inevitable fate that lies ahead for my sister? I cant stop thinking of how she looked in her "cage". This is all just killing me so bad right now. I'm not handling it too well, and I'm not the one who is in the hopsital. Where are my directions cuz I'm definately lost.