So it has been quite awhile since I blogged, I have been floating along trying to figure things out, and nothing to exciting was happening. However, lately things were building up and the need to write and get it out has come over me.
Last night was perhaps a turning point of sorts for me. It just all finally hit me and I was having what might be a panic attack. It was hard to breathe and my mind was racing sort of thing. I like to call it when I flip out or have a melt down, but a therapist today said it sounded like a panic attack. Anyway, I have been stressed out lately and getting more and more fed up with having no friends here. The last straw was this date I had on Friday.
It just all seemed to start before school started. I was back home and it didn't feel comfortable. My friends there invited me out to eat a lot and my mom kept giving me crap about eating out so much, so everytime I was invited I said ok, just to make her mad and not be around her. I left my hometown feeling like I hadn't done anything I wanted to do, just what my friends did or my mom did. Then we got here, my mom came with me, to my apartment to start looking for another apartment, just a few days before school would start. I had no time to relax and feel ready for school, it was all about finding a new place.
We found a place that seems pretty nice and a good deal, so we left it at that and I started focusing on school. I had been distracted by apartment looking instead of starting to make friends and school has been really lonely. It is getting closer to when I have to move out and I had to pick for sure a new place. It has been bothering me all this past week, a roommate place, or a 1 bedroom semi expensive place just for me, it all stirred up feelings of am I being selfish, can I handle a roommate. These are all for a year, a year! It was really stressing me out that I need to plan already for a year. Then this guy and I started chatting online and it has been a really long time since someone made me feel like he did. So that is when we met up this last Friday.
It didn't go so well. He seemed so enthusiastic about me, and would tell me he likes me everyday when we chatted. I tried oh I tried not get to attached, but I always do. He gave me a hug when I got there and said "Hey you do look better in person. Oh wait that's an awful thing to say." I tried to laugh it off, but I dunno it was strange. He was just getting his second beer and I was nervious as hell and was a good 15 minutes late, because I couldn't find anything to wear, it all seemed unflattering and I lost my confidence. I tried to seem engageing and forget all the bad feelings I had just before getting there, but I couldn't shake it and it seemed within 20 minutes or so he wasn't looking at me the same. I'm not even sure how it happened, I tried to talk, but nothing interesting came out, I was probably just to mellow. We stayed awhile, maybe he was trying to give me a chance, I don't know. After his 2 beers he had at least 2 more drinks through the whole time and I had 3, though the last one wasn't strong at all. We went for a walk afterwards, but it just seemed nothing was going to happen between us. I got a short hug after.
I can see now that I went into it already set that it wasn't going to work, so no wonder, why did I have to be so negative from the start? Oh how I'd love one more chance, he seemed really nice and I miss my friend that I had. Anyway, I was pretty bummed and still sort of am about it. Like I said this was the last straw. All weekend I couldn't figure out why all my dates turn out this way. Then last night it finally just all hit me. I'm boring. I turned to my sort of "friend" and he is brutally honest, and he said I was. Another friend before that said I reminded him of his 12 year old cousin, ouch. It is really tough to know this about myself. It makes me not like myself, and that was already an issue. So I flipped out, had a melt down, or panic attack, whatever. I was set on just coming back to my hometown, screw school, screw it all.
Luckily today I had an appointment to see if I can get a therapist at school. It doesn't sound like I can, but the therapist who I spoke to today seems to want to help me and check on my mood, which is nice to know that someone is concerned. He told me his suggestion on where to live for school, and it makes me feel less guilty about it. I am also thinking that maybe I will drop some classes and get a job, then I am forced to talk to people. He also suggested Toastmasters, which I am thinking more and more is a good idea. I am also suppose to volunteer at a vet hospital and at a shelter. He is also going to help me find a long term therapist. All this is my plan to change myself, nono wait like a really nice person told me last night, not change myself, but present myself differently, that's much better. All these things will help, should help, no they will help, they've got to, I can't be like this anymore. It's going to be scary, it really is, but at least I'm not quitting.
