'to love is to burn, to be on fire' - Jane Austen, 'Sense & Sensibility'.
The thought brought a smile to my lips as i typed it. i know Master isn't a fan of Austen's work, but He'll understand why it was used.
it's my aim to make the rest of you understand it, too.
starting out in BDSM, i thought of it like a new game to play. there were rules to learn sure, but undoubtedly in the end a kind of mastery would ensue- i'd learn all there was to know, i'd be able to please, to take whatever was thrown at me as a submissive. i'd be polite, obedient, i'd make everybody understand that i was doing my best. i'd be proud as i served whoever was in charge at the time.
then i'd take the collar off and find myself a boyfriend. i'd be normal, want the same things everybody else wants, and do whatever it took to get them. i smiled with reservations at the people in the 'Lifestyle' 24/7- knowing that that would never be me. Knowing that i needed a love- a real, proper and socially accepted love- to be content and happy. i looked at both groups of people and felt they were missing something.
the 24/7 Masters and slaves i researched were comical- wearing leashes, chains and leather, talking in odd ways. surely people don't do this for real?- i thought.
the 'normal' lovers and relationships bored me- there's just something that isn't there, i thought still. They're missing out. Not quite reaching something.
it seemed like nothing was for me. my early 'kink' relationship hurt too much, and the normal relationships didn't quite seem to hurt enough.
then something odd happened. i slowly broke into the BDSM scene.
i was quite terrified and watched with a kind of intense morbid fascination. i built up friendships online with people i have since recognised as changing my life forever. i took on the tutor of a strict online Dominant, who taught me the 'rules' of being a submissive online. it's strange now, how little i use them, but how necessary they were for me in the beginning. i had to have something to rely on, to protect myself. to show them i was for real.
of course, though, they didn't care if i was for real or not. i was new, unknown. for the most part i stayed silent as i watched on the conversations scrolling across my screen, wondering who was who, what terms meant. i had a seperate window open constantly with google ready to answer any query. i don't know how many times i hit search only to be a little bit more frightened of these people.
but One saw something more in me. He made His presence known- everybody knew Him, respected Him. He was quiet, intelligent, witty. i found myself smiling at His picture on the screen. we stayed up night after night until early morning. i was fascinated. He did not command my respect- at first He even discouraged it- but i found myself bowing anyway. i found myself craving the shape of the words on my screen. i wanted to see 'good girl' more and more. it was an addiction. i woke every morning to think of Him. i completed tasks. the rest of the day was spent redoing tasks over and over again until i was sure i'd gotten them right.
We met. i know He saw me light up as His hand took mine, felt the nerves begin to shift just a little. i did not know what would happen. the thought of something going wrong was fresh in my mind, but He was so much like Himself online that i felt at ease the more i was with Him.
As time wore on, my journey into D/s really began. i underwent formal training. i learned how to please Him (now my Sir, as i accepted a training collar). i learned about all the little things that He enjoys me doing, all of the submissions i could give to make Him smile or shudder.
One night, we lay under the stars in our park. He told me He was falling in love with me. i bit my lip. i'd been wanting to say the same thing for weeks, but i wasn't sure if it was allowed. did this happen? was this a part of the agreement?
the more i tumbled over and over, harder in love with Him, the deeper my submission to Him grew. One night, almost 5 months ago, i looked at Him with tears in my eyes and told Him i accepted His full collar. i consented to being His completely and without reservation. unconditionally.
A fundamental change in me had occurred. submission was not a toy anymore. it was not something i could turn on and off. it was deep, it was all of me. it was Him. i felt Him in every inch of my being, He was in my every thought, every movement. i was on fire, in love.
i knew nothing! there was so much to learn, always something else. something higher to reach for, some new goal to chase. as a lover, as a submissive. always, more.
love is not something that can go away. it can be pushed, prodded, folded up to seem less than it is. but it cannot be banished. i know, i've tried to banish it. i've tried to push it away and pretend it wasn't there. likewise, my submission cannot be thrown away. it refuses to leave, it refuses to let go.
love hurts more than anything else. it is the hardest thing we have to do. anybody who says it's easy hasn't truly found it. submission isn't easy. it hurts, it is frightening sometimes. sometimes it's not knowing if you're ever going to be picked up again but jumping into blackness anyway.
The thing i was missing before? i found it. 24/7 'Lifestyle' doesn't scare me anymore. The people? Some of my greatest friends. They're not missing out on anything.
i'm not either, anymore. the kink side of our relationship is powerful, intense, amazing. it frequently takes me to places i never thought i could bear to go. the 'normal' side- it's a connection like no other. it doesn't fade or break even when it hurts so much i wish it would.
i simply could not be any other way. nor can He.
we'll continue to hurt, to burn, to fight, to step on the knife's edge together, to pick each other up, to give our all.
and that's love.
