I'm having troubles these days with setting up my 'boundaries' or 'barriers' whatever you want to call them. I've been putting up sort of a happy mask. I mean, there is a small part of me that happiness does seem to exist. And I guess I've been squeezing the happiness out of it, like it's an empty toothpaste tube or something. Upping it to more than what it is. It can be made into rather genuine happiness though. I just want to be kind of silly, and carefree these days. I don't want to sit in the gutters type deal.
I was talking to my Best Friend today, and I think he's sort of offended and annoyed that the mask is showing up around him. It's not a concious decision, it's sort of my defence mechanism. I always put a happy face on for my friends unless I'm having a melt down, and now he is in the Friend category. As I said earlier I'm trying to set up the boundaries. I can't keep myself 100% the same with my Best Friend, I have to distance myself a little. I think until I get some things sorted out in my mind I can put the mask away. At least for him, and anybody else who I feel is close enough.
There has been a huge change in my life, that I didn't want in the least. I've got to pack away some things in my mind, re-arrange others. I hope soon things get a little more tidy in my mind.
One final thought on a different topic --- When I'm around him, I am distracted and don't think of my Best Friend. The second I'm not near him, my automatic thoughts are about my Best Friend. I can't deny that I'm still crazy for my Best Friend. In all honesty, I want to just have all of the guys in my life at the moment resemble my brother or something. I really don't want any relationship stuff, or liking stuff. *sigh*
