I just can't get out of this spiral. It's so frustrating. Each day seems like another ordeal to get through, just waiting for those days that something out of the ordinary is planned. I can't stand it.
I don't know what I want, I never have. People ask me and then get annoyed when I can't answer. I'm too childish, too whimsical, too wrapped up in daydreaming of fantasies that can't happen. "Grow up," they say. Even after all this time. It seems people have to adjust to the fact that life is how it is. Cruel, twisted, mostly filled with never-ending days that you want to end as soon as possible, just so the next one can begin. But of course it's the same with the next day. And the day after that.
My job is a good job. Hard and tiring, but good, especially considering the reality of today. But I still feel trapped and upset with everything. I can't escape and I'm suffocating. I either can't sleep, or I sleep too much, I alternate so much that my body is all confused. I don't care about things anymore. I just want people to leave me alone and not deal with them sometimes. I want to live in my fantasies. I can't deal with real life, even though I should be happy with how things are for me. There's something wrong with me, I know, but I don't care.
I know I'm a depressed individual. I'm just so tired all the time. I hate it. I hate this life and this world. Everything is just wrong. I just drive sometimes, not knowing what else to do...or I just sit on my couch and stare, hoping something will happen. It never does. I never wake up as someone else. I just want it all to end.
I just don't know what to do...It's driving me crazy. I can't do anything. I'm stuck. I'm frustrated. I want to scream. I can't talk to anyone since no one would understand and instead just tell me the same thing, to deal with it. I HAVE BEEN! My whole life I've been "dealing" with everything. That's why I'm where I am now. Seemingly fine and on my own. But I'm not fine. I'm far from it. I'm going to break soon. I don't know when or how, but I will. Something isn't right. I can't do it anymore.
I just need help that isn't here. There's no one who can help me. I wouldn't even know who to ask or what to say. I can't articulate what's wrong. I'm so messed up and broken. I'm worthless and life has been wasted on me. Everyone's support and help has been wasted on me. I just don't know what to do. My mind is crumbling under the weight of everything.
I'm sorry for all of this. All I can do is complain and whine.
