• scipio said on Sep 02, 2009....

  You are practising and enjoying doing the  the world's oldest profession. As long as you don't hurt anyone and continue to give pleasure to those who gladly pay for your services  - I supppose it's OK. Discretion will be a valuable asset.
  Can't comment on the love part as you are sharing it with a lot of men and spreading it very thin.

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 02, 2009....

  Speaking Up,
  I read about your past as a writer on Hegemone's blog.  I think you should take this experience and turn it into a positive.  Write a book about how you got where you are.  I'll bet there are more people out there who would identify with your situation than you might realize.
  
  I believe that when you are ready to let it in, love will find you.
  
  (I'm not a man, but I answered anyway.  lol)
  
  CW
  

• speaking_up said on Sep 02, 2009....

  scipio, thanks for your response...I was meaing 'after' I finished this business (I plan on stoppin right after my bankrupsy ends next may).  What would you say then?
   
  CW, funny you should say that...as I was writing in Hege's blog the exact same idea came to me.  If I can be focused writing what I KNOW ABOUT for God's sake and have the satisfaction and therapeutic practise of putting my crap down on paper...well, I do believe there is a book waiting to be written with an ending of where I am right now!
   
  LOVE IT!
   

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 02, 2009....

  Go for it!  :-)
  
  CW
  

• Lucytorial said on Sep 02, 2009....

  There is a fabulous book written by an Australian woman who, worked in prostitution, it was an amazing read, very very interesting.  As the saying goes, it is the oldest profession in the world.  I don't think judging you for that will stop someone loving you.
   
  A good person doesn't mean having a socially acceptable profession, a good person and a person who is lovable is just simply that.
   
  Write !!! it would be amazing reading.

• wombat said on Sep 02, 2009....

  Can't top what Lucy said.  Everybody is worth loving, and love comes at the oddest times.  It's not a question of if, it's more like when! 

• speaking_up said on Sep 02, 2009....

  Lucy; I'll have to google to find that book you speak of.  Sex Trade Working is so new to me and so out of my usual conservative box, it would have to be only the last chapter (for now).  I like what CW said in keeping focused...the eye on the ball...how I came to be a sex trade worker at 50 years of age, after a 20 year marriage, successful career, etc etc.  Then, after the death of my son all of this garbage of my life and childhood has brought about some very bad memories.  The old details that have put me in this position of trading sex for money  has been flashing at me like a pellet gun.  It is overwhelming.
   
  And so, I always wondered how i would get that down on paper when my story is so crazy and mixed up.  Now that I have the ending (for the book, not for me!) I have something to build my story toward.  The point of my book was something that I was struggling with.
   
  So, if I keep my focus on this experience, as I write my story, I have an excellent start and reason for writing what I will write about: child abuse, incest, maternal and paternal deficiencies, suicide, mental health and the mental health system....etc.  I could get it all in and still come out with my focus topic...how a 50 year old becomes a prostitute. (Gad i still hate that word...it just doesn't seem to fit).
   
  Lucy pardon me if I am off track and messed up in my reply...I am stuffed with the doctors meds (I finally agreed to take the pills after my last life disaster  and I feel utterly stoned all of my awake time...which isn't much).
   
  I didn't say how long I'd take these mind altering pills, but it is good while I am doing this job, which will end in May when my bankrupsy ends. 
   
  The pills help.
   
  I'm rambling...I love you guys...so non judgemental...*tears*
   
  I'll look up that book.

• speaking_up said on Sep 02, 2009....

  Wombat...love does come at the oddest times.  I don't expect it while I am in this job...but who knows, maybe we'll have a Pretty Woman ending!!!! (I'm kidding, of course...life just isn't packaged like that).
   
  I'm loveable...while I was in the pool today floating on an air matress a bad flash came to me...I saw myself...I was in grade 2 and the teacher had us all stand up and sing a song.  It was a new song called Sing, by the Carpenters.  Well!  As we were singing "sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last the whole night long...don't worry if it's not good enough, for anyone else to hear just sing, sing a song..."   During the singing I suddenly broke down in huge sob cries...the teacher sent me out of the room so I could contain myself.  She never did ask what was wrong.
   
  I believe that was the start of my major depressive disordeer (which I finally agreed I have - without the mania)
   
  Whoops, losing topic again...anyway, while I was floating around today that flashback hit me like a slap on the head and I imagined Big Speaking Up lovingly holding the 7 or 8 year old...showing her how wonderful she really was.  I made up a fake adult (me) to care for this child who no longer exists, but she left a scar that needed some TLC.  OMG!  Did it ever feel good to care for this child in my mind.  I think I will continue to do these visual exercises to help me let go of all that needs to be gone!
   
  So, love may be starting with me.
   
  Gad, rambled again...((((HUGS))))

• one_wired_kitty said on Sep 02, 2009....

  If you write a book on how you got where you are - can I have a copy? Please??? **sad puppy-dog eyes**
   
  (sorry - spazzed - I know it sez for men only)

• scipio said on Sep 03, 2009....

  http://www.hoshookerscallgirlsrentboys.com/

• Lucytorial said on Sep 03, 2009....

  Speaking ~ Have you spoken to your doctor about St Johns Wort? its a natural anti depressant? it works well with mild depression and people who are sensative to those kinds of drugs... that and a good boost of B groups could be the ticket of not having to take them.
   
  I started St Johns this week, no side effects whatso ever.  Its a thought?

• speaking_up said on Sep 03, 2009....

  Lucy; where I live the doctors HATE the natural health industry and make fun even...no respect.  I am on a medication that sometimes makes me 'stoned' and while I wish I wasn't on it...it does calm me which is something I need from time to time.  And, we get ST.Johns Wort without a prescription and I remember being on it a few years ago.  I don't remember it having much affect on me.
   
  Gad, I just wish eating well, exercising, natural medication, etc. would make me feel good about myself, focused enough to write the book, and energetic enough to leave my condo from time to time...nothing seems to be working.
   
  I have PTSD and it is a whooper.  flashes of horrible memories fill my head and i don't know what to do with them.  I'm trying the 'visualization' method and since it worked so well yesterday, I'll try to keep that  up.  I know the answers to a better frame of mind are within me...i have the answers, but I am stopping myself for reasons I don't know. 
   
  This writing helps me as well....as do you and the 'gang'...
   
  SU

• wombat said on Sep 03, 2009....

  We could co-write that book....  I choked up on the incident you described.  I dream of "children" that I am protecting and caring for all the time, almost nightly.  Yes, that inner child needs the love and care.  I'm learning as I go along, but it sure has been a long journey.

  I think there's something special about the ones who need this much work to keep growing and surviving--it's a mission toward a reward.

  You hang in there, never stop believing, and love will rescue you from the past and catapault you into your future.

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs and good to meet you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  wombie

   

   

• speaking_up said on Sep 05, 2009....

  Wombat...((((((((hugsback!!!)))))))

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