At this point today, I'm now having a hard time.  I think I need a little strength boost or something.  I'm fighting myself on having some really mean, angry thoughts at my family in law right now.  I'm not being successful.  Envisioning each of their demises seems to be pretty entertaining and appealing right now.  This is OK for now, but I need to be calm and clear headed by the time my husband gets home.  I'm going to take a bath, but I want to get this post out first.  I think I really just need to work some of this stuff out of my system.

Supposedly last night my dad got called over to the farm because my FIL wanted to b.s. with him and my BIL was there also.  Nothing serious got talked about when my FIL was still out, but when he went in to bed my BIL started in with my dad.  He basically was trying to talk to my dad to figure out how to get my FIL to sign the farm over to himself and my husband.  Now, what the fuck?  I'm not allowed to be involved in any important shit but my dad is?  What is this crap?  I'm married into the family for fuck sake.  This shit is not OK and it's not fair and when I've properly gathered my thoughts and figured out how to go about it I have to talk to my dad and my BIL about this.

My dad is already being his stubborn self and long ago said that he's not going to change any of his own behaviors when dealing with my family in law because he's 'known them longer'.  So he's not worried about making my life harder by being drunk and letting things slip that he shouldn't, or the fact that they'll talk to him but exclude me.  Now, I want to know where my BIL thinks he's so much better, or smarter, than me such that I should be excluded from things.  Does he realize I might actually be an asset, I understand paperwork well, I can keep track of a schedule quite well, and I might just have some other good ideas to at least suggest.  I could make his life a little easier if he would just work with me.

Bottom line though, I can not accept that he'll be willing to talk to my dad about stuff but not me.  My dad did mention to him that he had said things that upset me and needed to talk to me about them.  I wish he hadn't said anything, I did not want that brought on me because now if he does want to talk, he'll want to pull me off by myself and I'll have to tell him that can't happen and that he'll just have to wait until my husband is there.  That in itself will be stressful, and it's not that it shouldn't happen, just that it's not something I wanted to deal with right now.

At least one good thing my dad did say something to my BIL to the effect that he thought it was b.s. that my husband and I were constantly interrupted to go run over to the farm for stupid things that we really weren't needed for.  I don't know if that will make any impact or not, especially considering my BIL was drinking, so he may not remember any of the conversation.  This was a lot in reference to the past week.  Last weekend we got hung up at the farm all day waiting on The Thing because he told my FIL he'd 'be there in a few minutes' ... instead of telling him that he and his family were out someplace and wouldn't be back home until late in the day.  Then there was the night we got called over when it was close to bed time so we could basically stand around and watch The Thing hook the trailer up and leave.  Then there was last night, where my husband got called over in a pissy way RIGHT BEFORE we were sitting down to eat, so he could get a couple of cables for The Thing that he was perfectly capable and able to get himself. 

I intend to tell my husband about all of this, which is why I said I need to be calm and collected by the time he gets home.  There are more details, but I'm just not willing to go into them here.  I don't feel like it, and they're not entirely important.  I've given the bulk of the issue.

Right now I'm frustrated at The Thing even more because he's out in the pasture with his truck going around weed eating around the fence.  The weed eating is not the problem, the truck being in the pasture is.  Never in the past has anybody needed to take a vehicle INTO the pasture for weed eating, he's just being lazy and doing it just because he can to look more important.   Further, The Thing is reckless and I worry that my horse might get too close to him with either the truck or the weed eater.  So yes, I'm keeping a keen eye on that scenario right now.  If anything happens I'm pretty sure I'll rip his head right off his shoulders.

What's also got my mind whirring over this is that suddenly The Thing keeps coming over and randomly doing things that need done.  I'm not saying this is bad, but I wonder about the tactical reasoning behind this.  Nobody in that family functions without some motive for themselves.  My FIL more and more keeps openly expressing how he does not trust or really care for The Thing, but has to put up with him because now he's married in.  My MIL does not like him at all, especially in his behavior with his children.  My BIL and my husband don't like him at all either.  It's obvious that I don't.  If I could go out and do the things he's doing around that place, I would.

I think that's part of what makes things hard also.  There are a lot of things that just out of spite, or to prevent him from doing anything, I would go out and do myself, but I can't.  I think I might later today though.  If nothing has been chopped down near the gate to the pasture or in the pen, I might just find some gloves and go start ripping things out.  It'll take a long time and it'll be hard work, but dammit, I'm tired of asking and there is no weed eater to be used because my FIL won't let my husband work on theirs and there isn't another one to be used.  I'm tired of henpecking at my husband to find another way to do it, so I'm just going to go out and do it myself.

Things are all together changing for me, mentally and physically.  I'm just now coming to terms with 'Oh shit, I'm slowly losing my job because the hours are decreasing and I have to get a new job!'.  I've put in an app this morning and did one yesterday also.  I had to stop today because I was getting too frustrated with my slow internet.  Two that I wanted to put in first were taking so long to load in between each page I had to just close out of them because it was freezing things up.  So I'll hack back in later on.  As long as I do at least ONE each day, I'll be happy.  Now after a couple of days I'll bump that up to two, but as long as I'm doing SOMETHING.  I'm also formulating a list of places I want to apply at that I haven't already, so it's not as if I'm not doing anything.  Further I'm hitting up the newspaper too.

So now not only will I be looking for a job, and searching for opportunities for my husband, I'm completely taking over the animals.  I can handle my own, that's not the issue, but the animals that aren't mine that STILL aren't getting taken care of properly bugs me.  So I'm taking them over because they don't deserve to suffer.  This isn't one of those 'Sometimes you just have to let it go.'  Those poor animals can't just let it go.  Then add on top of it I'm going to start doing other small things I can, whatever way I can.  I'm just going to have to be completely 100% independent and self sufficient and if people don't like it, too bad, I'm tired of asking and I'm tired of sitting on the side lines.

Gah, OK, bath time now before I get too wound up.