After gradual improvements in physical recovery, and some in anxiety control, we had our 31 yo trans-gender offspring move back into the house. She has always been a difficult  one to live with. Anger control, a sense of self entitlement, unable to recognise other's signals...
After her temper tantrums I was having anxiety attacks almost as bad as the worst (in early days of THR recovery). DH and I tried a relationships services  counsellor - what a waste of time and space - had No Idea of what to advise. I finally went to a mental health place and begged fro help.  I had an interview to set whether I'/d be covered. I am. I've had two sessions now, and wow has it been a release.
Therapist I had  for my accident recovery was into CBT, and mindful meditation. Helpful for anxiety control. Not helpful for figuring out what problems can be addressed, which battle to pick etc.
The counsellor I have seen these last two weeks has been so positive. After listening - hearing, LISTENING to my saga of events, she (first time anyone has ever) actually reassured me that I Have had a fecking rough time. I Have put up with a lot of shut. I Have been subject to other people's control. Yes I've allowed it to happen - fearing the outcome of confrontation, so kept the peace, you know?
She is going to help  me figure out whether/when to make the commitment to start a separate life. Which is a scarey prospect as I am still not as fully recovered from accident aftermath as much as I'd like to be. And may never be but I have to learn to accept that.
But here's the shut...
I came away from our session with a bit of a more positive relaxed outlook. DH started probing "what did she talk about?" I told him she;d only listened to me venting about all the shut. But he has been trying to make it look like he's making an effort.
Then there's a logistic exercise possibly looming up.
He's being head-hunted for a position in a different city - neither one of  us has ever been there longer than an overnight stop. At the place he'd be working there'd  possibly be part-time positions for me. So he's thinking that he and I could remove there a and just back away from the issues with offspring. As if they are the cause of our misery?
Counsellor and I can see how a separation could be eased in by having DH relocate to the new city and me stay around here to "tidy up" the house sale etc.
But I am thinking that getting rid of the house and all its clutter and redundant shut would be too much for me to handle. No matter what I'd decide to  o with the stuff,  it would turn out to be the wrong thing to do, yeh? So I don't really want to be left to sort it all out.
Other hand, I could do the leaving - but I figure his pride would be injured so much he'd lose interest in seeking the new post, would do nothing about the clutter etc or the house, and we'd lose money on the sale of it. Or it would still be all here when he dies and our kids would lose money on disposing of all the shut. (DH has almost admitted it will take two  skips to get rid of all the stuff.
And the stuff itself? It's really all only reminders of failures and broken or empty promises. Nothing of value or pride or pleasure at all.

So I'll want to be asking the counsellor to help me come up with a safe approach to raise the topics for discussion / conversation / negotiation - all without having him become defensive / angry / vindictive.

She asked am I in any danger from him.
Answer is NO.
Guilt trips, sullen silence and withdrawal, maybe

(Remembering one time he was shutty and was literally walking around in circles to avoid being in the same room as myself. Made me feel like crap - till I realised how ridiculous and childish he looked.)

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Background for new readers.
I'm  58; he's 63; been married 37 years; 3 offspring: TG 31, DS 27, DD 22.