It is the same thing every day.  A never ending repetitive circle...one I despise.  It's like I am in Dante's inferno and this is my own particular circle of hell that I must suffer for my sins.  Instead of pushing a bolder up a hill, I push around bullshit with some slapped on my back for extra weight.  It is a pit of bullshit that I have created, I admit, but it's stil heavy and smells like shit none the less.  Today begins the same as every other day around here, with my alarm going off.  First the one at 6:36am and next the one at 7:26am.  The first one is a lie I tell myself every day.  I lie to myself every single night by saying I can get up at 6:30 take a shower get more done before I leave for work and get to work early to.  Then when the alarm goes off and I see it is only the first alarm, I know the day is not real yet and I can wait for the seven oclock round of music to blast in my ear.    Each night part of my prayers to a God I am not sure is even there includes hoping that I just die in my sleep that night.  I am not suicidal...at least not today...it would just be better if I died of natural causes.  It's like being suicidal, but too lazy to actually construct and carry out the plan.  Sometimes I hopeful that some beneviolent God is listening somewhere, other times I feel as though I am talking to an imaginery friend standing by me....perhaps a giant rabbit.  I hope someone gets that joke.  What a pathetic reference if not.  So the 7 oclock round goes off and I must realize that much to my dismay I am still alive.  I climb out of my bed and into the shower.   I spend my time in the shower imagining a better life for myself so that I don't give up hope and lay down in the pool of water backing up in the drain and try to end it all.  What a humiliating end that would be.  Lying face down in 2 inches of water filled with your own filth.  Plus I would be found naked and lets face facts, I do not want that.  I do not want to be some paramedics horror story that he repeats of having to get a bloated pale fat white girl out of a tub her own filth.  Yeah, I won't know the difference but I guess I still have some vanity left in me. 

I'm sitting here typing this all out in a towel after my shower.  I am using it as a tool of procrastination.  If I am here doing this work seems a little farther away.  I know it's not, but it's another lie I tell myself and I have a deal with myself to temporarily believe it. I drive over 45 minutes to work each day, for a job I hate and that is useless to the general population.  I help people sell useless shit for a living.  Garbage with some companies name emblazened on it to force people to do their advertising for them.  Ah well we all know how people love their free shit.  You'll take it and use it even though you may hate the company.  Yeah we all say we hate Walmart  as a company and we "won't" shop there.  Another lie we tell ourselves because we all still go there anyway.  You say you hate the place but have a sam's club membership...funny me too. Surely though, they give you a free umbrella with their name boldly on one panel and you keep in your car for a rainy day.  You become a wet, sad, portable billboard.  You're purpose while you carry that umbrellas, wear that hat, that t-shirt, carry that reusable shopping bag is to help to herd the sheep in their direction.  Congratulations, you finally have a higher purpose than your own life, it's just not what you were hoping for.  Well, I am in charge of helping that product make it safely to your hands.   Yes, that's right, I am useless.  Fuck and don't I know it.