When I wrote my last post, I thought I had hit rock bottom. Little did I know that I’d sink further than I thought imaginable. It poured on me, and I barely held on to that last straw.

Luckily for me, this time I decided I was not going down without a fight. And I think that is what saved me. I immersed myself in spiritual books, not the sort that preached doom and damnation, I was doing fine on that end all by myself without needing further help, but the kind that celebrates man, any man, as the image of God. We’ve all felt at one point that we can literary fly, like we can do just about anything we set our hearts on. For the moments that we hanged on to that feeling, we did conquer the world. But there are other times that the chaos and disorders of day to day living overwhelm us, and we lose that feeling, and our end goal in the process, then depression starts to set it, we do things half ass, and that is if we do them at all. Then at the end of the day, we start affirming that we are failures and had no right to dream those dreams in the first place. But that’s just it, we all have the right to dream and to live those dreams. More importantly, we have what it takes to live the good life, an examined life, a full life. It’s within us, but because we are looking in all the wrong places, we die a little each day.

I wish I can say with the realization that I can dare to dream, that I can soar to heights that I have never been, and beyond, that everything fell into place for me. That I found my dream husband and we are on our way to start a family. That I have plenty of friends from all walks of life and never have to spend Friday nights at home alone. That I paid of all my debt, and I mean all, and became a millionaire through owning many business ventures. That I have no ounce of fat on my body and I am finally my ideal weight.

Nothing physically has changed for me since I became “enlightened.” I am still single and battle with bouts of loneliness now and then. I think I’ve lost more friends than I have made this year. I have gone out some but I haven’t found my niche in the social world yet. My debt now is in the six figures zone, I have all my zeros financially on the wrong end. Some of it is good debt, a mortgage, student loans and I’m trying to rationalize the car being a good debt. I traded in the clunker my brother wrecked and got a slightly used car at a slightly hefty price. I’m still working at the same place…hell hole would be a better word. My weight is till stagnant, if anything I think I keep gaining.

Amid all the sameness though, I have been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve come to realize being single doesn’t mean that I stop living you know. In fact, I can use this opportunity to advance myself in my career and in education. I’ve had talks with my company’s president and he has agreed for me to do some travelling and transition into sales eventually. He also said he is reviewing salaries so I am praying for a raise. I’m in school for my masters and hope to sit for the CPA once I graduate next year. As for the weight thing, most of it is in my head. I’ve seen on days that I am happy and content, people could be staring at my big tummy and I wouldn’t give a damn. The debt issue is still a thorn. I do know once I get my MBA and CPA I should be able to move on up and make six figures eventually. In the meantime I’ve put a lid on spending.

All in all, my mind and my heart are in the right place, finally. I only have this one life to live and it is up to me whether I’ll live it or not. And I say, I DO, to my life. It is the only place I can start, really. I’m still figuring out living as I go, but live I will.