Washington Cremation As I learned firsthand when I was widowed, little else can dislodge you from the world you know like the loss of your spouse. Whether death was sudden or came after a long illness, those of us who lose a spouse to death move quickly in the minds of others from the category of “married” to “widowed.” But a change of label doesn’t begin to compare to the challenge of restructuring your life following such an enormous change. I hope that some of the words that can serve as a helpful “letter” from an understanding supporter. Working Your Way Through It is important to remember in working with your grief that no one’s story of loss and grief is the same as the next person’s. There will be some similarities, but each relationship with a spouse is different, and each person’s history with loss is unique to them. In a sense, you are blazing new trail for yourself. Being a widow is not something we choose. It is something, however, that can be a defining moment for who we will become. The people around you will react in different ways. Many friends and acquaintances will call. Some you may find helpful, others difficult to listen to. Some may have useful suggestions for how you should take care of yourself and deal with your grief. Some are at a loss, knowing there is little they can say or do to remove the pain, shock, anger and sadness you may be experiencing. Others may want to call and be with you, but are too uncomfortable to do so. Some of your friends may even be afraid deep down that if you have lost your spouse perhaps they too could be in your shoes all too soon. This is a time of patience with yourself and others. That may be a difficult assignment for you at a time when you have little energy or patience to spare from your grieving. Here are some things to consider during this period of change and transition that may help. You Will Need to Renegotiate Everything This idea came to me when I realized that whatever my life was before, whatever my routines were, who my friends were, whatever I thought was “fun”-it all would need to be examined and experienced in a new way-as a person on my own. Even though I was doing the same things as before, such as grocery shopping, everything was different: I was now only shopping for one. In fact, when I tried to go to the store where my husband and I had shopped together, I found that it was too difficult. I had to change to a different supermarket in order to better care for myself. Remember that some friends, particularly couples, may feel awkward being with you alone, without your spouse at your side. You will eventually decide, as will these couples, if your relationship can sustain the loss of your spouse. The more you can remember that everything is different and that you will need to reshape your relationships, the easier it will be emotionally, physically and spiritually to move forward. You will feel vulnerable in this process of change. That is an important reality to accept. You are vulnerable and if you can own this feeling and care of yourself accordingly, you will be taking a big step in the right direction. Realize Grief Has a Was Recurring Grief will come and go. It will deplete and at times exhaust your sources of energy, so make allowances for that. Lower some expectations on what you can accomplish in a day. Pay attention to how grief presents itself. If you feel like crying, for example, give yourself the time and space to cry. Your tears are a valuable reflection of the importance of a relationship that has been forever changed. If you can accept the grief as it presents itself, it is less likely to affect you in a negative way. “One step at a time, one day at a time, it all became better by accepting, receiving and moving forward.” People find different sources of support that work for them. For some, that will mean going to a grief support group, ideally one specifically for people who have lost their spouses. For others, it will mean spending more time with their family, or time alone to journal what is running through their minds. You may find that being with particular people or couples is soothing. Perhaps a mix of all of the above is what will work best for you. Allow yourself to be as you are in the moment, and spend time with those who allow you to do so without question or judgment. Some people may be uncomfortable with who you need to be to grieve. Be aware of your personal needs and resources each day and thoughtfully choose whom to spend time with each day. Be Open to Support Being a nurse, I am usually the one in the role of assisting others. When my husband died, I learned over time the value of being supported. One of the biggest stressors for me following the death of my husband was t hat I could not pray. What a time to have difficulty with prayer! It did not take me long to figure out t hat if I went to church each morning, I was in the midst of those who were praying-therefore, so was I. I would sit in the back of church and cry. Most everyone there understood. Some would cry with me, and others would stop by and offer a hug. Some would offer to go with me for a bite to eat or a cup of coffee. My closest friends from grade school, without my realizing it, took turns every week calling me to see how I was doing. They connected with each other to compare notes and see what they thought would be best for me, and then would come back to me with invitations to lunch, visits or reminiscing. My friends from college would also regularly check in and sometimes suggest a visit to a spa or lunch as a means of connecting. Most of the time, I was able to receive this support with a sense of gratitude. It offered me ways to connect with others that I may not have needed or desired in the past. Now these connections were most important to feeling a part of a larger network of people who cared. Encourage Yourself to Move From a Place of Grieving Soon after losing my husband, there were times when I was immobilized by grief. With little energy to spare and a dulled sense of self awareness, as well as what appeared to be decreased options, all I could manage sometimes was just to sit or slowly make my way around the house aimlessly. At those times, it took an effort to make the simplest plan and carry it out. Each time I was successful with the most basic of plans, however, it encouraged me to continue and address some other area of need in my daily life. I learned I had to give myself time to make the simplest of decisions. Grief would often express itself, but slowly and surely I allowed myself to feel the grief and deal with it, yet continue to move forward and not be immobilized. One step at a time, one day at a time, it all became better by accepting , receiving and moving through it. Take Heart If I can leave you with one final thought in my “letter,” dear reader, it is this: Gratitude is a very important feeling to work into your daily life. Be grateful for all you have received and experienced in your life. Also be grateful for all the possibilities the future holds for you. (if you have difficulty in identifying those possibilities, perhaps that’s where you can all on trusted others to assist you in the process.) Thank God every day for the time you had with your spouse and the wonderful memories you will always have. Focus each day on the smallest thanksgiving. Each day will then become an opportunity for a new beginning to all that you now will become! If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours daily at 1-877-989-9090.

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