• pusscat said on Aug 20, 2009....

  What makes me laugh about when people say, "you're not to be involved. . .only your husband", is this.  How do they think he is able to do things on the farm if he didn't have a wife that worked and kept house for him?  How would he have time to help out his bro if you weren't there cooking and cleaning and shopping etc etc etc?  If he was single, he would not have any time at all to work on the farm as he's be out there finding a fucking job!!!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!  Sorry Hege but your BIL is a wanker!!  there I said what i've wanted to say for ages.  Oooh that feels a bit better.
  
  Oh babes.  Your horse is your baby.  You need to find an animal charity whereby you could rent some space from them which would help them out.  You could maybe give a couple of hours a week to help them too like cleaning stables and grooming.  My heart is breaking for you hun. 
  

• wishyouwerehere said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Oh Hege - I have no words of wisdom at all, just that I have been in a situation where other family members have interfered in a marriage, and that really sucks, especially when you are made to feel that you are not the priority.
   
  I don't mean to get all religious on you, but even the Bible says that when a man leaves his parents' house, his wife becomes his first responsibility. 
   
  "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24
   
  And - your BIL deserves a big ol' punch in the face (that's the NY in me coming out again!)  Now you see why I was thrown out of seminary ;) - quoting scripture and endorsing violence at the same time! 
   
  I am so sorry sweetie.
   
  Big hugs - Wishy

• simplyconfused said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Your BIL.. should be beaten down or something.  Do these people not understand what a fucking marriage is?  Arg!!!  They need a damn  "marriage for dummies" book.  Though, that might be a little to over their heads to read, since it seems all they can do is pick and pry at you and your husbands marriage.  What the hell is their problem?  I am not happy about them.   
  
  
  I don't know what to say about this.  I mean, there was a time when me, my mom, and brother had to pick up and move in about a week.  However, we only had a dog to give up and we were moving back 'home' as I liked to say to where our family were.  (move from different provinces)  I'm sorry this is all happening to you, it's not fair or right. ='[  **Hugs**

• alabamagirl said on Aug 20, 2009....

  I'm sorry your going through this.  Marriage is even harder when there is negative outside influence from family.  Can your husband not understand this?  I hope things get better for you.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Hege,
  I'm so sorry, hun.  I really am.
  
  I think I would sound very hypocritical in any advice I might give you because I have never had what it takes to start over myself.  That being said, I really don't want you to turn out like me.  If your husband doesn't stand up for you now, he probably never will.  That's been my case.
  
  If your job ends, can you go stay with your mom for a while?  I know it will be cramped, but you could look for a job near her.  Sleep on the floor if you have to. Then you could save up for your own apartment.
  
  I hurt for you, Hege.
  
  (((((Hugs))))
  
  CW
  

• uniquely-ironic said on Aug 20, 2009....

  your BIL needs a kick in the nards.  Asshole!  Marriage isn't some convenient arrangement that allows you to put the other person aside when it's not convenient to have them around.  I'd encourage you to speak to a divorce attorney if you're considering that option.  You shouldn't need to walk away with nothing.  It seems to me that you've been supporting your husband and that you're entitled to an interest in that farm.  If for nothing else, you should use that tactic so that he has reason to behave himself during any seperation/divorce. 
   
  Stand up for yourself girl!  Don't take a beating and walk away.  Bullies like that don't stop being bullies so you need to show them that you're going to stick up for yourself and you're willing to take them down if you go down too.

• wombat said on Aug 20, 2009....

  (Reading this post after commenting on the other recent one.)  I am just beginning to see what you are going through, and I just want to say I know how scared and lost you must be feeling.  I wish I could say something that would help.  I think maybe you will find that can of whoop ass and do what you need to do.  One thing at a time with a clear head.  Been there, in some respects, and I know how bad you need support.  I see you have some good friends here that are doing pretty good at that, and that's wonderful. 

• UnicornForm said on Aug 20, 2009....

  I agree with uni iron. This is a tough situation and whatever happens youll be ok....
   
  sometimes the answer is all around us/infront of us ...
   
  Smile though babe, show him your strong and without consulting or loving you he is missing out on the best woman ever.
   
  o and carefully and tastefully choose ur words!!
   
  We <3 you(Or i sure do)
   
  (This is a time to hop on your unicorn and go for a fly eh?)

• woman said on Aug 20, 2009....

  I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time in your life Hedge and I hope that a ray of hope lights up you life very soon. Big hugs. Woman

• petitepapillon said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Aww Hege. I wish there was something I could say or do for you to help you through this, but all I can think of doing is giving you a great big hug.
  
  *hugs Hegemone really tight*
  
  Hang in there, sweetie.
  

• Hegemone said on Aug 20, 2009....

  PC - You're right, my BIL is a complete and utter jack ass.  At this point I almost feel indignant to what he's saying, and I'm not going to make decisions based on what HE says.  Yes, I'm trying to find someplace for my horse, I had considered that option of finding a place where I could just work off my board somehow.  Through all of this I can't see how I can just get rid of my horse, much less my other animals, when they've been my shining light through all of this.  It breaks my heart to think of it.
  
  Wishy - Lol, that's one of the reasons I've come to like you so much.  You make me laugh and yet you say something that really strikes a chord with me.  I don't think his family realizes that when he chose to take a wife, that meant they might be slipping to the back burner because he chose to have a separate future for himself.
  
  Simply - I'm seriously considering hiring a hitman for my brother, he's such a bastard.  Those people need finger paintings and clay to understand what a marriage and respect for it is, I'm convinced of that.
  
  Bama - That's part of the problem, my husband understands how bad family involvement seems to be for our marriage, but he has yet to stand up and say 'Enough is enough' to them and when I try to do so things get uglier and he doesn't back me.  He just broods at them in his own way which while HE thinks it makes a united front, they just see him as being a prick and it having nothing to do with my feelings, or rather ... because I'm acting this way it's making him be mean to them, as if he doesn't feel the same way.
  
  CW - Thank you so much for being here for me.  Means a lot, really.  That was my first idea that if I do walk away from everything, I'm going to talk to my mom first and see what we can work out there.  I'm going to need her.
  
  Uni - I know, my BIL completely deserves to be beaten bloody.  Only reason I'm not considering discussing those things with a divorce attorney is because so far my husband has been the primary provider for us throughout our whole marriage.  My end of things financially has been minimal, but the emotional and mental aspects have been taxing.  Also, I stick to my word and I will continue to do so, when I told him that if things don't work out between us I wouldn't go for his property (or potential property since he has no ownership right now) unless he went for anything of mine first.  I want it to at least be amicable and make a clean break with no potential for resentment later on.  I see how my dad feels about my mom since he had to take a mortgage out on the house, but he doesn't act that way to her.  I don't want that, I just want us to walk away clean, clear and done.  If I lose a little in the end, that's OK, but I won't make life easy for them because I have a few other tricks up my sleeve I can pull anonymously if I want ... but that depends on how nasty things would get.  Damn me and my wanting to keep my word.
  
  Wombie - Thank you, and yes it is good to have such friends on here as those I'm found.  I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this place.  I'm hoping to find that can of whoop ass soon, it's around here somewhere.  I think I really need to go off and have some time to myself so I can remember where it is, if you know what I mean.
  
  UF - It's getting close to that time to take off and fly.  I'm taking my time and thoroughly thinking everything through though.  Thank you for the support.
  
  Woman - Yes, I'm hoping to see that big ray of light soon too.  Thank you.
  
  Petite - Thank you for the hugs.  :-)
  

• wishyouwerehere said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Hege - you'll feel better about keeping your word down the line if it comes to this - been there, done that.  People think I got screwed, but I have a very clean conscience. 

• Hegemone said on Aug 20, 2009....

  Wishy - Yes, I'm hoping for those results.  I mean, in all of this, it hurts too because the farm means a lot to me too, so I don't want to put it at risk and I couldn't live guilt free if I did.

• darkerthanlightagain said on Aug 20, 2009....

  I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It must be tearing at your gut.  I think that it is okay to cry.  Don't deny your feelings.  You are strong.  You are a good person.  All I can say is "Hang in there."  Do you have a job outside of the farm?  If so, maybe you can find a room somewhere.  Was your BIL drunk when he said that too?  What the hell is up his ass?  Is it a high rise apartment building or something?  Hugs to ya to the best of my ability.  I hope things work out for the best whichever way they turn.

• CayenneMan said on Aug 21, 2009....

    Sometimes life can offer us a lot of problems but somehow we always manage to get through them and become stronger. Sounds weird but it's true.
  
     I could never be that way. No real man could , not even while drunk. I think your brother in law is a natural hopefully you're husband doesn't share the same traits at least not the assaholic ones. I don't know if thats a real word but it works for me.
     You know, when you really think about it you may be partly responsible for his attitude problem. I'm not trying to hurt you're feelings or anything but you're always making cookies for you're brother in law. Ain't nothing wrong with that but maybe you're being a little skimpy with the ingredients ?  Try increasing the Ex-Lax , nothing like working the field with a belly full of mud ;o) .
  

• Hegemone said on Aug 22, 2009....

  DTLA - Oh yes, the farm isn't my job at all, none of ours really.  It's just a family sort of thing.  And yes, my BIL was drunk, that's why I chose not to really argue with him about it .... but, after a sober conversation with him, it is the way he really feels. I wonder what crawled up his ass too.  Thank you for the support.
  
  CM - You've confused me, lol.  Cookies?  Huh?  Or do you mean that in the symbolic sense in that I'm doing nice things for him?  I can tell you now, one way or the other, all that stuff has stopped.  I'm not speaking to any of them or doing anything for them unless my husband is present and accounted for.  The way I look at it, it's his family and I'm not going to be left hanging by myself.  I don't do that to him with my family, and so now we're going to have a little equality in that department so he will have say-so in whatever we do regarding his family, I can ask him 'What do you think?' and he'll be able to tell me and he'll be able to tell them without me having to do so and worry over ramifications.
  

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