I don't think I want to go into the details, because apparently that's one of my problems, and also I don't feel it would do any good. I'm just put out and upset and that's no reason to go on blabbing. As it stands right now, my husband and I are leaving tonight in an uncomfortable silence with occasional snappiness. He is fine with that, said it straight out.
Here are the high lights:
- I basically opened up to him and told him I needed support, I needed to feel like he was there for me.
- He felt the TV show he was watching was more important, and after 15 minutes I realized he really did feel that way.
- He couldn't think of anything, throughout any of the conversation, so I was left with mostly silence. It was just the same as talking to a brick wall, except then I would have maybe heard an echo or a sound difference.
- He did not have any reaction when I told him I truly was beginning to feel there was no hope for our relationship and that we might both be better served by not dragging it out.
- He thinks we need to work on our relationship, but he can not think of how, and the many opportunities I suggested were not good enough.
- He wants me to write a list of the things that I don't like about our relationship, give it to him, and then he wants to work on it all on his own. He doesn't want to discuss it at all, he just wants to work on it himself.
- In return, I told him that if he didn't want to talk about it at all, then I wanted to see immediate results and if they were not acceptable I'm going to tell him so whether he likes it or not.
- He wants me to completely stop worrying all together about anything involving the farm, and if he acts in a fowl mood to his family, I'm to tell them 'I don't know.' when they ask what his problem is. Also, he wants there to be less contact in regards to the farm.
So here we are, everything with the farm is coming to a screeching halt. He wants to go about his way of 'not worrying about it' as he put it. Fine, I'll do that, but he better not get mad when it begins to seem like I don't care, because that's what I'm going to have to do, put it out of my mind completely. Fine, I won't speak with his family, but it won't be my problem when they all start coming at him wondering why. Fine, I'll stop having contact and I'll start telling my FIL 'NO' every time he asks for my help.
Fine, I'll write the damn list of everything I think is a problem and we won't talk about it. When things get worse, and we don't talk about how we can truly resolve the issue, and he does something to make it worse, or simply does nothing, then it won't be for my lack of trying because I have been. I've been trying damn hard. I nearly feel like I can't keep trying anymore either. I almost don't want to. I just feel like giving up really.
Honestly, I'm nearly interested in the two of us just living together, paying off our bills, looking like we're together to everybody else, getting jobs and maintaining them, and then when we can more properly afford it, getting a divorce. I can't rely on him emotionally at all. I can't talk to him, it's too much for him and it's useless anyway because he never knows what to say.
He never knows, despite the fact that I've told him things that I want to hear when I'm feeling a certain way, I've told him the things that he can do that will make me feel better, even as simple as a hug (used to be an issue because he claimed he couldn't hug me without it turning sexual, and now suddenly he says that he doesn't get those feelings anymore, but still does not hug me, definitely an underlying problem but that will be for another time). I've written him letters, material items that he can keep and look back at if needed! I simply don't have much more in me.
I feel like we're really close to losing it and I don't want that. Granted we've only been married for almost three years, but we dated for two years before that, and we grew up together for fuck sake. I don't know how to function without him in my life in some capacity and it would hurt too much to 'just be friends' at first. Also, I am close with his family, it would be really hard to just drift off there. Then there's my horse. Then there's the fact that I'd be living alone with my dad, and that scares me too.
Yet despite all of this, I don't feel that I can just bow out and to accept all of his terms. I don't feel it's fair. But I also feel like if I try to stand my ground at all, it'll push him away and things will get worse anyway. I don't know what the fuck to do. I know I'm not happy though. At all. Ha, I even told him tonight that I feel like all I have are my animals, they're the only thing that seems to lift me up and make me happy anymore.
How pathetic and sad is that?
