August 19, 2009
I guess Willie Nelson will do this to u…..;)
I wish He’d declare His intentions towards me. I have no idea how to judge appropriate behavior toward Him. I try to treat L.R. now as I would any other D/M, but even that seems to sometimes backfire. I can’t read minds, and that puts me at a disadvantage here. One day is vastly different from the next. Im trying to think of the expression. Twisting in the wind! that’s what im feeling. Ug, I’ve put on Empire of the Sun, trying to shift my mood. No such luck. I don’t know if its appropriate to broach the subject with Him. How could I know?! I hate this internet crap. Why couldn’t I have just met L.R. somewhere? Jeez…just my dumb luck huh? I feel like im doing something wrong when I spend time with CL or Ty. Am I? how the heck do I know? I need to scream, but T is home, and if I do, she’ll send N over here thinking im being attacked or something. GOD! Wish I had a cig. Stupid health…..grrr. I desperately need an art space. I need to be able to paint again. What a relief that’d be right now. Stop avoiding. Do I bring this up or not? Whats the point? I know I won’t.
The situation w/Ty tonight may be clouding my perceptions of the relationship w/L.R.
Time out for A Beautiful Lie………………………………..........
Oh who the fuck am I trying to kid?! I don’t have any interest in Ty beyond the amazing sex. I only have tried to convince myself I did cause L.R. might as well be on Venus. I can’t get close to Him. How often might I see Him? What to look forward to? Months of email…..possible visit? Im clearly not doing well here. Ive hit the “alone wall” again.
