raindove posted on Aug 16, 2009
| views: 158
i thought i wont write to you anymore.
i bit my lips to stop myself.
i deleted my account from the social networking site, so that i dont even have to see your face pop up in any friend s list and you dont have to see mine.
fuck i had over 200 friends there.
and i did something awful. i had an online relationship for a few days recently, nothing serious and i was honest, totally honest from the start.
deep inside i know why i did that. you see i dont have much faith in online stuff , who knows there might just be a 50 year old pot bellied man claiming to be a 20 something.
you are in an online relationship, just wanted to know how it feels.
but the guy stopped coming ever since i refused cyber sex, lol!
i didnt take offence, kinda funny actually.
i know you are in my hometown, its your hometown too. we live very close by so basically there are high chances of bumping into each other if i go out.
guess what? im not going out.
im holed up in my house ever since you came to town.
i know i will start crying if i see you and later beat myself up for being a silly girl.
fuck you.
someone called me up to say she saw you at the mall and you did a vanishing act.
dont know if i should be happy, you always blamed her for our break up. i never agreed but now i do. she turned out just like you said.
so yeah why did you run? are your wounds fresh as well?
one thing i know you didnt forgive her, you tried to even take revenge on her.
why? it wont get us back right? whatever.
in fact you didnt even delete me from IM, i did that.
makes me wonder did you want some sort of contact after all?
tough luck, i want it all or i want none of it.
you know i didnt even look at the tee shirt you returned when we broke up.
forget about touching it. your smell.... god its too much..
i have your number but im not dialing, even though i stare at my phone at times late at night.
not going to email, text ... nothing at all.
in fact im not even calling common friends till you leave, who knows if you are meeting them, not taking any chances.
so yeah im not going out till you leave town, it will be pretty soon i guess.
i mean the last thing i want is you knowing im still hung up on you.
i ll die of embarassment.
all i do is blog about you coz anyway you will never know. thank god for that.
i have a little confession though.
i couldnt resist taking a peek at your profile before deleting my account from the site. my profile visit is hidden you see :P
and in the column about past relationships you wrote " she was always right and i was always wrong "...
fuck you. yes im stubborn but is that all you remember??
i hope you grow fat, lose your hair and your gf runs away.
Comments
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moonriver said on Aug 17, 2009....
raindove, i'd have liked to say, "i know exactly how you feel."but each failed relationship, each break-up, has its own distinct persona.yours was obviously an extremely jarring breakup.yet, some of the things you share here are so much like my own.so i can truly understand the emotions that drive you to write this blog.in another sense, i've been trying out other approaches as my own way of coping and moving on.so many times, i rehearsed the many "fuck you's" in my mind.i tried to burn my bridges with her, but i couldn't.at least not totally.the bridges are still there, but no longer easy to cross like before.some planks remain, interspersed with wide gaps.if she tries to cross, i say to myself, then let her run the risks.maybe later i will have to decide whether to meet her half-way and help her across, if she wants.later. i'll see. i'm not holding my breath...but then again, you are more intransigent and hard-nosed."i hope you grow fat, lose your hair and your gf runs away," you say to him.i couldn't even push myself to wish on her a similar fate.i wish i was as strong as you... -
raindove said on Aug 17, 2009....
moon i am surprised and totally pissed with myself for being this way. i did handle 2 break ups successfully, one of them still wants to get back with me but i dont. i dont know and these days i dont want to know anymore, dont want any answers, just hope he would vanish from my system.
the last part was actually childish so cant really say im that strong. i wear my heart in my sleeve, fall in love easily and everytime i meet my match, i swear that he is the one lol. i find it hard to let go and give my all to love but but but, this has never happened before. i cant let him find out, im too proud to do that.
sorry about the rant, can i ask you something? does she know how special she was or maybe still is? is there any hope, how long did you break up? i hope i am not making you uncomfortable with the questions... i dont wanna do that.
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moonriver said on Aug 17, 2009....
it's okay, raindove.it's your blog, and ranting has its purposes... if only to let off steam.i can't give you very concrete advice, except that you must always try to listen closely to your soul(which is easier said than done, of course... it takes a lifetime of practice)as for your three questions:1. she knows. or at least, she knew, for a while.2. is there still hope? yes, there is. like a flickering candle in the wind.3. ((smile)) -
raindove said on Aug 17, 2009....
ahh i understand moon specially the " flickering candle in the wind " part, you have a way with words. -
Hegemone said on Aug 17, 2009....
Wow, that would be driving me nuts too. Laying low just might be the right thing to do for a while until everybody's emotions have died down, or at least until you're in a comfortable enough spot to emerge again. Best of luck with this. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) -
raindove said on Aug 20, 2009....
hegemone, i completely agree. its a better option than driving everyone nuts right! -
seer said on Aug 23, 2009....
Dove, maybe you're taking it a little harsh? I mean becoming a hermit because you broke up with someone?You know what I used to do after a break up? Hit the gym and take a course of creotine. That shit makes me look really buff for about six months. Then buy a whole new outfit. Start dating someone else. Then 'accidentally' bump into my ex. -
raindove said on Aug 26, 2009....
seer that sounds like the perfect plan :)
i guess im a little sensitive but now that i have moved on i got no plans of turning back, im totally sure bout it, thanks pal.
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