It is piss-pouring rain outside today.  All wet and weird looking out the windows.  I just close them and listen to the thunder.  I love thunder.  It always seems comforting to me.  The funny things that scare other people, I find comfort in. 

I don't know if this is about thunder or fear.  Thunder may startle you and waken you abruptly, but if you lay there and listen to it, the fear eventually goes away, if you're willing to listen. 
Fear is a natural instinct, one that serves a purpose.  I believe this also applies to pain.  I think we should all strive to learn the difference between an actual fear warning and one that has been warped/skewed in some way by our mind and is not real or can be defeated.      

We know fear can be defeated.  Remember having been scared of something as a child and finding comfort in it as an adult?  How did you overcome this?  Was it internal or external? 

I was never afraid of the dark.  I knew there were things in the dark that may or may not get me, but I knew the visible would get me.  Now sitting here writing this, I wonder about the entire point of the blog.  It seems to have changed...somewhere.

Do I conquer fear with fear or do I run to a more dangerous place because it seems safer.  The security in knowing shit could seriously happen as opposed to just silently waiting for it.  Is it a control issue? 

Here is another branch off.  I once watched a BBC special about the 9-11 jumpers.  It was interesting.  When it happened, I remember people saying bad things about the jumpers, yet to me it made perfect sense.  I believe they were misunderstood.  The BBc special, years later, was nicely done but I was never satisfied with the conclusion.  Not quite.
 
I can never begin to speculate anyone else's intentions or reasoning's.  Only my own.  I will apply them here.  If I was in the building and I knew it was going down, I would not wait for death to take me. I would take control away from death and my death would be my own.  My death, my way.  Control in a situation out of control.  Seems crazy to most people.  I see it as order among chaos.  Perception.      
 
I do not like being high up in towers.  I never have.  People on the ouside have always assumed this is me being afraid of heights.  I just agree with the afraid of heights theory and move on.  So much easier.  To explain to someone that I have distrust in towers (especially as a child) is to strike up a debate I never win.  When I am in a tower. say an open one, looking out, (those scare me the most because there are no barriers) I have the pure gut instinct to run and jump.  To control my death, not leaving it up to chance. 

Now if I say to use fear to conquer fear, that would mean I would have to go jump out of a tower.  lol.  Today doesn't feel like a good day to die to me.  I don't know what it means.  Some fears are meant to be defeated and some were not.  I personally stay away from towers, haha. 

The thunder has stopped and the sun is peeking in.  I didn't give my full attention to the thunder, but I did conquer a fear.  This is real.  My perception is different.  Maybe I am "spiritually bent". 

Or maybe everyone else is.

I always have more questions than answers.