Just recently, the guy i've liked since middle school just broke up with his girlfriend. I wasn't super excited because I want him to be happy. At the same time, I thought I finally had a chance again, even though, deep down, I know I can't be with him RIGHT NOW.
While he was dating his ex, I was in a state of denial. I liked him so much to where I lied to myself and told myself that I was over him. I thought that the more I told myself that, the more I'd believe it. But it only came back stronger everytime something happened to make me remember. So I took interest in another guy that i've know for a while. He is sweet and all, but something about him doesn't fit with me. He is as bit shy and he's not very talkative. Just those small things bug me and doesn't fit me at all. I need someone to talk to me and not be cliche with his words...
The guy that I liked in the beginning, let's call him JD. We never kissed the time that we dated. We dated our freshman year for 4months. Nothing major, it just never happened. We stayed friends after our breakup and we are still the best of friends. We've basically known each other and been best friends for almost 6 years. We go to each other for everything. I was talking to a friend once about my final years in high school and she asked me what I'd miss. Honestly, I'd miss JD. I didn't think much about it and I soon started crying. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without him. Friends or a couple, I'd be lost. That's why I'm hoping that I become stronger and don't let it hit me too hard for a long time. (Right now, I had to stop and think. It's very tough. ='[)
Anyway, just recently, me and him had a whole day together and we ended up kissing at the lake. He asked me if I felt awkward because the last thing he'd want to happen to me is regret it, or go home hurt, or anything to that affect. I told him no. We continued, and he ended up being the one to say it felt awkward. We talked after that, and I felt that I needed that, just to clear some things in my mind. Maybe the fact that I never kissed him bothered me. Idk.
On our way home, I held in my tears. He told me to think of the reasons why we couldn't be together, in hopes that it would give me reason to move on. I constantly asked him to give me something bad because I couldn't think of anything that would stop us. He mainly gave me things that would cause short term conflicts. I didn't want him to know that I was going home hurt. It hurt because I still deeply had feelings for him and it bugged me that he didn't know them completely. It doesn't bother me that we aren't together, just that he doesn't know. And we're best friends, but my feelings chance all the time. I don't want to clutter him with different feelings. Plus, best friends or not, this is something I need to do myself.
I'm not really looking for advice, just needed to get it out. Expand my mind a little more. If you want to say something, feel free. =]
