• soaringraven said on Jul 30, 2009....

  No, I don't think you are being the slightest selfish.  You have every right to expect those around you to give you some space to breathe.  I cannot understand the demands made against your and your husband's time as though you had no personal needs or desires nor any expectations of ever having any.  It is they who are selfish in this scenario.
   
  soaring

• UnicornForm said on Jul 30, 2009....

  I agree with raven, some times people just need to be alone. I feel the same as you heg, (huG) when i hng out lately , i too just dont have the best of times.maybe its a widely spread thing.

• pusscat said on Jul 31, 2009....

  No, it's not selfish darling, not at all.
  
  You see, you have been taken for granted for so long.  People have taken the piss to be honest with you.  When the feeling of being taken for granted overwhelms you, it is the logical and natural next step to want to retreat from it all.  You never have privacy - that's important for anyone.  You never have 'us' time - that's important to anybody!  You never get a 'thank you' - that will slowly grind away your feeling of wanting to help. 
  
  I for one can't wait for the day you get your own property, whether it be that one or another and you have your own lives back hun.
  

• simplyconfused said on Jul 31, 2009....

  No your not being selfish.  Not in the least! 
  
  
  I agree with what Raven and Pusscat have said.  Those around you should give you your space to breathe.  Your not going to constantly jump hurdles for people.  And, of coarse when you do help those around your not being appreciated.  Taken for granted as Pusscat has said.  When people are taking you for granted your sure as hell aren't going to want to help them.  A simple thank you, or an offer for a favor in return, or anything like that would definitely help you being your "happy to help" self.  I think you would do anything for those your close to on SC because perhaps you see more gratitude, and appreciation here then from those in your ever day life.
  
  
  Your not being selfish dearest.  Don't worry about that.  ^_^

• Hegemone said on Jul 31, 2009....

  Soaring - You are right, they all do seem to act as if we need nothing for ourselves.  Thank you.
  
  UF - Maybe it's something in the air?
  
  PC - I can't wait for that day of freedom and independence also.  A lot of what you said makes perfect sense and that's how I feel.  We're just not given the space, time, respect and consideration we need and are forced to give everybody else.
  
  Simply - Thank you for your words.  You are right, here at SC I would want to do anything simply because there is respect and appreciation.  Being taken for granted surely takes it out of you and it's like 'I want to want to help people!'  lol, but right now, I'm just in a stale, sour mood for it.  Perhaps in time that will change as we stand our ground more.  At least I'm hoping.  :-D
  

• pusscat said on Jul 31, 2009....

  
  
  
  
  
  First I'd like to give you these Hege. . . .
  
  . . . then. . . .
  
  
  

• pusscat said on Jul 31, 2009....

  . . . you and hubby need to have some of. . .
  
  
  
  
  
  

• pusscat said on Jul 31, 2009....

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
   . .then you can finish off the night with this while hubby pours you a medium chilled wine. . .

• queenparanoia said on Jul 31, 2009....

  it's not selfish... it's normal... god i want that too... to people just leave me alone... we have so many people here at home.... nothing wrong with enjoying yourself alone hegemone... :-)

• Hegemone said on Jul 31, 2009....

  PC - Bless you that would be so fantastic and yes we do need that.  You know, come to think of it, I believe I'm going to price out a night or two at the place we went for our honeymoon.  I know they're not too god awfully expensive, but I also know that's just the thing we both need.  To make matters even more brilliant ... there's no cell phone service down there!
  
  Queenie - It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling that way, lol, which is strange considering that I just want to be left alone.  But then, I did say that all of you guys here were the exception so I guess it makes sense.
  

• MsStar39 said on Jul 31, 2009....

  Hege you are just tired of being used, sometime when you help people they take advantage and just expect it everytime.
  You have just got to learn to say NO.
  Tell them you don't have time, you don't feel well or something.
  You have got to have more me time.
  

• Hegemone said on Jul 31, 2009....

  MsStar - Yup, you're right, and that's why I've been saying no a lot more lately.  I don't even care that they get bent out of shape, I'm tired of being consumed by 'helping'.

• simplyconfused said on Jul 31, 2009....

  I guarantee as you guys stand your ground more those around you are going to see your not just going to do whatever whenever.  You will probably get a pile of respect to!  ^_^  I definetly hope that you do!!

• MsStar39 said on Jul 31, 2009....

  Hege they wil;l soon get the message, let them get bent out of shape.

• CreativeWoman said on Jul 31, 2009....

  Hege,
  I've been where you are.  You are fed up with being taken advantage of.  I sort of intentionally disconnected from his side of the family.  I consider it a survival mechanism.
  
  It was my choice.  My husband still has no problem being at there beck and call.  I've just made it clear that I won't always be tagging along.  That is between my husband and me and I feel not need to justify it to the inlaws.  He can tell them what he wants. If I don't have separate plans, then I'll make some.  I've noticed that since I've broken the mold, a couple of the brother-in-laws do it now and then too.
  
  Your husband has to be united with you if your plan to be alone together is going to work.
  
  My husband rides the fence, so I go out the back gate.
  
  You have to set a few boundaries because people like that WILL walk all over you if you don't.
  
  That's been my experience.
  
  CW
  

• travelr712 said on Jul 31, 2009....

  i dare say you'd feel that way if the people from sc were actually in your physical life too. it's the control you have over the relationships here that is appealing. you can talk or not, respond or not, pay attention or not, at your discretion and in your own time. no, you're not selfish.

• Psych-ed said on Jul 31, 2009....

  I don't think you're being selfish and you deserve some time alone with just you, your husband and the animals. I know exactly how you feel and I agree with CW, you have to set boundaries. Having time to yourself is very important, but sadly some people don't really understand that. They are the ones who are selfish, expecting you to help them do what they want when they want. I say put your foot down and say "NO!"

• Hegemone said on Aug 01, 2009....

  Simply - I hope that we get that respect to, it's very important.
  
  MsStar - Yes, I've reached the point of truthfully not caring if I've upset people anymore, well, not THESE people anyway.
  
  CW - Yes, that's why I've wanted to talk to my husband about it so much lately.  I want to know if this is something we're in together or if I should plan my trek as a loner adventure.  Either way is fine, but I do feel that I won't be comfortable with him continuing to let himself be walked all over, mostly because a.) it upsets him for his own reasons, b.) it wears him down when he already faces so much and c.) in turn when he's upset, depressed, angry, etc. it takes a toll on our relationship as he takes it out on me by being cranky, dismissive and blatantly ignoring.  That last one really is not OK and we've discussed it before, which he perks up and comes out of that habit, but needs reminding from time to time.  I'm still waiting to find out whether he's running along to join me or not.
  
  Trav - You do have a point.  I have a little more space and control over the amount of contact I have with everybody here, so I can't say that it would or wouldn't change one way or the other, as this isn't an accurate enough portrayal of real life.  Thanks for pointing that out.
  
  Psych - I think you're right, it's time to put my foot down and keep it firmly planted.  No point in weakening my own foundation just for those jerks.
  

• JadeLondon said on Aug 05, 2009....

  Hege, I'm totally there with you about the anti-social bit. In fact, after a long day of doing the pretty at work, that is the last thing I want to do. I simply feel too drained. I remember wishing to be invited to parties; now that I am, I never want to attend. The last week here at SC is the most social I've been in years. Do I think there is something wrong with you or I for that? I'm not certain. Don't you sometimes feel that engaging in friendship is the same as providing ammo? SoulCast simply feels safer, for the most part.

• CJfromVA said on Aug 29, 2009....

   It's funny, I feel the same way and was told by at least three people all men that I can't have my way all the time or that I was being selfish. I found this to be really funny because when someone needs me I am always there. But just lately I feel the need to just be by myself not only to be by myself but to also cut out certain people from my circle of friends. This feeling just came over me all of a sudden. I can't explain it. I don't want this to be my permanent situation but I since I have been divorce (3 years now and I married young at the age of 20, now I am 39 years old). I have been jumping in and out of different relationships that all ended unsuccessfully. Eventually, I would like to get married again but I NEED some time for myself to get my children, career, and myself in the directions God wants it to be in. I recently brought a new home for my children and myself. I have two adult children, 21 and 18 as well as an 11 year old in which I need to be there for. Like you I feel bad and I think I might have ruined some relationships with some great people because of my new way of thinking. I glad someone posted this. I am also happy that I am not the only person that feels like this. At times I feel like I am a freak. Men come up to me to talk but I am just not interested. I have to remind myself that everything has a season. I guess I am in the rebirth season and once I am done with finding myself I will be a totally awesome person stronger person who will be able to give a man all what he wants and then some. Until then I will continue in this cycle. Ok, you all saved my a bundle of loop (money) of therapy. THANKS!

   

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