When someone says "I think I want to kill myself" what do you think?
maybe one of these:
"He just wants attention"
"Hes just being dramatic"
"what does he know of pain?"
"hes just saying that to get what he wants"
yeah. me too. But what about when someone says it.. and MEANS it? What if you brushed them off, and they did it? what if you were the last cold hearted individual to have ever turned their needs down?
Not to be dramatic.
But I feel like killing myself.
cycle through those things in your head. judge in your mind whether Im just a moron, just a kid, just immature. Now consider in your head... do you really even care if some random guy on the net kills himself tonight?
for 4 years I've lived like this. Temporary highs always sinking back to suicidal depths. Never feeling happy for more than a minute or so, before I remember who I am, where I live, what my life means. And lately... even those momentary happy moments... aren't coming. I havent felt anything but regret, pain, longing... in .... too long. a steady ache in my chest, that never goes away. a searing pain in my head, at every past memory. never quite gone all the way. I hurt. And.. it never goes away.
and it never will.
youll tell me "its temporary, youll get through it"
thats JUST it. I WONT. because the source of my depression isnt because of some ex, or money troubles, or a bad relationship. at least not mainly. NO, my problem is one that SO commonly is felt by EVERYONE. so WHY am I so much more affected by it?
MY problem, is that I see my life, and your life. I see the world as it is now, and as it always has been. It is NOTHING. there is nothing in the end. there was nothing at the beginning. My life is pointless, and all of my actions therein, are just as... POINTLESS. How can I bring forth the motivation to CARE about anything when nothing matters? NOTHING MATTERS. and NOTHING, ever will.
even assuming there is an afterlife... What POINT is there to that? what is the end goal?
as I sit here thinking about it, I think to myself "god what a sucky reality" and then I think "sounds like a scary movie, or a dream that your glad you woke up from"
but Im NOT dreaming. this is reality. this is MY reality. the reality that every day of my life, and eternally thereafter, will be just as pointless as this one. and there is nothing I can do to change it. no job I can ever get will change the fact that Ill die. and Ill be forgotten. and that NOBODY will care.
its an expansion of the terrifying thought I had when I was a kid. "who created the universe" whenever I would think about that question I would get a vague creepy chilling sensation, as the essence of true nothingness briefly, took over my mind. as I realized for just a second what NOTHINGness would be like. and it was terrifying. I would have nightmares about it.
and THAT. that feeling of nothingness that I had nightmares about? that scared me so badly? that touched me for mere seconds at a time, if I thought too long about it? thats what I feel ALL THE TIME. a vague, chill. the reality that this IS life. this IS real, this is NOT nightmare.
and I cant live it down.
I ...
cant figure out how to keep going.......
Balefish posted on Jul 19, 2009
| views: 164
Comments
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anonymous said on Jul 19, 2009....
whats that ? 3 views already, and 3 people who didnt care. Is it really a wonder that our society is in such a state of fuckin bullshit? when one person cant care enough to smile at a stranger, to maybe help a woman with her groceries, or to speak to an outcast.
or EVEN, to drop a word in with a lonely suicidal.
sad.
fucking sad. -
pusscat said on Jul 19, 2009....
I can honestly say my friend that when I hear someone say (and I have) "I want to kill myself" the last thing I think is any of the 4 examples you gave. To even have the slightest incling to say those 5 words, means something is seriously troubling that person and they are reaching out in some way. They are saying "Help!".
I wish I had lots of answers for you hun but, all I have is my take on life and I have no idea if it will make any difference to you or not.
The majority of people never believe their life is worth much at some point in their lives. Many people believe that if they never existed, it would not make one iota of difference or, if they were to die, it really wouldn't shake the world. Well, I can tell you that over the past year of my being on SC (been here 2 years) I have been shocked to say the least to discover that my existance really has made a difference and no one was more surprised than me.
(I so hope this doesn't come across as conceited) I've had PMs that have left me in tears telling me how my words of support and advice have actually saved someones life. I've had PMs telling me that my words made them change things in their lives that needed doing but they never had the guts to do it before. I have had PMs telling me that it made all the difference to someone that they were not the only person that felt like that and so they didn't feel so alone.
Because of my quick actions on more than one occasion, I have saved the life of my best and dearest friend of 29 years who has severe non epileptic seizures.
I know that in the great scheme of things it may not matter one jot if all of mankind didn't exist. In reality if we all ceased to exist, it wouldn't bother Mother Earth, I'm sure. The thing is, I know I have to make the most of what I have. If I can save that poor little baby rook that has been abandoned then i will and it makes me feel real good that I did. If I can make someone else feel that little bit better about themselves I'm glad.
I honestly don't care if there is an afterlife or not. Nothingness will not bother me as I won't exist so I won't be able to think or worry about it. What I do try to do is live for today. Do you realise that when you have walked down a street or gone into a shop and maybe smiled at someone that makes a difference. That person could have been feeling really down that day and you just smiling at them mattered. We often don't know that we've made a difference to someone as they are usually strangers who won't tell us.
I so wish you would look at the beauty in the world and not worry where it all sits in the great scheme of things. Accept the beauty for what it is.
PM me any time if you want.
Take care hun.
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Balefish said on Jul 19, 2009....
I understand all that.. and that is all what troubles me. because even if I devoted my whole life to helping other people... none of it matters. eventually this world will be gone. and noone will remember it. and even if they did, who cares?
my issues isnt with being remembered.. its... with.... -everything-.
not that I dont matter, or that I cant make a difference. its the fact that even if I DO make a difference in the future of humanity, it STILL doesnt matter in the long run.
like a video game. you play and play to get to the end, and then at the end... all you get is the end credits. it doesnt mean anything. theres nothing there. and what you did in that game, will never matter to anyone ever again, outside, or inside the game. and even if it did, you wouldnt be there to know it, and even if you were, it DOESNT matter, because... it just DOESNT.
god thats the fucking point, is that it doesnt matter. nothing does. its a simple thing to say, but the gravity of it is beyond explanation.
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Balefish said on Jul 19, 2009....
I do appreciate your caring tho. maybe Ill get on meds. couldnt HURT at this point. -
pusscat said on Jul 19, 2009....
I do see what you mean Bale honest I do. The thing is, if no one remembers me does it make me sad? No, you see, when I save the life of that baby bird, I did it for me and the baby bird. Not for someone to talk about it in a 100 years from now or 50 years from now. It made me feel good RIGHT NOW. When I read that PM that someone believed i saved their life, I don't expect anyone to praise me cos to be honest, I only told 2 people about it but boy, did it make my night, my week, my year!!
When this earth is gone and nothing but space dust is left I won't cry thinking about it because I was me whilst I was here. If no one ever knows I ever existed that's ok, honest. Because I am not here to think about the future, i'm here to be me right now and to make the most of what I have. Can you picture the smile on my face when I visited the animal sanctuary and saw that baby rook with his pathetic bedraggled feathers but he was doing just fine. HE was pecking and strutting and was just so cute. It doesn't matter if no one saw my smile or knows it happened. It felt so GOOD, it really did. Do you know how good it felt when because I didn't just buy the Big Issue from the homeless person I stood and had a conversation with them. The look on their face - their face lit up. wonder when the last time anybody actually stopped and chatted to them? I felt good and my smile was nearly as big as his lol!
It may be worth seeing someone about these feelings you are having in case it is something of an inbalance within your mind. When my meds needs changing (not sure if you saw my latest couple of posts where I just about lost the plot I'm afraid) I often have very dark thoughts that are slightly irrational. I hate the thought of you feeling and thinking like this, especially as there really is fun and laughter to be had.
anon - i do agree that we should all take the time to help the old lady, give a simple smile to strangers and speak to the underdogs of this world. I think the reason some view a post though but don't comment is they honestly don't know what to say. Many people are afraid of sayiign the wrong thing and making things worse. Like you say though, a simple "I wish you could feel better" or "I'm so sorry you feel this way" doesn't cost anything :-)
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UnicornForm said on Jul 19, 2009....
aw i care. ive been low to, infact im struggling to rock climb my way out of it. But these always make me feel better and i think they go a long way:
Hearts, smiles, hugs and finally my most favorite:
"Bad" makeup -
Balefish said on Jul 21, 2009....
haha thaanks =P -
speaking_up said on Jul 21, 2009....
This will pass, especially if God doesn't want you yet. Just ask me. -
anonymous said on Aug 09, 2009....
I am in the same boat. I think of the people who say "it will get better", "you have so much to live for", "you are not alone". Well.... what the fuck is the point of being miserable every single fucking day, waking up and feeling the pain "that nobody feels but you" You take meds or go to therapy and these are all just quick fixes..... and they never take away the true pain that I feel inside. If I can't be happy, find joy in anything, and don't have any interest in anything, then what is the fucking point to living. -
anonymous said on Aug 09, 2009....
the point is looking forward to yet unlived laughs, success, surprises and miracles unmet good hearts and journeys. Happy tears sad tears(The ones you feel like a million bucks after) and being random and just living for the now.. -
speaking_up said on Aug 09, 2009....
I tried to hang myself a couple of weeks ago...once again, God didn't want me and I had to go through all the hell of the afteraffects.Give it up and try to live a good life. It's up to you. -
Balefish said on Aug 12, 2009....
thanks commenters. Nice to know Im not the only one who feels this way all the time I guess. Misery does love company. -
anonymous said on Aug 13, 2009....
Dont mean you have to put up with it, kicking him in the balls ussually works to rid of him
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