I have decided that I need to spend less time outside in the neighborhood.  That way no one can sniff up my asshole and harass me.  I think that I pissed off alot of men the other night.  I can't worry about it though.  I was pissed off.  I had every reason to be that way.  I can't seem to fucking fart without half of the neighborhood knowing my business.  If I stay indoors, what can they say about me?  They are pissing on my right to be myself.  Then they wonder why I fucking hate them.  I'm sick of it.  The sad part is that it's mostly African Americans that are pulling this crap.  It's not always them though.  They are usually my age or younger too.  It's really a shame.  Oh well.  I can fight it off very easily.  I can quit smoking.  I can make it so I only step outside to go to the store or library.  Then what can they say?  If I'm not in the aggravation, the fuckers can't say shit.  I am going to keep myself busy by picking up books and reading them.  If I goal to be smarter than the fuckers that piss me off, then good for me.  I don't have to answer to them anyway.  I need to be smarter than them.  When I was a kid education wasn't important to me.  Now as an adult I see every amount of its importance.  I'm glad that I quit smoking weed.  I'll be damned if I'm going to allow my mind to go to waste on pot anymore.  If they want to do it, that's their business.  I don't have to be like them.  I don't even remotely want to be like them.  If I become more intelligent than the people around me, so what?  I want to be brilliant.  I want to be a mastermind.  Fuck being stuck in this limited stupidity rut that I feel I'm in.  Fuck killing myself because it feels better to think about and plan then living does.  I know for fact that my emotions tend to be self destructive.  I'm going to have to face myself head on.  The me that's aggravating is the side that has been attracted to men that are abusive.  That same side of me can masturbate about the darkness and suicide, but nothing healthy.  There are reasons why I can't listen to my whole self anymore.  I wanted to be whole but if I do that, I'll be nill.  Maybe in time I can train that side of me to care about my wellbeing instead of the way I sometimes feel like I miss Ed's dumb ass.  Why would I even care about anyone that has spit on me?  The fact is that my self destructive side cares.  That pisses me off to no end.  I don't need Ed in order to survive.  I need me to stop giving a fuck about him.  He is my enemy.  The bible doesn't say love and lust after your enemy.  It does say love your enemy though.  Ah, but wait!!!!!  I don't want to pay attention to what the bible says.  Martyrdom is self destructive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Martyrdom is exactly what it preeches.  I don't want to be a martyr.  How do I kick my own ass so I can make even more plans for a brighter future?