I have a lot to tell, to document, to archive....but I'm not ready. My life has taken such a drastic turn for the worse that nobody I know would believe what I am doing now.
Just for the record, I had a meltdown at the treatment center. It was pretty scary...they say I 'disassociated' when I walked out of the center at 9:30 pm, in my pajamas, while working on a historical trauma project. I tried to tell the night staff that the project was too alarming for me...I coud not draw the pictures they wanted me to draw. Talk about stuff, yea....write about my stuff, sure. But DRAW IT? No. I had a psychotic episode and ended up in the streets of a large city wandering around for hours. I took taxi's but they all got fed up with me because I didn't know where I was going; I had some money but they all thought I was nuts and all let me out of the cabs.
I ended up driving through 3 major cities...and woke up on my son's grave. I was beginning to come out of whatever it was I was in and new I had to get shelter fast. It was 5:00 am. Hotels wouldn't take me because I had no id. But one motel took pity on me and gave me a room. Slowly, as I sat staring at the walls for hours, I came out of my 'trance.' At that moment I knew I had to let the staff at the treatment center know I was okay. I went to the lobby and asked if I could fax or email a message - he agreed. Whew. I don't want anyone worrying about me unnecessarily.
To be continued...where I went from there will blow you away. You will see me differently. I see me differently. And not in a good way.
Glad to be back. Glad to be able to write to my heart's content about things that I would never tell anyone. This is going to be a rough, rough, ride as I explore how I got myself into the positon I am in now.
