I have been to the doctors just now. I saw a doctor that has only seen me once before as an emergency a few weeks ago with a poorly
bowel. It was good that he was approaching this with fresh eyes and ideas. He went through everything on my file on his computer which
impressed me. He ensured that hubby and I have the Mental Health Crisis Team number, which I
do anyway as I work with them.
I have been advised to double the Depakote dose again and continue with double the anti depressant I take, Lafepremine. He's also given me an anti psychotic drug
called Olanzapine, which is what hubby is on. This is to help calm my thoughts and my nerves as you can almost see me physically shaking at times.
As I was so upset whilst pouring everything out to him, he has also pre booked me an
appointment for Tuesday morning to check on me. He has noted it on the computer records
too that this is my forth episode this year alone but of course the 3 previous ones I
just managed to get through them with double dosing my meds and managed to stay at work but at
least it's on my file now.
I told him everything. I realised that for him to help me, I had to help him by laying myself bare. I explained
that I had been told a few times that there was nothing on my file to
say I was bipolar. Apparantly it has something to do with that particular surgery not having
diagnosed me but I was diagnosed as bipolar 1 about 12 years ago
when I lived in Old Basford in Nottingham. I him that, although I was not into self diagnosis, I had of course been reading up on everything to do with bipolar. I explained to him how I realised that I could tick every
single box for me when you read the full range for
Bipolar ll not 1 anymore. When I told him that he asked about alcohol and, as I completely broke down, I knew I had to be
totally honest with him. i'm glad hubby was in there with me. I
told him straight that, if I were to be left all week on my own I would drink every night to
be honest just to get me through the evenings. It's only having hubby there that stops me doing that but i
had to tell him I was drinking a 1.5 ltr bottle of 7% wine every other
night! God, to see it writing is awful. You see, it's Catch 22 with Bipolar ll. One of the traits is to misuse alcohol or other illicit substances even though we know that these things are a quick high but a supressant. The logic is there. We know what we are doing - gosh it's so hard to explain it without it sounding like a pathetic excuse. It actually goes into great detail about it on the website and really made sense of what I was doing.
So, as from now, it's 2 anti depressants and 3 mood stabilizers in the morning then the Olanzepine at night and hopefully there should be a difference in a couple of weeks.
I
do like watching films myself but when hubby is here we don't as he has
such a short attention span with his depression so we tend to watch
lots of comedy programmes and natural world and history programmes. Hubby does have to go to his mums every few weeks to help her with shopping
and things as she can barely see and it also gives him a break from the house and his
depression and she is a lonely lady also (a widow). When he goes I am
determined to watch some of the films I have on DVD and the ones that
are on TV anyway to keep me focussed and occupied instead of drinking. I'm determined to get better but this episode has
scared me.
pusscat posted on Jul 16, 2009
| views: 261
Comments
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MissMimi said on Jul 16, 2009....
peecee, I am so relieved that you've seen the doctor, and that he was very thorough about questioning you about your symptoms. Sometimes docs tend to blow off mental health issues -- I think because a lot of them have no idea what they're talking about.When you e-mailed me after you had been drinking and then doing self-injury, it scared me to death. Not telling you that to make you feel bad, just that I know now the true extent of what you've been going through. I feel terrible that you have to go through this. You sound hopeful for the first time in a long time.I wanted to say right here that I saw the pics you posted on Flickr, and here is what I saw: You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. One who hurts and feels deeply.Hang in there, sweet pea. I'm here if you need anything at all. -
CreativeWoman said on Jul 16, 2009....
I hope you feel peaceful very, very soon.
CW
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pusscat said on Jul 16, 2009....
Oh Mims - you are such a good friend to me darling, I don't honestly know what I would have done without you these past months. I guess there was so much I felt I had to hide from everyone for so long as I was ashamed but this is the real me.
CW - I sure hope so too. Thank you :-)
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Hegemone said on Jul 16, 2009....
Well PC, I'm happy that you were totally open with your doctor, it'll help him help you for sure. I hope that this new combination of meds will help you feel much much better. It takes time to get that balance right sometimes. I've learned this with my own mother being bipolar. I'm not going to keep babbling, you know what you're going through, I know what my mom goes through, so 'nuff said, lol. I'm here if you need, as you well know. Oh and I've got a story I'm working on little by little that hopefully in the next couple of months I'll be able to share ... it just completely makes me think of you. I think you'll enjoy it if you get the chance to read it. -
alabamagirl said on Jul 16, 2009....
Don't be ashamed, we are all human and have problems of some nature or another. Stay strong and know that you have a support group of friends surrounding you from all over the world. -
cuppajava said on Jul 16, 2009....
I am at least happy that you have been able to admit certain things to others,about yourself.I think I have told you before that running away from things,or hiding from things isnt the way to solve anything - I am sure that you will be ok,and i for one,do wish you well -
DaddysLittleSlut said on Jul 16, 2009....
I can't begin to understand the frustrations of this disease. I've watched you struggle and try so many times. Over and over your loving heart shines through, your eagerness to please, your longing to serve and be accepted. I do hope with all my heart that with this doctor's help that you are able to take control over those chemicals that are messing with you and enjoy the delicious woman that you are.Life has its rough spots and its smooth spots but the overall ride is grand and when a person's heart is as big as yours, you deserve a wonderful life. -
pusscat said on Jul 16, 2009....
Hege - it's always nice to know my friends are here :-) I can't wait to read your story - i'm thinking injured animal or bird??
alabama - i'm going to be as strong as I can be with the help of all my friends. Thank you :-)
CJ - thank you ever so much for coming - it's nice just typing those intitials here. Thank you so much for your comment. It means the world to me.
DLS - you will stand in the corner for being such a naughty little girl and making me cry ;-) Seriously though, you have moved me with your words. Bless you. They mean a lot. You are so right too that life can be a wonderful ride and I think, even for me, most of the time it is. The dips certainly make us appreciate the highs xx
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wombat said on Jul 16, 2009....
While never formally diagnosed with anything, I too could take one of those tests and "tick every box." (as a repressed memory/abuse victim) I went through several years of bizarre experiences and hell, and somehow came out the other side able to say that was "back then." I don't understand all of this as I don't keep up and read everything, but I know I was probably bipolar--just not getting treated for it. I used to do some unbelievable things! I just hope you can have the help you need, but also keep in mind that there is an "other side" to the dark days.
Some people talk about this and say it's a hormone imbalance. I don't know about that for sure, but there is "peri-menopausal" syndrome to consider. I'm rambling here, and I'm sorry.....I just want to help if I can. I'll just shut up and send a hug.
{{{{{{{{{wombie}}}}}}}}
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secretlife said on Jul 16, 2009....
oh puss i'm so glad you decided to open up. i know you won't regret this decision.
we're all routing for you!
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Me-Myself&I said on Jul 16, 2009....
I wish you all the best sweet thing! like Secret said, we're all routing for you! i do wish you peace in mind, body and soul!! -
RollingC said on Jul 16, 2009....
I'm glad that you decided to open up to your doctor...that was the smart thing to do as that's the only way he can help you. I believe in you Pusscat and I'm certain that this is a step in the right direction for you to overcome your ailments.
♥
Rc
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sg138 said on Jul 16, 2009....
good luck finding a balance I hope the best for you , you have been a good friend in a short time . -
pusscat said on Jul 17, 2009....
wombie - I'm so glad you came out the other side of that and you can ramble any time you like on my posts lol! A co-worker has mentioned peri menapausal to me before due to the hot flushes I was getting (worse than the ones my meds usualy give me). I do have a contraceptive implant that is being removed and replaced by something else soon so we'll see if that alters that. If not, my gynae GP will be doing some tests on me. Thank you for your support.
secret - the way everyone here is so good to me puts that great big lump in my throat. You guys are just the best. Thank you :-)
MeMy - hey there. Bless you. You are such a good soul and I know how you suffer too. I hope everything went ok the other day? I know you were not looking forward to that at all. I read your post, sorry I didn't comment. I laughed about the shoes and the cats too lol!
Rolling - thank you for believing in me my friend. Everyone's words here really do make a difference in such a big way too!
sg138 - thank you ever so much for your kind words. Anyone that is good to my friend DLS and puts a smile on her face is a friend of mine :-)
The Olanzapine knocked me out last night! Marvellous. No laying there for hours trying to sleep and I didn't wake until 8.15 this morning which was an extra 2 hours to normal. I even managed to nod back off for another hour lol! My nerves feel better this morning already. I know I have a long way to go but with all your support here, I know I can do. Thank you all so much.
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Me-Myself&I said on Jul 17, 2009....
good to hear of your good nights sleep. *smile* i know the importance of a good sleep. hey, i read so many posts and never say a thing myself. well you take care of yourself! i wish you a good weekend! ~see ya -
pusscat said on Jul 17, 2009....
Bless you MeMy and a good weekend wished for you and your pussy cats too :) -
MsStar39 said on Jul 17, 2009....
PC I am so glad that you were able to open up and be completely honest with the doctor, this is the only way that they can prescribe what you need. I do hope that you improve real fast so that you won't have to take that much for long, each med you take has different side effects.
I have a feeling that you are going to start feeling better soon.
You are such a loving person and we are all here to support you.
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pusscat said on Jul 17, 2009....
MsStar - thank you ever so much for your support. I agree, I hope I'm not on these new tablets for too long. The support I receive here honestly never fails to astound me :-) -
copsunite said on Jul 17, 2009....
relax....take a deep breath! there will be a new day for you. you need more sunshine to lift your spirits. depression seems to be the nglish way. -
Mascon said on Jul 17, 2009....
Your last paragraph is a bit of a non sequitur eh? ;-) -
pusscat said on Jul 17, 2009....
cops - welcome to my post. I do believe a lot of people suffer with the seasons and lack of sunshine here, then add depression and my bipolar?... Lordy, Lordy lol!
Mascon - hello Sir - I've always been known for jumping from one conversation to another. I usually make sense about half of the time ;-) I guess you now know I used paste and copy from my mail to you ha ha!
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Girlygirl said on Jul 18, 2009....
Hey PC...I'm so glad you finally got some help with this. And you know that when you are alone you have SC instead of drinking...We're here for you babe! lol..I hope the new meds really do help you out. You are a darling person and that needs to be able to keep shining through..(((BiG HUGS)))...
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