Things have been looking pretty dire for me. I never went to the CSU. I almost went today but decided that I didn't want to lock myself up somewhere just because I am unhappy anymore. There has to be a better way then for me to be in something like a prison. I have time before the next appeal is looked at for Social Security. In that time I have to get myself together. I do think that I am only going to surround myself with a select few people around the neighborhood. Gabby kept trying to lecture me. I raised my voice in frustration. Sometimes people treat me like a child who doesn't know how to even breathe. It's really pathetic. This fact is something that I need to address. I need to find a way to get people to treat me with some dignity and respect. Maybe I need one of those self help books that teaches a person how to get their way with people. Have you ever heard of these types of books? They seem interesting. I know that "The Art of War" is a good book. It's not really a self help book, but does teach how to handle your enemy in times of attack and counterattack. I think I need to read that book again. I need to start concentrating on widening my intellectual horizon. I just hope that my memory loss issues don't get in the way.
I noticed a stange change in me today in comparison to last night when I was upset. I totally overreacted last night. If that wasn't a mood swing, I don't know what is. I know that something triggered it, but still.......................why the hell was I so pissed off at the world that I kept saying I hope that they blow their hands off with the firecrackers they were shooting off. Those people didn't do anything to me. I got dark and evil last night. It's been a while since I have been that damn dark. I was laughing at the concept of a hand being blown off and it flying across the road in the air. WEEEEEEEEEEE......................Ok maybe it's still funny to me. I'm getting warped. I'm imagining things that are quite violent happening to other people. I guess it's ok as long as I don't act out the things that I think up. I do believe that I would act it if there were no laws against it though. I'm glad that I am at least strong enough to not hurt anyone like that. Maybe the only change in me is that I am not overreacting right now. I am calmer. I'm not flipping the fuck out yelling. I am still cussing though. I think that I need to let the doc know about how I get such a kick out of the idea of someone getting their hands blown off.
I've got to pull myself together though. I think that I am going to look up some self help books at the library. The worst that can happen is that I "fall on my face" again.
