I know I've been doing a bit of a vanishing act ... it's just that all the recent changes have me feeling a bit vulnerable and insecure.
It's been sad, but kind of liberating in a way, packing my things and getting ready for the next stop on the journey. I leave at the end of the month.
In the midst of it all, the fact that Taran actually went through with his marriage to the woman his family chose for him was really more devastating than I first chose to admit. Now that I have had time to absorb it, I see that it is mostly about me, my disillusionment and the questions this whole situation stirred within myself.
I have been dissecting everything that went on between us from that first moment until the day he returned to New York and told me of his "dilemma." It might have been helpful for him to tell me about his concern for family expectations and "duty" before promising me the moon, but whatever - that part is squarely on him. I have no idea how anyone could abide by such duality. I hope his conscience is really eating at him as he claims, but I have my doubts, especially since he seemed eager to allow it to continue - keeping both wife and mistress as a "compromise."
No - my difficulties really stem from this feeling that I should have been more suspicious, less trusting, less vulnerable. I am desperate to find something along the way that should have alerted me so that I will be less likely to make the same mistakes in future relationships. So far, I have come up with nothing.
I can't go around mistrusting every single member of the male species. And I thought about giving up men for good, but neither celibacy or homosexuality seems too appealing at the moment. So ... here's my heart on a silver platter? I dunno .... I was pretty reserved to begin with, I think - it wasn't as though I jumped into things with T. It was a two year saga, at least ...
I feel so disappointed, so let down. I don't like that someone else gets to do that to me ... again. At least this time, there wasn't as much of an investment as there was in my marriage, but still ... same type of ending. The allure of another woman - kind of shakes the self-confidence.
Stick to what you know, Wish - that's what I think to myself. I am starting school soon. Maybe all this energy is best thrown into my studies. I have always been a very successful student. Not so successful in relationships ... ah well.
Why do we all have this innate longing to share our love with someone? I enjoy being alone, to a certain extent, but I feel disconnected. Honestly, there's been some element of that even while I was with Taran. It started the day I was slapped in the face with my husband's infidelity and realized divorce was probably the best option, despite all the effort on my part to try and avoid a split.
In a way, it's nice that life didn't turn out the way I expected. I have a lot of wonderful things to look forward to - but it's hard letting go of what might have been, and hard to concede that someone else had this much of an impact on my emotions and self-image. Perhaps it was an inevitable risk. In any event, I'm still kicking.
