mmmmm its been a strange few weeks,.....

tuesday krista and i took a road trip to buckee's,.....
its like the disney land of gas stations,..they have EVERYTHING,...
there are 12 billboards between here and buckee's advertiseing the beaver bounty, and we smoked a bowl everything we saw one,....needless to say by the time we got there (threeish hours later) we were starveing and ate everything we could get our little hands on,.....

the conversation there and back was better than the jalepeno fudge i found,.......and thats sayin alot as jalepeno fudge is my favorite

maybe it was the pot,....maybe it was the heat,....maybe it was the beaver,......but its like krista had this revelation that everything is so much  bigger than her,......
the past six months i've quietly tried to lead her in that direction,...
she was raised in a very strict assemblies of god home, and attends a college with them some tennets,....

she's lived a life, so far, that is rules and guidelines,.....
a personal relationship with god is more that just talkin to him,.....its knowing what you believe, and not just believein things becuase people tell you too,....

your actions affect people even if you dont know them, or indend it....but they do,.....

sometimes i have a very zen way at lookin at our interconnectedness

anyway,......

i also took her on the hometown tour on the way home,.....showed her the old hang outs so she'd know what i was talkin about,......
she also figured out the reason she doesnt understand why i am so connected to a place is because she's never felt that connection,....but she wants to,...and is resentful that i have that,.....she understands why its so important for me to make everyone feel at home, because i know what its like to not really have a home

i'm gonna make that yankee love this place,....i am i am i am


now,...about monty

things are,....beautiful,.....
things are exactly what i wanted
things are just what i've asked for,....

and i'm gonna push him away,...i can feel myself pushin him away,.....
its like the happier i am, the more i question

we only except the love we think we deserve,....
and the ghosts of my past have me runnin away from him, in this silent, slow pace,......

i've got to get a hold of myself,.....and not be so distant when he's here,....my time with him is so limited anyway,...not like with kyle, but he's only home two or three days a week,.......and while i want to spend as much time with him as possible i dont want to crowd him

our relationship via text message is amazing,.....but when i get to him,.....after the intial 'i have to have you' sex,......when we're just layin there and he's kissin me on the forehead,......i start thinkin too much and i get scared

what if he takes that away from me
what if one day i wake up and he's not there anymore
why do i have the hardest time holding on to something i want so much

tuesday night we couched it, and watched roadhouse,....or he watched roadhouse,.....and i kept edgeing farther and father from him on the couch,.......until he finally grabed me up, held me tight and told me he knew what i was doin,.....he said he wasnt gonna let me do that, no matter how subconcious it was,....

i hope he's right