Ok, I have been meaning to actually sit down and finish this little post.  Trust me when I say that it has been hanging there in the back of my mind, always poking me in the same place over and over until I have wanted to scream.  It was too hot for me to stand sitting at the computer and basting myself in sweat from the heat of the summer and the heat from the computer.  Thankfully, the heat has subsided, though it is still a bit humid, but life has encroached and stirred up a mess of garbage that I have had to deal with.  Sometimes life can be rather inconvient. 

 

Now, I am here, going to try and finish this and hope that I make some sense.  That I'm able to get across what I'm thinking.  This should be interesting since I'm working on a 3 or 4 day lack of sleep thing.  Or something like that....

 

When I was growing up, I was always taught that if I am to visit anyone, that I'm to respect their home and their belongings.  To not be rude, loud, and obnoxious.  To always say thank you and please and your welcome.  In other words to be a proper young lady.  Those teachings have been ingrained, I never stepped out of line when I was visiting another's home.  I showed the utmost respect, I mean come on, it wasn't my home where I could kick my feet up on the couch or coffee table.  Where I could be as loud, rude, and obnoxious.  Where I can basically let it all hang out.  I was prim and proper.

 

I have nothing against being respectable.  Being polite.  Being kind.  I honestly think we need more of that in the world.  I do feel however, that it can cripple you and make you be a doormat.  Heres my example, or story....

 

I'm american, native in fact.  Have never left the states except to travel up to Canada or down to Mexico.  I have always wanted to see the rest of the world, experience new cultures, new languages, new everything.  I wanted to learn about the world around me, because there is more out there than the U.S.  So, when I met a swedish man and started a relationship with him, my dreams were going to be finally realized.  I was moving to Sweden.  I was going to see beyond the borders of the USA and I was excited.  I was all bugged eye taking in the sites, listening to the language, and then it hit me - I'm not swedish.  I'm not even european.  I'm american.  Ok, I should act accordingly.  I will be respectable, I will be polite.  I'll be so prim and proper, that I'll put my grandparents to shame.  So I did.

 

At doctors appointmets, I didn't say much, just sat there.  I mean come on, its not my country, its not my language.  Besides, I don't want to be pushy and obnoxious.  Dealing with other people, super polite.  Super polite, super prim and proper - everyday for three years.  I didn't feel it was right to question anyone here because I didn't know the culture that well, I didn't know the policies, and I didn't know the laws.  I was completely ignorant.  I followed the saying about keeping silent instead of opening your mouth and removing all doubts. 

 

I lost who I really was.  I lost myself, my fight, my independence and I didn't even know it until at an appointment for my youngest.  I sat there, not saying too much, letting the nurse jabber away.  Trying to be polite.  Then I really started hearing what she said.  I realized that if I didn't embrace who I once was, then this woman who knew nothing about myself and my family, was going to make decisions for my family.  Decisions that were wrong, that would cause more harm than good.  I thought after three years as being a "yes woman" I wouldn't know how to be the strong woman I was back in the states....It was amazing to realize I still knew how to be her...and it felt so damn good.

 

Trying to be polite to such an extreme just about jepordized my youngest son.  Trying to be super polite for three years just about caused me to loose who I really was.  I was basically a doormat, not standing up for myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my wants, for me.  I always just sat there nodding my head like an imbecile with the biggest, dumbest smile on my face at all times.  I was the obedient immigrant.  I did this with doctors, nurses, and even my husband's family.  I almost killed my true self....almost lost that part of me that makes me who I am.

 

Being polite and respecting other's home, belongings, self, and countries I think is important.  The world is getting to small for us to be disrespectful of each other.  But there should be a limit - be polite enough, respectful enough, that others would want to invite you back again....But not so much that they are wiping their feet on your back.  Not so much that you kill your true self.