• uniquely-ironic said on Jul 08, 2009....

  Every time I read about the Dom/Sub thing I feel old.  Like you, I thought sex was something you enjoyed and if games got played during it that was great.  I didn't realize that it was planned like an event.  Seems to me that if you're confused at this point that it's only likely to become more confusing later.

• diabolicdame said on Jul 08, 2009....

  I suppose it would be easier to slip into it if you naturally have dominating instincts? I got no clue really.. sounds like you'll need to prepare before you get to play.. hehe..

• gingersoul said on Jul 08, 2009....

  Super.....oh, no.....another daddy in the making?
   
  I was thinking just last day about this sub/dom thing....it seems SC has become an haven for bloggers with this flair.
  I strongly suggest you to read their blogs and stuff.. at least you can have a better idea of what S. is talking about..
   
  For me.......i have my opionion about all of this and why so many people find it so fascinating .......but i think i will keep it for me, for now ....
   
  I am more than fine with sexy games, but it would just make me laugh my thong off having to call my man "daddy", sorry.... ....;-p...
   
  A longer conversation with S. is mandatory, you are right....

• superbozo said on Jul 08, 2009....

  Hi Uni...Just when you think you've seen/know it all hey. You could be right it may well only get more confusing.

  Hi DD...I wonder if there is a dom101course at colledge or something :)

  Hi Ginger...I'm all up for fun and games in the bedroom. For me though it's more spur of the moment. I've never really planned out what is expected. I'm all for guidelines too but it seems some of my old boundries are out of the window. I'm with you the "daddy" thing just cracks me up :)

• CreativeWoman said on Jul 08, 2009....

  I haven't a clue except to think it is about control.  So, I'm no help.  Maybe four dates is not long enough before that next step if you are having some confusion about her.
  
  Good luck.
  
  CW
  

• travelr712 said on Jul 08, 2009....

  better answers would come from bloggers like pusscat, but because of my friendship with her, i've done some research into the subject. it isn't just sex, it's a lifestyle. women who are into that don't just want to be controlled in the bedroom, they want to be controlled in their daily lives by a man who has allot of confidence and attentativeness to her needs, and knows how to forcefully tell her what to do without crossing the line of being condescending or treating her like she's an actual slave. not very many men can do this effectively for a long period of time because either they become a domineering asshole (opposite of 'respectful but in control') or they lose attentiveness after sex. think of it sort of like this...
   
  DISCLAIMER: this is in no way intended to be pedophalic, and to anyone who's living this lifestyle, it is not a slam, it's about the only way a non-dom/sub can understand or relate to this type of relationship...
   
  you are respectful and attentive to your daughter, and in nearly complete control of what she says and does, including punishing her when she goes against your rules. but you always do this with love, kindness and consideration, never selfishness or malice. most people, after adolescence, become independant and no longer want that type of control over their lives. subs, however, want to continue that type of lifestyle into their adulthood and with their partner, and gain great emotional and sexual excitement from being 'punished'. they also have great depression after these sessions from what is called 'sub-drop'.
   
  i would suggest that before you enter into this type of relationship, you do some research on the subject to see if this is really the lifestyle you want to live.

• Hegemone said on Jul 08, 2009....

  Well ... yeah take a look at Trav's comment, because I was thinking the same thing when I started reading this ... talk to pusscat about this, she'd definitely be able to fill you in.  I'm sure there are others around you could speak to as well, but for my own experience, when I got curious as to what it really was, after seing so many posts about it, I asked her and she was quite pleasant and very informative.  Do your homework on this one buddy, it's not something to toy around with for you or for her.

• sweetsoul said on Jul 08, 2009....

  There are a number of good books you can read if you want some more knowledge.
   
  SM101:A realistic introduction by Jay Wiseman
  The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton
  When Someone You Love is Kinky also by Dossie Easton
  Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Philip Miller
   
  The D/s of BDSM, or Domination/submission relate to a power exchange between the people involved. The submissive gives up power/control to the Dominant. What the control is given up over depends on the people involved. There are a number where it is only sexual, some it's service oriented, all the way up to total power exchange (TPE) 24/7. Often when you reach TPE 24/7 the participants will call themselves Master/slave (M/s) which is a subset of D/s.
   
  D/s does not need to, but may, be enjoyed with S/M (sadism/masochism). They are different things. All D/s relationships do not encompass S/M. A sadist gets pleasure from giving pain; a masochist enjoys receiving pain.  Pain when mixed with pleasure increases the endorphins. This isn't abuse as everything we're talking about here is consensual.
   
  From what you've said, I would guess that S is submissive sexually. How submissive she prefers to be is worth a discussion. This will give you an idea of what she requires from a partner.
   
  The main thing is to communicate... (You've heard that before, right)...and do some reading.
   
  What I love about D/s is that while conceptually it is the same (a power exchange entered into consensually) it can take many forms. All you need to do is find someone who has the opposite desires of yours.
   
  Good luck.
   
   
   

• bluegum said on Jul 08, 2009....

   Super you could be in for a thrill time with her ,anyhow have fun and learn lots ,keep big jim and the twins safe. lol blue.

• MsStar39 said on Jul 08, 2009....

  SB i have learned enough about it on here to know that it is not something I want, but
  it's nice for them that want that life style.
  
  

• WillsRose said on Jul 08, 2009....

  hmm... not too sure how welcome i am posting here but y'know, i always try to help wherever possible. anyway, nice to meet you, i'm a slave.
   
  the thing that she told you she was into is s&M- sadism/masochism. most famously, rough sex and bits of pain. she didn't explain about D/s- Dominance and submission- in saying that's what she wanted. So, she could only be into you taking charge in the bedroom, not telling her what clothes to wear and when to use the bathroom (extreme here i know, i'm making a point). The fact that it came up during the 'sex talk' phase might be a hint here, but you really have to talk to her more about it. The simple thing here is, if she's a submissive, she'll submit and do whatever you want (within limits). If she isn't, she'll follow your directions if they suit her and ignore others completely. So, you need to ask her what type of relationship she's after- just in the bedroom, submission, or something more serious? Of course, you can't be a Dominant if you don't like the idea of inflicting pain or having control over somebody else. it's a huge responsibility, and a lot of work, and some people just plain aren't Dominant to begin with. You shouldn't decide to be one just because of this girl- you'll end up resenting her later.
   
  Next, have a look at the type of things she's comfortable with doing as a 'sub' if she is one, and match them with things you'd like to do/try. http://www.vampirespet.com/ActivityChecklist.html is a good start, it's big and a bit scary so ignore most of the hardcore stuff for now.
   
  Mainly, you've got to talk to her (as everybody else has said) and just start off slowly. If you decide to pursue the relationship, i'd always be happy to help or answer questions wherever i can, and Master is available for Dom tips.
  Good luck and most importantly- have fun!
   
  rose xXx
   
   

• queenparanoia said on Jul 08, 2009....

  i think you'll get the help you need regarding about this here in soulcast... a lot of dom/sub relationships here... :-)

• scipio said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Keep the First Aid box ready on the safe side.

• pusscat said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hello there bozo.
  
  There probably isn't really much more I can add that hasn't already been said by my submissive friends above here.  I can't emphasise enough though the difference between kinky, agressive sex and Domination and submission (D/s) just as sweetsoul has said above.  Most of all you must speak in more detail about what it is exaclty that S wants.
  
  At the bottom of my comment I will put a link to a marvellous piece written for 'nice guys' who want to learn how to please their partner if she is requesting/wanting what S has asked you for.  After all, should the one you love, adore going to the beach, would you not take her to the beach to please her?  Should your loved one love a certain perfume, would that perfume not be the one you would buy her to please her?  Anything in life is the same.  If it something that pleases our loved one, it should at least be a priority to learn about it to see if it is indeed something we can offer them. 
  
  Don't be afraid to ask her questions either bozo my friend.  It is the only way any of us learn.  She will not be embarassed or laugh at any of your questions, she will be flattered and excited that you are at least taking an interest.  I will say this, it must have been very hard for her to admit to you in the first place her desires.  It isn't for us to do that.  D/s has had so much ridiculous negative press, people thinking it's all about whips and chains for goodness sakes, that to tell someone we are beginning to care about what we are is a huge leap of faith.  It is flattering actually bozo that she felt she was able to tell you this.
  
  This is the link to 'nice guys':     http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html
  
  This is a link to seekers.org, which is my favourite site that explains more or less everything about D/s.  Of course I realise she may just be into S/M in the bedroom but, if she is a submissive, this is a great site:  http://www.seekers.org.uk/home.htm
  
  The best of luck and take care
  
  ~peecee~
  
  PS - Trav  I will always remember that you took to the time to explore and read about these issues to help me.  A big hearted guy :-)
  

• seer said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hey, I used to do quite a lot of that.
   
  I'm not into that but I've been with a lot of girls who are, and if I'm with a girl who is into being dominated I will dominate, and if not, I won't. Its not a major thing for me. My advice to you is talk to her about your concerns.
   
  Just fuck your way a few times, get some trust, then build up gradually. Maybe do some doggy style and spank her, maybe tie her up and pin her down and be all butch over it. Don't go in for the whole rape-fantasy-role play straight away, you could scare yourself a little bit.
   
  One of my first S&M sessions was not very well planned rape role play, and even though I didn't go massively far, I did have a shower afterwards, and there was a moment of thinking about my girlfriend, in bed, who I'd just RAPED (concentually!!), and looking at the blood on my nostrils (mine) and thinking 'what have I become?!?!'. So build up gradually!
   
  And don't be scared! Lots of people do it, and it can be good fun.

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hi CW...We're still getting to know one another. We have known each other for a while as friends of friends and have started going out together recently. We talked more about it and us today. Time will tell.
   
  Hi Trav...Thanks for your input. We talked more today and I have a better understanding of how she thinks about this kind of relationship. I'm in no rush and think we need to know each other much better before we get serious.
   
  Hi Hege...Research it is. S was very informative today. I think she felt uncomfortable last night bringing it up but if we are to get involved she felt she needed to let me know up front.
   
  Hi Sweetsoul...Thank you for the books I will be looking them up. I'm a little more enlightened today about how S views this lifestyle. It's not TPE 24. S explained things a little more today. I'm still not sure exactly what it all means to be perfectly honest or if it's something I would desire but there is no harm in discussing things openly and honestly. Thanks for popping by.

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hi Blue...I'm very protective of my boys :)
   
  Hi Star...I will be taking things very slowly I think. We are in no rush. It's kinda refreshing to actually talk about expectations in advance of getting involved seriously.
   
  Hi WillsRose...Your more than welcome. Thank you for your input. We had a very good talk about things today over lunch. I'm sure I still have much to learn if things are to get serious on the dating front. I think that if we were to continue dating seriously and as trust builds it would grow to be more than just a bedroom thing. I think it'd be more of a sub/dom thing and not really an S&M thing the spanking being a light playful thing rather than a pleasure/pain thing. Thank you.
   
  Hi Queenie...It seems I will :)
   
  Hi Scipio...Always a good idea to have a first aid box handy :)

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hi Pusscat...How did you know I was a nice guy. Thanks for your input as well. Me and S have much talking to do. Not hard she is fun to talk to. We discussed things more over lunch today. She admitted how scared she was teling me but felt that honesty was best. She has suffered rejection before because of this. She didn't elaborate. Thanks for the links.
   
  Hi Seer...I'm not sure S is really into the S&M thing. I think that was my lack of knowledge as to what she meant last night. I got the impression more today that it would be more of a Dom/sub thing. We didn't really talk about rough sex at all. I'm not sure I know eveything yet. One thing at a time I guess.
   
  Hi CJ...I'm not taking it lightly at all. I am a little taken back by it. Mainly because it's never been an issue for me before. I have dated girls that liked it "rough" and like the guy to take charge in the bedroom I have just never thought of it as a lifestyle thing. More of a do it now and again thing. I'll look out for your PM Thanks.
   
  Thank you all for your advice her. I have no idea what the future holds for S and myself. I'll let you know if things progress. Thanks for stopping in. I was actually expecting to get some very judgemental posts and am happy to see that that isn't the case.

• pusscat said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Yeah - definitely one of the nice guys :-)  It is that very fear of rejection, yet she still spoke up, that made me think S is more than just a little fond of you :-)
  
  I have found everyone here to be very open minded and apart from the odd nutty anon and woomraider lol, have never really had any negative feedback on my posts, although I was a little suprised to find here that people think 'my kind' are over running and taking over SC.  I don't get that opinion on the other sites.  Best of luck to you.
  

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  CJ....I have done as you asked. Am about to PM you.

• gingersoul said on Jul 09, 2009....

  CJ.......yes, i was going to comment back to you that i don't think SC has been taken over by these kind of posts......
  
  I only noted how more often i happen to read them
  
  After all its in the free nature of SC allowing everybody to express their ideas. Even yours.
  
  Hope you stay.....:-).
  

• soaringraven said on Jul 09, 2009....

  I truly believe that in every relationship there is a dom/sub aspect, whether it is a same gender friendship, a love relationship between a man ans woman or a same gender love relationship for that matter.  One partner tends to be the 'dominate' partner in one or more aspects of the relationship.
   
  In my own life, with both my wives I find that I was by and large the submissive.  Not necessarily in the bedroom but in other aspects.   It was Edna for example who decided what I wore, both to the office and to social functions.  She went into my closet, picked out my cloths and I obligingly wore whatever she chose. 
   
  She decided what invitations we accepted and which we declined, where we went when we would go out together  etc. 
   
  As such when one says that they have had no experience with dom/sub they are mistaken whether they realise it or not.
   
  The difference between the 'dom/sub' subculture or lifestyle (whatever you choose to call it) and a 'normal' (whatever the hell that is) relationship is that the roles are enlarged to a great degree.  The dom may control every aspect of the sub's life as mentioned above or may only be interested in controlling certain aspects, most often the bedroom. 
   
  Also, not all doms are men, for every male com there is probably at least as many female doms.  I have an acquaintance who is a sub in a dom/sub, s/m relationship.  They've been together for nearly ten years and he can't imagine any other lifestyle.  I think he's nuts, but that's just one old fool's opinion.   I would have been carted away in a straight-jacket by now.
   
  Another thing, from reading around here and other places it has become my impression that in many cases the dom is in another relationship where he/she is the submissive partner.  I could be way out in left field on that one, it is simply an impression.
   
  Anyway, I doubt any of this helps you at all, but I have spoken my piece and now fully  intend to shut my bleeding trap.
   
  soaring
   

• MissMimi said on Jul 09, 2009....

  soaring, you've brought a voice of reason to this discussion, and I thank you for that.

  super, the question of what is a D/s relationship has about as many answers as there are people in that lifestyle.  Some are 24/7 and highly structured, some are not as ritualized and strict.  And D/s does not necessarily mean there are floggers and ropes involved.  And I will say this, there are many people who say they are into the Dom/sub lifestyle who have no idea what they are talking about.  Being a Dom is NOT a license to abuse someone.  The only way to educate yourself is to read, read, read.  sweetsoul gave you a list of excellent resources.

  And I just have to say, that dragging one's personal life into, and humiliating someone, in a public forum is classless and childish.

• cuppajava said on Jul 09, 2009....

  PC - i have just sent you a mail

• pusscat said on Jul 09, 2009....

  I have just replied to it

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Please do not be offended by my deleting of certain comments. I'm not offened or anything but consider you both to be friends and feel that you should be discussing this in private. I hope you understand. I am about to PM both of you. :)

• superbozo said on Jul 09, 2009....

  Hi Soaring...Thank you. I agree, I guess it is just something that I have never really had to consider before. What a d/s relationship is seems to have as any levels as any normal relationship (I agree how does anyone define normal) What this means for me and S I still don't know. I have much reading and talking to do with S. Which is kind of refreshing as relationships for me in the past have just happened and it is only later when the relationship starts to struggle that this sort of conversation has taken place. Which is probably why I'm single now LOL.
   
  Hi MissMimi... Thank you. I have much to learn. Thank you for your advice on this subject. I think your right relationships in general have many levels why should a relationship that is defined as d/s be any different.

• javadewd said on Jul 13, 2009....

  It's not for everybody. In college, I walked into a situation where the gal came back with leather and a whip. She obviously didn't know how to use it right, because after the third time she whacked the back of my hand with it I said, "I'm done" and walked out.
  
  The moral of the story here is, kids, that the submissive is the one in control. They are the ones who say, "stop."
  

• superbozo said on Jul 13, 2009....

  Hi Java...lol. What did she whip the first 2 times.
   
   

• javadewd said on Jul 13, 2009....

  The same spot... Told ya she didn't know how to use the darn thing!

• wolfafterurazz said on Jul 22, 2009....

  Smak her on the ass and tell her to sux ur dick and do it right or you'll stick it in her ass. that should do it buddy, that will be all the dominating she wants.~wolf~

• superbozo said on Jul 22, 2009....

  Hi Wolf...LOL....thats what I originally thought was involved but it seems it's far more complicated than that.

• wolfafterurazz said on Jul 23, 2009....

  Damn life is so complicated.............I'm so confused..........Wolf

• superbozo said on Jul 23, 2009....

  Wolf....if you find any answers let me know

• javadewd said on Jul 23, 2009....

  Those days are long gone, unfortunately. The wife doesn't don a whip... At least in the bedroom!

• stephy715 said on Jul 24, 2009....

  I am new to soulcast and to this lifestyle.  I have met a guy and he wants me to be his sub.  We have been together sexually before and he is definitely very dominant.  I have to admit, I am a little scared.  I have never done anything like this before and I don't really understand a lot about the d/s relationships.  I am scared but also a bit excited.  I'm just not sure if I could ever be totally submissive.  

• pusscat said on Jul 25, 2009....

  Hello stephy and a warm welcome to Soulcast and the lifestyle :-)
  
  It can all be a bit scary and daunting at first.  The thing to remember is submissive does not mean doormat.  You can say no to anything you want.  Communication is the key.  Your Dom will want you to tell him when you do or don't like something as it's the only way he will learn about you.  If he is a genuine Dom i.e. not a bully he will not push too hard at first but encourage you.  Never be afraid to ask questions of him or any of us here.  I always say there is no such thing as a dumb question :-)
  
  Read about the lifestyle too.  I learned so much from my fave website seekers (link at the bottom) where articles are all written by Doms, subs and Switches.  You never stop learning.  If you do a post here at all use the tag BDSM that way all my Dom and sub friends here will find you as it's a tag we all use regular.
  
  http://www.seekers.org.uk/home.htm   hold your curser over the menu on the left for the different subjects and there is a menu on the far right too.
  
  Take care
  
  ~peecee~
  

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