I still think it is possible that I will end up in the Crisis Stabilization Unit before I go out and get a job. I may sit there and actually not fake that I'm ok to get out. Maybe then I will get the help that I need. I'm mood swingin' like crazy. In the mornings I wake up feeling like I want to die even after I have worked on my self esteem during the evenings. It's terrible. Why do I continuously fall apart like this? I know there is alot going on here at home, but still............why can't I be stronger than this? I wish that I was invincible or something. I want to do well in life, yet my stupid fucking illness is fucking me right up my ass. I hate going on lock down. It sucks. If I'm suicidal again tomorrow morning, I'm going to the CSU. It's like a twisting agony in the pit of my stomach and soul. I just hope that everything will be ok someday. I feel so shitty. I want this to go away. Is death the only thing that will make it do so? If so, it doesn't seem fair. Other people can live their lives without having to kill themselves. Why the fuck should I have to do the suicide thing? I'm trying to reason with myself here. This is the last resort before ending up in the vile place. Why the fuck do I have to die? I know that I'm damaged goods, but if I will let myself mend, it might actually be worthwhile. This is not fake. This is some serious shit here. Why the hell do I keep wanting to kill me? Why can't I handle the things that are going on in my life? Am I so limited that I can't rise above the despair that has been caused in my life? I'm not Rick. He did what he did because he was weak. Even if it was partially my fault, so what? I don't go around jamming my dick in someone's ass after that person had said no to anal sex. He did it. Who's the better person? I don't care about the fact that he lost his way. He was a waste of air. Remember everything that dead ass caused in my life. Why the hell should I feel at all guilty? I did a spell. So what? It was his choice to deal with the shit that was coming his way, or not. I didn't kill him. I just pushed him over the edge a wee bit. No biggie. It's not like he didn't push me. I just got revenge. That's that. Right is right in this case and I ain't backing down for his spirit or anyone else's. I'm darker than light. That only means that I don't forgive people as easily as some, if at all. It should just prove that I am stronger than him. He went bye bye at 26. I'm 35. That proves I'm 9 years stronger than him so far. I stand for what I believe in. Bump the shitheads that want to rip it all away from me. I belong to me. I want to live so don't go making the mistake of taking our life just because you want to let their negativity strangle you. I don't want it to hurt me. I think alot of women would have done what I did to Rick if they believed and knew he deserved it. That bastard took my virginity with lies anyway. He didn't love me, not at all. I do. SEE THAT ALREADY HEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
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pusscat said on Jul 07, 2009....
I wish I could help you more hun I really do. There are a lot of things that make you better and stronger than the shitheads that have been in your life but one thing, to me, stands out more than most. It is your ability to reason with yourself with clear logic. You know to come here when you are unwell. You know to use the crisis centre when unwell. You know what you want from life and are so bloody determined to get it. So you should because you deserve it.
There is no law in any land that says we have to forgive everyone in our lives. Yes, there are many who preach about forgiveness, but it is often easier said than done. Only the said individual is responsible for taking their own life. You have nothing to feel guilty of at all hun. I know you don't want to be in the crisis unit but, as you say, for once, they may see how much you do need assistance, the right meds and the financial stability until you are back working.
All I can do right now babe is send as many positive thoughts to you as I can. Don't care what anyone says, when people here on SC have done that for me it really helps.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( H ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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UnicornForm said on Jul 07, 2009....
glad you got rid of the atrocity, he doesnt sound good for ya. YOU go girl, to me it sounds like your recovering well. ((HUG)) -
ABOVE_TOP_SECRET said on Jul 08, 2009....
Take a deep breath! Suicide is not a solution. Find a way to help others. This will lift your spirits! -
alabamagirl said on Jul 08, 2009....
Puss said everything I was thinking! You are stronger than you think. Nothing wrong with going to CSU from time to time. It may help to get you on a schedule and stabilized. Above had a good point too, helping others has helped to lift my spirits in the past. Maybe do things that you feel good about. Exercise, take a walk. Smile at a stranger to see if they will smile back. I don't know, just thinking here.
My thoughts are with you. Take care of you!
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darkerthanlight said on Jul 08, 2009....
Ya'll are so cool. Thanks for the feedback. I haven't gone to the CSU yet. I feel better after I posted this last post. Maybe I should post things in which I end up talking to myself more often. I know that suicide isn't the answer. That's why I got on my own case. I have had time to think about this. I still have some thoughts, but they are certainly better than what they were before I posted this last post. I'm going to get it right. I know that I have to do it soon. I gotta stop letting stupid shit discourage me. No matter how much they laugh and try to push me over the edge, there's a smart woman in here. They're just jealous because they are stupid. I can definetely see that ya'll are brilliant people who have shown great caring towards me. I really do appreciate it. I'm not just saying that either. -
UnicornForm said on Jul 08, 2009....
:) now dont tell no one that, because that would ruin my low standard policy. -
darkerthanlight said on Jul 12, 2009....
I won't.