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Day 1    Chapter 1

 

            I awoke that morning in a panic, glancing about the room. The bright sunlight streaming from the shaded window quickly dispelled the nightmarish faces that lingered from my unconscious mind. Ah… just another nightmare. Inkli rolled over to face me, resting her pale cheek on the blue satin pillow, her long brown hair, further cushioning her head. She gazed at me briefly, her eyes appearing to have a hard time adjusting to the unwelcome light. She had such beautiful eyes. A simple brown, but they held such emotion and warmth in them, that to me, they might as well have been pages in a book, open to those who could see.

“What time is it Tizzy?” This was her pet name for me, and she was the only one whom I would have allowed to address me as such.

“Couldn’t tell ya darlin, just go back to sleep ok? You need the sleep after last week.”

Her reply was muffled, sleepy, and mostly incomprehensible, but she rolled over, and was quickly asleep again.

            It was Saturday, and I had nowhere to be and was in no hurry to push anything onto my agenda that was not necessary. Inkli and I, lived on the fourth floor of a ten story, concept apartment. It was designed mostly as a huge art project. The architecture was completely sound, but also completely illogical. The building itself had been named, “The Maiden”, because of its shape; a smooth hourglass figure. Gazing upon its slender build and clever curves, one would be indeed likely to think of a finely built woman.

            Inkli, as you may have guessed, is my girlfriend. My fiancée actually, as I often forget to say. She is my everything. She is my best friend, my fiercest rival, my most devout fan, and when I need it, my most analytical critic. We had been living in this apartment for three years together, and I don’t believe I could have lived for three years together with anyone else in the world but her.

            Her name was rightly recorded as “Holli”, but amongst our own communications, I affectionately called her, “Inkli”. The name had no reference or inference. In our very first contact, I had been trying to send her a text message. My dictionary however, did not recognize “Holli” as a word, and instead suggested, “Inkli”. It stuck I guess. Inkli, like myself, was a lone wolf, and as such, we understood each other. She preferred the sanctity of her own mind, as I did. This allowed us a deeper understanding, and also allowed us to recognize when the other needed to be left alone.



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  • soaringraven said on Jul 06, 2009....
    A very satisfactory beginning.  By satisfactory I mean that it sparked my interest, gave me questions which may or may not ever be answered and provided a clear image of the immediate surroundings.  At least clear enough for me to visualise the setting.  You did all this without spending a lot of words, giving me too much early information or driving a wedge between the reader and your lead character. 
     
    I couldn't tell you how many times I have decided to dislike the lead character before finishing the opening paragraph only to discover later on that I was supposed to identify and sympathise with him.
     
    soaring
     
  • Balefish said on Jul 06, 2009....
    Im glad you liked it :)

    I like hearing from you. Your comments are always flattering, and more importantly, bring things to me, that you , as a reader, have noticed. which allows me to see more clearly, what needs to be most worked on.

    But dont forget to mention bad things too, or suggest things. That is why I post.

    If you truly have no qualms with my writing, then I am truly a blessed writer indeed, and should shortly be winning the Nobel.
  • soaringraven said on Jul 06, 2009....
    About two hours ago I typed out a rather lengthy response to your last comment only to lose my connection as I went to submit it.   This has been an ongoing issue with me for some time, perhaps I ought to have my wireless router checked.
     
    At any rate I thought I might give it another go.
     
    I sometimes preview fictional pieces for a publisher acquaintance.  Usually of the fantasy/adventure genre, but sometimes others as well.  Over the years I have read some extremely poorly written stuff, but my purview has always been, is the story workable and does it flow.  I seldom make comments pertaining to style or structure and less often about grammar, spelling and such.   When I see a piece it is in reality in its early stages.  An early draft submitted often before it is ready to be read and certainly not ready to see ink.
     
    If it is criticism you desire I can certainly provide it, but would be most uncomfortable doing so.  What I have read so far, your character outlines not withstanding, are certainly workable and they do flow naturally.   Admittedly I have not had the opportunity to read a great deal of your stuff, only what has been posted here.   As to your outlines, they are never meant to be read in reality, they are simply a tool for you, the writer.  It is interesting to observe, however, the thought processes involved in one's character development.
     
    One thing you must understand is that what I have read, especially of this particular story, falls largely under the heading of 'first draft'  or at least 'early draft'
    AS such you are presenting your story rather much as you are thinking and not concerned overmuch with style, form or structure.  That all comes later in future revisions and rewrites.  As such any suggestions as to changes might be much like my suggesting that you switch to silk boxers as I find cotton stiff and uncomfortable.   At this point you don't really give a damn what I think about underwear. 
     
    I will say a few things, if they help at all fine, if not then at least they won't hurt.  Watch your tense changes, you have a tendency to randomly switch tenses.   This is not unusual in early drafts for the reasons already mentioned.
     
    repeated words, redundancy  In the passage telling that Tinsdale and Inkli had lived 'together' for three years, followed immediately by the 'I don't think I could have' line where you once again used the word together.  The second instance is not necessary and sort of sticks.  Once again not a big deal, something you would have undoubtedly caught in a future reading and thought "This sounds kinda clunky"
     
    Well I hope this has helped in some small way.
     
    soaring
     
     
     
     
     
     
  • Balefish said on Jul 06, 2009....
    ugh.... I had been noticing that Id been doing tense switches somewhat often.. but... I cant think of how to write it out any other way... it is written sort of.... as though telling it as the past, but also flashing into his own mind in the present.... He is sort of ...omnichronical...

    Ugh.. I have trouble with it.
  • llys_don said on Jul 07, 2009....
    i didn't find the tense changes unnatural at all.  "omnichronical"  works just fine for me. sort of like the present being the future though it's the present, but not really.  and the past is generally referenced in present dealings anyway.  it flowed.
  • llys_don said on Jul 07, 2009....

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