shelley had a special secret day planned for us for july 4th. she didn't want to tell me in advance. okay. it turned out to be going to monmouth racetrack by train with her girlfriend beverly. hmm. well that's something she likes to do but i don't really like the track anymore, but ok.

there was a time, when i lived in brooklyn, when i got kind of hooked on gambling at aqueduct and belmont. i'd sometimes take off from work and go to the track instead, determined to make at least 50 bucks, and i'd analyze the racing form, come up with my favorites, and try to just make 50 bucks on the first race. bet enough to do it. if my horse won, i'd go home. if not, i'd try to make up what i lost plus 50 bucks on the second race. i pretty much succeeded, most of the time. i'd pick a winner pretty early and go home with my profit. it was just a game i was playing, can't make a living that way, but i got caught up in it.

sometimes i bet over a hundred on a race. i think my biggest bet was about 500. i always bet to win. never to place or show, never an exacta or quinella or daily double.

i bet a few hundred on a filly named ruffian to beat foolish pleasure in a match race, just the two of them. in match races, so i'm told, the horse that takes the early lead always wins. nobody ever comes from behind in a match race. (who the hell knows, that's what i was told anyway.) ruffian took a commanding early lead, fell down, was put into a truck and was shot to death. the end.

i think my biggest bet was on an overwhelming favorite. there was a mare named life's magic. it was paired with another great mare, i forgot her name. they even threw in a third mare. three for the price of one. i bet the rent. i really liked the first two. they both lost. it was the third one that won the race, saving me from losing all my money. the odds were miniscule, like 1-5 or something. it was a stupid little race and it proved to me that i didn't know shit about horse racing. by rights i should have lost the bet.

i decided to bring twenty dollars to the track when i go, just bet two dollars a race, and fuck it, because i suck. why start thinking i can analyze horses? stupid damn sport. fun when you win, sucks when you lose.

once we went to new england and saw scrimshaw in a museum. scrimshaw is art done by whalers, something like that. anyway we got home, went to the track, and there was a horse named scrimshaw running in a steeplechase. i didn't bet it. why bet just on a name? that's ridiculous. what is this, magic? what does the name have to do with anything? so anyway scrimshaw not only won the race, it set a track record that stood for a long time, and for years in the racing form scrimshaw was listed as the fastest time on that track in that type of race. fuck it.

my wife bets solely on the name. she usually bets to show. she loves to collect 2.60. she does pretty good.

so off we went for our trip to monmouth racetrack by train with shelley and her friend beverly. i made the tragic mistake at newark station of buying a meatball hero. never do that at a sandwich shop. at a pizza place, maybe, but not at a sandwich shop. this is not subway's five dollar footlong. this is a sandwich shop that doesn't know how to prepare a meatball hero. i ended up with a scary bellyache on a crowded train, not knowing when my stop would come up, sitting in their little bathroom, not knowing if i could find shelley and beverly again on the train, not knowing if i'd be done in there by the time we reached monmouth park, really pretty scary. i hate bellyaches.

well, it all turned out okay and we were at the track getting sunburned outdoors. first race, i liked this one horse and bet it to win. it finished third. second race, i liked this one horse and bet it to show. it won. fuck. since it paid four dollars to show, i decided to pick two horses in the third race, sick of betting to show, just to win, thinking that one of my two has to win. nope, they didn't.

so you see, i'm fishing around for a system that i'd be happy with. since two longshots came in, in the first and third races, i figured maybe my system would be to look for bargains. compare the odds in the program to the ever changing odds on the tote board. wait until there's only 5 minutes to post time, pick a bargain or two, and rake in the dough.

nope, no more winning bargains. from then on, the winners were horses that went off on lower odds than were listed in the program. so i'm on a losing streak.

then i decided to try another system. just pick a name i connected with. there was a horse named silver king. i connected with that, because i had made up a baseball game that included players from the 1800s, and one of my players was st. louis pitcher silver king. so this horse is speaking directly to me. most baseball fans never even heard of silver king. do i even have to state the obvious? i bet on silver king to win. i think it finished second, after leading most of the way. it was 5-1. so my payoff, which you don't need a calculator, sliderule or computer to figure out, was nothing.

finally i settled on a system i was satisfied with. completely sick of losing, my system was to read a book, period. just sit outside, enjoy the weather around me, and read a book. that turned out to be a very profitable system for me, because the horses i picked on the rest of the card all lost. beverly wanted me to get involved in a pick four, picking the winners of the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th races, with a guaranteed payoff of two zillion dollars. well, my pick in the 7th lost, so i was glad i didn't do it. my picks in the other races lost too.

meanwhile shelley and beverly were winning like crazy. shelley hit a payoff of over 10-1. beverly was hot as a candle. and i was reading my sci fi book. the two of them were like kids in a candy store. shelley liked the name lauro for a horse. who the hell knows why. naturally it came in the money and paid over 7 dollars to show. beverly had precious princess to win, and at one point the horse led by 20 lengths. it was like secretariat at the belmont, and the owner or trainer said they may put it in the jockey club races that are coming up soon, the million dollar races. it was like watching your team win a baseball game 25-2.

on the way home by train, at newark station, i got a big chunk of barbecued chicken. that turned out to be a very wise investment, best decision i made all day.