What I need from Daddy in order for me to do this:
- Encouragement/Accountability.
I need Daddy to ask me every day if I am doing what I am supposed to do. I need Daddy to check up on me and tell me no or to put some back or whatnot when I get my food. He made the rules; I need Him to be responsible for making sure I follow them so that I succeed.
When daddy doesn’t do these things I feel like I am a burden to Him. I struggle with a lot of self worth issues, not because I think God made me wrong or anything, but because I feel like I will never be able to do anything to make me worthy of real love. I know in my heart that Daddy loves me, but my head argues a lot and I NEED good arguments to combat the lies. When daddy makes rules, but doesn’t check up on me or anything, I feel like Daddy doesn’t really want me and that He’s just stuck with me and I am a burden.
- Discipline.
As hard as it may be for Him, I need Daddy to discipline me if I don’t do as I am supposed to. If I eat junk food or whatnot I need Him to actually show me He cares by punishing me for breaking the rules and letting Him down. It’s ok for Daddy to be disappointed in me if I have done something wrong. When He doesn’t discipline me and I know I have not lived up to His hopes for me I feel like I need to make up for it myself, but because I don’t know what will make up for it I keep trying and feel like I am a failure and can’t please Him. Then I eat A LOT of bad things to hurt myself because I am a bad person.
The most profound moment of love I have ever felt from Daddy was when He spanked me for moving the book shelf when I had hurt my wrist. I could tell that He was upset because I was hurting myself and I knew He loved me. When I overeat and gain weight it hurts my body and is dangerous for my heart, if He doesn’t care about that I might as well not be here. I honestly feel like He would be better off if I was dead so that He wasn’t burdened with the weight of having to take care of me anymore.
- I need Daddy to take care of Himself too;
When I am taking care of myself and eating as I should and Daddy eats junk food and stays on the couch a lot, I get scared. I am afraid that He will leave me and I will be alone. I don’t want to be healthy and strong if He is not here with me. I would rather die with Him. Stupid and adolescent, but true. I can not breathe when I think about losing my daddy. I can’t think straight. It can’t happen.
- I need daddy to pick the rewards.
I don’t care what they are. They could be a card, a lollipop, a coloring book and pencils, a trip to the park. These are all good ideas for rewards for me, but I need Him to pick because I want to know that he WANTS to reward me. Kind of like Him checking up on me and disciplining me; If He doesn’t do it I feel like a burden. I feel like He doesn’t really care if I lose weight or get healthy. He could do anything He wants and call it a reward and I would be happy. Honestly if He told me I was going to give Him a sponge bath and suck His dick as a reward for being a good girl and sticking to my diet I would be thrilled. As long as I knew that He actually WAS proud of me. I need the positive and negative reinforcements.
I know it sounds like a terribly long list of demands. I’m sorry. I want Daddy to know that some things have happened that have pretty much shattered my self image and self esteem. I second guess everything now. I never think I am good enough. I keep thinking that the next thing I am going to do is going to be the one that will make You leave or find someone else. And it’s not that I think losing weight or being pretty will make You stay with me; it’s the process of learning to trust You and having stepping stones to walk on when those thoughts come in and flood my mind and try to convince me that You don’t really want me and all of that. Please consider it Daddy. I’m not trying to bargain or negotiate, I just want You to know how I feel and what I believe I need from You.
In love, Your Kitten
