WHAT TO DO I WANT?
For most of you, this is a very easy
question. One of the easiest you may ever have the good
pleasure to answer. But for me? Personally? This
has always been the most difficult question.
Although
not in a spiritual sense. That part of life is the easiest part
for me. My spiritual life seems to have existed long before I
was ever born. I am grounded from the head up, rather than from
the feet down...as others are. So, clarity or awareness of my
spiritual Desire, is not my struggle.
Nor do I struggle
with my desires in my family life. Those closest to me know
that question: "What do you want?" is also simple and
secure for me to answer, on any given day. I love my little
family. I love being a wife and mother and these roles are also
at the very core of "who I am".
No, my
struggle is much more mundane and earthy. Often I have let it
ground me from the flight I should truly take. Whose fault is
that? Only mine. Only mine.
My university mentor
warned me about this many years ago. He said that while most
people are trying to find their "niche", something that
they are really good at, that also brings them great
satisfaction...he said that my struggle would be different. He
was right. Could he have been a prophet? ; )
He said
that my struggle would not be finding what I was good at...but, in
determining what it is that I want. He said that I would be
good at just about anything I did. That is part of my nature.
Part of who I am. He also said that I have a strong sense of
duty and a keen awareness of what needs to be done. Moreover,
he and others at university told me that my passion was a good thing,
but that I could be manipulated, or at least "used".
They were all right. Even my mentor used that
key phrase that always, used to, work on me! "Lisa,
you are the only one that can do this." Wow. What a
responsibility bomb. OUCH!
I have been in business and
consulting. I have worked in non-profits with lots of fancy
titles and yet I have seen little "profit" for it. :
) I volunteered in politics, did some acting, some writing, had
two radio shows, started to get my Master's and PhD (another lofty
possibility) and was told to offer my mind to work in Think
Tanks!
Posh.
So, here I am...still struggling with my
right to have desires. My own personal desires. Oh, I
have them. And they might surprise you. But I have only
recently been reviving them...or resurrecting them. I have been
"delighting myself in the Lord" for a long time now.
He has greatly desired to bless me. I have prayed prayers that
only He could have revealed to me...yet, it was never Him that held
me back. It was only me.
The Bible verse that used to
haunt me, now leads me and lights my fires. The fires that I
once feared. That my own passionate nature would consume not
only me, but everyone around me. Hey, I tell others to "fear
not", right? He actually told me that there must be an
"absence of fear". We don't deal with fears....face
our fears...etc. He told me that we must get to where it
doesn't even occur to us. An absence of fear.
Well, I
think I am there.
You get to see my self-talk
tonight:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give
you the desires of your heart" Truthsayer. You understand the
"delight", now, trust Him the rest. He gave them to
you. You were too little to think of them and have faith for
them, on your own. Now, you have a cause. "He will
make your righteousness shine like the dawn", your Sunset-Dawn,
"the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
All
of those verses are from the 37th Psalm, if anyone is interested.
If anyone reads this, thanks. Thank you for sharing my little
epiphany with me. Call me Tirzah.
Delightsomeness!
June 30, 2009, copyright, Truthsayer
