I am still here...

 

I am amazed at the woman I am today- seeing all that I have endured and yet I am still here.

Thank you Jesus.

 

I wanted to thank all of the many people here on soulcast for their encouraging words and prayers.  My family has survived, and we continue to pick up another piece of our life lost and push forward.

 

My computer lay broken and full of viruses for a few months.  I finally invested the money to get back online and it feels so good.  The odd part of it all is the first anniversary of my husband's death is July 1st.  Maybe my subconcious knew I would need this outlet to deal with that.

 

For those who may have wondered what happened to my family, here is an update...

 

We continue to take one day at a time, together.  We have all began to get back on track with life and live for today, realizing that tomorrow is never promised.  My children still share their memories of their dad, only now without the tears.  Their tears have been replaced of smiles as they think back to the times when dad was here.  Only my youngest son still has his crying spells, which I can end by holding him and letting him know I understand.  Sometimes I cry with him and it's okay.

 

My daughter made straight A's a total of 3 quarters- what a trooper she has been.  She continues to be my strength, and I thank God for that.  My youngest son was held back in the second grade.  He has yet to overcome his greif completely, but he is trying his best.  The oldest passed by the skin of his teeth.  We are working on his "I don't care" attitude, but I attribute that to becoming a teenager moreso than grief.  And my middle son...  He deserves his very own blog.  His grief turned into anger at the world.  Thankfully he passed as well, but his behavior was more an issue than his academics.  We just take it all a day at a time and alot of prayer has carried us all this far.

 

My spiritual healing has come a long way.  I talk to my husband less and to God more now- as it should be.  I have worked hard to understand what has happened in my life this past year but I just thank God for getting us through it.  He has showered blessings on us big and small that I couldn't list them all.  The good thing about it is that I finally realize it, and have stopped taking soo many things for granted.

 

I am still angry at times.  My friends jokingly call me the "b" word but I am a work in progress.  

 

I was lonely for a long time- nine months- before I allowed anyone in my space.  I actually didn't have a choice in the matter.  After a few weekends "out with the girls"  my best friend decided to encourage someone to approach me.  I was completely unapproachable but somehow he was able to get a few words out of me.  Needless to say, we have been dating for 2 months now and it feels a whole lot better than being alone.

 

He is so understanding of my moods and supportive while I am grieving.  It has also taken alot of weight off of my friends shoulders who have been supporting me emotionally this past year. 

 

Tomorrow is going to be hard, but I am ready and willing to face it.  I have come this far, and there is no reason to turn back now...