that's terribly messed up. i'm breathing.
i'm not crying.
i'm not panicking
i'm alright.
and i've just massacred someone i deeply care about.
the pain was there, it was real.
i can remember it....not at the strength it was.....
but i was so angry with him.....and now i'm not.
just like that......
not sure how that happens....but letting it all out in a blog
REALLY helps.....just how come i never remember to do it until i'm past the breaking point.
when i've already broken and need it to heal
instead of doing it after all the damage has been inflicted on another person.
the person as i have said that i care more about than anything else in the world.
i could bring up to him right now.....you know...all you have to do is hold me.....
and then all the old arguments will come out.....
and i'll hurt again......
and scream again
and cry again
bawl my eyes out again.
feel like chopping off my own head again.

the imagery on that one is so real. *sigh*

if i could have three wishes........screw money.
1. to be completely mentally and physically healthy
2. to heal the hurt i've caused other people including my own children and their father especially
3....who cares. that is all i'd need.

now it's all just a dull ache.
knowing i just did something horrible.
not knowing how to fix it.
knowing it WILL come back.
and no matter how i feel now.
at the time i very likely will not be able to control it.
when it happens i feel so justified in the anger, in the emotion
in the hurting.
and then afterwards, all i feel is guilt.
i feel calmer now.
but sick to my stomach,
knowing i've pushed him a little further away,
because i couldn't control myself.
the endless pattern.
the endless loop

i don't know who he's talking to on the phone right now
but it is a girl.
and the only girls that call him are interested.
there is no reason whatsoever that he shouldn't choose one of them over me.
at least they don't hurt him.
no matter how sexy, smart, fun, cool, incredible i CAN be.
i still hurt him...and usually out of the blue.....over some small slight.
usually misperceived slight.
and i FUCKING HATE THIS>
*sigh*


anyway, tha'ts probably it for tonight,
but possibly not.

we'll see.