but i am,
and it hurts.
the emotions come on SOOO strong
and i end up hurting other people with them
because i can't see why they don't understand.,
why they don't care.
it hurts SOOOO fucking much,
and that's just an understatement.
it hurts to the point i wish fervently that i could cut off my own head to keep from feeling.
all because of a little comment.
a little misunderstanding even.
my soul is being ripped apart
and all he can say is "control yourself"
well, i'm fucking trying!

i am trying. i just want to scream it.
how unfair this is.
scream it to the world.
i can't have the love, understanding, and support and caring from the person i love because i have this damn mental illness and it is SOOOOOOOOO fucking unfair.
god damn unfair.
he'll be with someone else because i can't control my emotions
and i can't control my emotions because of my own fucking head and how messed up it is
and then that makes it hurt even more.
and then it's even harder to control.
and then i start wanting to kill myself.
and i don't WANT to die....i want to LIVE.....
i just want to escape these feelings.
that i'm so unlovable. because of this thing.
this thing that i am.

an emotional monster inside.
a big overgrown fucking baby.
and i don't know how to grow up.
it hurts so fucking much.

to know. that i can't have you to myself.
because i hurt you.
and you go to other people that don't hurt you.
i wish like HELL that i didn't hurt you.

i don't want to hurt you.
i so badly don't want to hurt you.
and i do, over and over again.
and the harder i try not to
the more stifled i feel
then the more i hurt you .
and on and on
continuous loop.

and it sucks.,


THIS SUCKS.
THIS SUCKS
no matter how many times i say it
it just isn't strong enough to express the depth of hurt.
i can't express it.
it's more than my words can bear.

hopefully i'm done crying.
you're hurt, so i can expect no comfort there.
i wish i could.
i'm hurting, i need comfort. need it with the depth of my being...
but it never comes from you.
never from you.
the person i love with my whole soul....
never from you.
i know you care about me........but you are only human
humans aren't built to deal with this.
not as often as it happens.

am i done? did this help?
i don't know.......
will i stop crying soon?
i really hope so....
you can't deal with me till i'm through.
no one knows how often i try so hard to stop crying.
put on the happy face,
deal with it.
try not to hurt.
try so fucking hard not to hurt

i found my DBT book today, maybe i will look through there and do the worksheets or something.
maybe i can find something that will help me.
i hope so, i don't know.
i just really hope so.