Cocaine. Coke. Yay. Snow. I would think of more names but at this point I haven't slept in two days and I'm disappointed in myself....once again. I promise myself that each time will be my last time. And then tomorrow rolls around. And it begins again. I remember when I used to do it occasionally for a thrill....a fun high. I just can't remember when it turned into this. This being: eleven days clean....the longest I've gone so far without this ugly dirty thing, followed by a overwhelming binge. Apathy about everything. Finding myself in places I don't want to be. Being with people I shouldn't be with. Lying to friends to cover my tracks. Telling them that I WANT to quit. That I DID quit. Avoiding friends. Making new "friends." But mostly, just sadness. Because it's not suppose to be like this. Because I'm not suppose to dread the daylight....it stings my eyes. Because I'm suppose to be able to put a spoonful of food into my mouth without feeling an overwhelming urge to wretch. Because I'm suppose to care about things. Because it shouldn't take all my energy to take a simple shower when I'm crashing. Covered with filth and sweat and everything else that dirty and degrading. It's such a vicious cycle.
SincereSin posted on May 13, 2006
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Comments
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MoneyAlone said on May 13, 2006....
Everyone has a vice. You just need to fight your demons. I know it's easier said then done. g'luck. -
Sephi said on May 23, 2006....
Maybe you already know but in case you don't NA is a good place to start to recover from drug addiction. I am so sorry that you find yourself unable to do what it is that you really want to do. When you hit rock bottom, your real rock bottom you can then decide, enough, and start a new life. I wish you the best that life has to offer, you deserve it. Sephi -
the_wanderer said on May 24, 2006....
Hello, darkness, my old friend...It's a terrible place being out there on your own...With just the darkness inside you...But you have to keep trying...Everyone has their demons...Just when we think you have managed to escape from them, they're back...Maybe we'll never be free...But we have to try...It's our life...It's our death...I too, have my demons...And they haunt me each day...But just try...Try to change something...Even if they're still grinning, knowing that our souls are in their claws... -
RobsStuff said on Jun 27, 2006....
Well the choice is real easy: 1. Stop doing drugs 2. Keep doing drugs The only person who can make that choice is you. There are many charities and re-habs who will help you if you decide to stop. The hardest part is being honest. First with yourself and then with those around you. Which ever choice you make there will be consequences... Good luck, Ciao, Rob P.S. Read my post about drugs, it can be done -
Root said on Aug 12, 2006....
It's an interesting shift when you go from thinking about the purity of your substance of choice, to the purity of your body. It's your vehicle. It's your patch of Earth. Everything you do with it is o.k., as long as you don't hurt another. I love you, I'm sorry you're shovelling snow like you're in Buffalo. I'm sorry. -
Jay141 said on Nov 27, 2006....
FunnY- how I Came across this blog, because I was feeling the same way yesterday. I was actually on that for a whole week, and I promised myself each night that It was going to be the last one.... but I dont know what it is... its like it makes you want more and more, and then it makes you feel as if you have all the power, and you become more confident than ever. Im in the same plate as you... I use to do it for a thrill...... but I need to stop... I swore I wouldnt touch it for a while... the mind can really fuck you over..... its like the HIGH V. YOUR LIFE...... think about it..... I got some sleep last night after a week! (I ran out.... and I am glad) -
x0_gemini_0x said on Nov 02, 2007....
DON'T WORRY just find a reason to not do it~ i was there. for over a year. i still do it every once in a while but not every single day. the most i realized i was doing was over an 8ball a day alone. but i've managed to stop and control my craving without rehab...so if i can do it...so can u...cuz i was actually dating a colombian coke dealer...just imagine~ be positive...surround urself with things other than ur little white friend~
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