Why is that when I'm drinking... I suddenly remember and miss my father sooooo much?? It's really fucked up. I've tried to be so strong for everyone around me and not to be weak. I remember my mother telling me that only weak people cry. I'll never forget that or the rest of the shit that woman said to me over the years.. and now that she's dying. now all of a sudden she's trying to act like mother of the year.. I can't bring myself to forget or to even forgive the things she's said to me over the years... Maybe if I tell you alittle about her you can understand alittle better.. She has always had her favorite. which wasn't me... or my kids for that matter.. I remember being younger and I was over weight and she would call me names.. she would call me a pig and make animal noises whenever I tried to eat.. I understand that in her mind she was trying to make me loose weight.. but God does she know what she's done me?? When I was 17 I had sex for the first time. I was damn near 18 at the time. Most of the girls I knew from school had been having sex since they were like 13 or 14... But I waited till I thought I was "in Love"... And for  years I thought I loved this man.. who turned out to be a waste I have to tell you.. The only thing this man ever gave me was the sperm to produce my kid. who I wouldn't trade for anything... But him.. ya, I could put a bullet in his head and bury him in the woods and it would never bother me again I gotta tell ya... I honestly hate this "man" for what he's done to my kid.. He hates him too now.. He's told me several times that if he ever decides to come along and suddenly want something to do with him that he's gonna teach him a lesson.. The kid is so angry with this guy.. I'm afraid that one day he is gonna beat this guy till he's nothing but a bloody pulp.. But I guess I'm getting off the subject here huh? What was the subject again?? Oh ya....Mother... I remember her always calling me names.. When she found out that me and earl were having sex she called me a whore, slut, bitch... never once sat me down to explain anything... just called me names.. I'll never forget that. My father loved her more than anything.. I never understood that either.. All she ever did was lie to the man. She lied and said that her kid liz might belong to him. the time line doesn't add up.. the December before he died he told me this shit.. I tried to tell him about how much of a liar this woman is, but he was blinded by love so of course he never saw it. He loved her till the bitter end.. Do you know that still to this day I have problems when it comes to eating? I swear to you I still hear her voice echoing in my head calling me names... It haunts me... LOL I know I have some serious issues.. I swear  I need a shrink... or maybe some Lithium.. I don't know but this is all too much for tonight.. I'm too emotional.. The thought of my father who was like a god to me... and now that he's gone.. It cuts right through me like a knife. Or maybe more than a knife... It's been alittle over two years and it still kills me to think of him.  I have to go now... I can't take much more tonight. Thanks for listening and Some words of encouragement would be nice. Thanks again.