• pusscat said on Jun 25, 2009....

  Hello and welcome subo9 :-)
  
  One of the D/s website that I always mention to new Doms and subs in seekers.com.  There are some marvellous pieces written by Doms and subs that can be a great help.  The main menu appears on the left when the curser is held over it then way over on the right is the sub menu.   It may be worth you having a look.
  
  http://www.seekers.org.uk/home.htm
  
  I wish you all the best with your next meeting with your Sir :-)
  
  pc
  

• WillsRose said on Jun 27, 2009....

  welcome to Soulcast dearest, it's lovely to meet you.

  although i have never experienced long term online or distanced D/s, i'm always here if you should have any questions about real life submission when He finally visits.

  i love that you're so obviously interested and passionate about your journey into submission. believe it or not that is what will set you so far above the others. not enough subs are actually interested in what they do. your passion will motivate you to learn, grow, and become so much of a better sub for your Sir than if you merely waited for an instruction.

  it is frightening sometimes, wondering if you'll be able to please Him when the time comes, but the important thing is to let the moment take you over, trust that He knows what He's doing and wants the best for you, and to follow His lead. embracing submission fully is something that's hard to do but so worth it when you get there.

  again, a warm welcome to soulcast and the Lifestyle from Master and myself. if there's anything i can do please don't hesitate to ask.

   

  Will's r

  xXx

• Girlygirl said on Jun 28, 2009....

  Welcome to soulcast my dear,

   

    I"m pretty new to the whole D/s thing myself..well Sir and I have been in it a number of months. It really is wonderful. I can sympathize with your missing your Master...I miss mine on regular occasion and he isn't even that far from me..just not always available to me.

  Everyone here is super supportive and helpful. Two of my favorite girls have already posted on here..believe me they are full of valuable information. This site is how I learned all about D/s and satisfied my curiousity lol. So again welcome and I look forward to reading your journey with your Master..----Girly

• subo9 said on Jun 30, 2009....

  Thank you all, it's so lovely to be welcomed so wholeheartedly.

  I have so many questions in my head all the time, and I can't bombard my Sir with them. My long rambling emails to Him are bad enough, I'm so needy and always seeking reassurance. I worry so much that I'll do the wrong thind, and I do. Yesterday I stupidly lied to Him in an email and He caught me out. I acted out of fear as I always have done, I don't know any ther way. I will never ever do that again. I have to face harsh consequences when I see him in two weeks, and it's only for a night, so I felt I ruined everything, that our time would be taken up with punishment and then He'll be gone again.

  I was distraught last night and most of today, waiting to hear a word from Him. I have heard and He has reassured me somewhat. I feel like this is the way it will be, I will constantly mess up because I don't know what i'm supposed to do/not do and the few times I see him a year won't be happy occasions.

  I'm finding it so hard having mostly just email contact. I havent spoken with him in 5 days and it's painful. I can't ever call him, not even in an emergency. I don't even have his cell number. His emails are short, maybe a few a day, then at weekends less.

  Can I ask something..I know I have to be totally honest and open with him at all times, does this mean nothing of mine can be private, that he must read all my emails to friends if he chooses, examine my laptop to see how I spend my time on it (I've read some slaves have spyware installed by their Masters) I just want to know so I never make mistakes unknowingly. He has not yet mentioned any of this. I havent had much training or direction as He is very busy.

  Thanks so much, it's great to talk to you.

• DaddysLittleSlut said on Jul 01, 2009....

  Hi Subo9,
  Welcome to Soulcast and i hope all is well in the lifestyle for you but just a few words of caution since a red flag keeps popping up in my brain... my mood maybe. Please forgive me if i'm off base.  Here goes
   
  In a long distance relationship be sure that this man has your best interest at heart.  He has his priorities and you are not first.  He will not be with you night and day to take care of your daily needs and emergencies.  Have the two of you discussed your future?  Will you and are you able to date others?  Will you have the opportunity to have an intimate relationship such as a marriage if you ever so desire?
   
  Next... You have to decide how much control you will give him.  He cannot and should not ever tell you that you must give total control.  Control is a gift from you.
   
  Checklists and Safewords...  have you discussed these.  A checklist is a list of activities that you are either interested, experienced, or not interested in participating, viewing, or discussing.  He should ask you for yours.
  A safeword is a word that you can use during play that lets him know that you need to stop.. you might have a rope pinching your arm and its no longer pleasurable..you might just be scared.. its your right to say no at any time.  Submission does not give him permission to be a rapist.
   
  Trust.. you must be able to trust that he knows what he's doing and that he will always do what is best for you as well.
   
  Once the rules are in place D/s relationships are heaven.. at least in my opinion.  I hope your guy has guided you to this information.  You might want to see the Dominants Creed somewhere on my page.. I believe there is a link to the Sub's creed too... i'd have to check but i'm sure one of my fellow subs here can help with that.
   
  Have fun Subo9 and feel free to ask anything anytime.
  Dls

• pusscat said on Jul 01, 2009....

  Wonderful, wonderful advice as always DLS :-)

• subo9 said on Jul 01, 2009....

  Thanks so much Dls, as pusscat says, wonderful advice, you've given me a lot to think about.
  To answer your questions, no, we have not discussed my future. I have only been with him once as a sub, the previous times were vanilla, but tending towards D/s, and it was talked about - he asked me if I knew anything about it and I knew a little, I asked him how far did he go and he outlined what he likes which is nothing extreme, no cutting or flogging. At our first real session he never did anything I couldnt handle, though we have not discussed a safeword. He didn't bring it up and I didnt know there was such a thing until I read about it. I will ask him about it when I see him.
   
  So the next time I see him, Sunday week, just for a day and night because he's travelling, will only be our second time like this. I have told him I have a million questions, these ones you ask are some of them, especially about the future. Its going to be very lonely when I wont see him for 6 months in the winter...how can he expect me not to even go on dates, just for company, not even to sleep with others. He says he wants me to have a full happy life, but how can I do that when I'm pining for him?
  He has told me that he demands complete sexual control, so I see the safeword could be very important, especially now we're going to try some bondage next time, so I will be helpless. You say he cant demand it, but how can I refuse him? I thought a slave gave up all rights and entitlements you would have in an ordinary relationship.
  Today I expressed in an email to him that it worried me that if anything ever happened to me, say I was in a car crash or got very ill, he wouldnt know about it. i'd just disappear off the radar and he would have no one to contact, and that I didnt even have his phone number. I told him he would be the one person I would need. So he immediately sent me his cell number, asked me to give it to my friend and ask her to contact him immediately if anything happened. At least that was something, but when I expressed my fear that I wouldnt know if anything happened to him, he just said he would always be in touch.
  Not if he's in intensive care!! Who's going to phone me? Not his wife, thats for sure. I'll have to talk to him about this again face to face, its impossible in emails and phone calls are never long enough or often enough.
   
  Also I have a habit of getting tongue-tied when he does phone!
   
  I do trust him when I actually can hear his voice, my trust wavers when its only emails for maybe 5 days. Tomorrow he's going away with his wife till Sunday, so I wont hear a word if he doesnt have internet access. So I'm left totally on my own for 4 days with no word, thats hard.
  I worry that we see each other sooo seldom, it will be too intense for me. The last time I was with him for 3 days (sorry about this) my perineum tore, and took ages to heal, and the sex towards the end was very painful. I'm afraid of this happening every time.
  Sorry for going on..its just there's so much to learn and figure out.
  You're all great though!!

• subo9 said on Jul 01, 2009....

  He rang me again tonight to tell me he will have internet access over the weekend. He was so loving and lovely :))
  His voice makes me go weak. Oh heavens, I've got it bad!!!
  Now I can't wait for Sunday week. Why is it when I hear Him I'm so reassured and it all seems possible?

• pusscat said on Jul 01, 2009....

  It's ok hun - you aint weird ;-)  I could be the silliest, neediest, insecure sub ever but, when we hear those words?  When we read those words?  That's all it takes for us to know they love and care for us. 
  
  I think part of being a sub in the beginning just seems to entail all the insecruities a child may have on their first stay with adoptive/foster parents.  Wondering what boundaries they have.  How far can they push those boundaries and that persons still care.  How much does that person REALLY care?  I have never felt so needy and lost in all my life as when I became someone's submissive. . .
  
  

• daddyslilwhore said on Jul 01, 2009....

  As a new sub myself, I too want to thank DLS and pusscat for all the information metioned above.
   
  And the Seekers website is awesome..
   
   

• subo9 said on Jul 02, 2009....

  Thanks , pusscat, you are just the best. That makes perfect sense to me! I can see I have a LOT to work through and I know He will be there. He sent an email while I was asleep knowing I would get it when I got up, just saying good morning baby, and telling me how he loves and adores his precious slave. :)
  So today at least I feel secure.
  daddyslilwhore, hi there, love to talk to you sometime. I find the seekers site great too and maybe we can help each other.
  Have a good day, everyone...and thanks again!!

• DaddysLittleSlut said on Jul 02, 2009....

  OK Now even more red flags are up... there's hundreds of debates about slave vs. submissive and i hate to bring it up again... BUT!!! 

  You've been with him once and you've given yourself as a slave without rights to say no??

  He tore your perineum - what regard for your safety is that?

  How can you refuse him?

  Hon, being submissive is not being a victim.  He has no right to abuse you because you crave a dominant man.  Please please be careful.

  You do have rights.. he is not there for you full time... he does not own you - does he pay your way.. he is not looking out for your safe, sane and consenual sex...   there are red flags all over your post covered with love and a strong desire to please and submit. 

  Oh please be careful.. i and many others have been injured and worse in situations similar to this.

• subo9 said on Jul 02, 2009....

  Hi Dls
  I'm really taking on board what you are saying and I promise I will be careful. I was with him once as D/s but it was immediately after we had spent 3 days together with a LOT of hard and heavy sex. I hadn't been with anyone in a long time and (again sorry about this) he's very big, if you get my drift, so I was pretty sore from the three days already. I could have said no to the last time, that I was too sore, but he was leaving and well, I still wanted him. I knew i was very sore but I was surprised at long it took to heal. I don't know how to prevent this happening again as its always going to be long periods od nothing then very intense sex. His stamina is unreal, I've never seen the like. He has told me he will never intentionally hurt me.
   
  I did ask him to stop once when he tried something that was too painful and he stopped immediately. I'm not sure what he means when he says total sexual control, another thing I'll have to ask him. I'll have to clarify what rights I have and dont have.
   
  He doesn't pay my way at all, I have a good job I'm respected in, my own house and car. My house needs a lot of work and he's promised he's going to completely remodel it for me himself, new floors,, everything, which I couldnt possibly afford, he's done it in his own house...but I will pay for materials.
   
  I know this sounds like I'm defending him, and maybe I am, or trying to convince myself, but i'm also thinking it through. I think I'll know a lot more after this time we spend together. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. I also know I have some major punishment due which I'm not looking forward to...
   
  Is nobody on here in a relationship with someone who's married? I think I worry more about that than about him hurting me..whether I can cope with it long term. I have to ask him what I'm supposed to do about dating or not. I cant spend the winter sitting in watching telly. I need some attention from someone! I hope he'll see the unfairness of him in his cosy marriage while I'm all alone for months. I dont want to have sex with anyone, but I want to feel attractive at least.
   
  I will be careful and I will speak up for myself and my concerns. Just because I've said I'll be his slave doesn't mean I can't be treated with respect.
  Thanks so much for making me think hard
  x
   

• DaddysLittleSlut said on Jul 02, 2009....

  Hi Babe,

  I understand and yes both of my Masters are married.  M1 was the first and He insisted that i see others with the stipulation that i inform Him and ask permission.  But if i couldn't get ahold of Him, then i was to assume that i had permission.  He would often encourage me and give me dating advise.  He wanted me to have a full time relationship and felt very bad that He couldn't give it to me.  He loves me but has no intention of starting over again.  I love being His slut and will be always.

  On the other hand M2 is going to start over.. His plans are to divorce and be my full time Master.  But, He understands my relationship with M1 and is working together with Him.  M1 and M2 both are my Masters but at this point only M1 owns me.. (my sexuality anyway).  M1 has loaned His leash to M2 to manage and continue my training since M1 has been much too busy to attend to me regularly.  M1 is married and long distance.

  As M2 learns and grows as a Dominant, He will collar me with His own collar and co-own me.  Its a weird little poly thing but it works for us.. i am an owned slut. 

  My Doms are free to be with whomever they wish as long as they are honest with me.. and i am free as long as i ask them for permission.  They provide protection to me so must be consulted.. i've made some mistakes looking for the pain and submission i crave.

  Finding a Dom is like finding a husband.. once that connection is made its so deep and so fantastic i want to shout to the world about it but you know.. i don't want to tell my mom...lol.  

  I've met a few and had M1 loan them my leash.. me asking for permission, only to end up bruised and broken beyond my limits... i wanted to be tough and totally submissive more than i wanted to disappoint the dom or look like a bad sub.  It never would have happened with my trusted Masters because they actually love me and care about my health and well being.  There have been many times when they've stopped saying that i've had enough and i've been disappointed ... until the rush wears off and i can feel the effect of our play.

  Just be sure, in your heart that he has your well being in his heart, then enjoy.

• subo9 said on Jul 03, 2009....

  Hi Dls
  i love reading your posts, they're fascinating. You're so in touch with your own desires.
  Can I ask how M1 provides protection for you when he is married? Is he nearby so that you can at least see him sometimes? What I can't understand is how my Master is going to protect me when he is on the other side of the Atlantic?
   
  If I'm to give Him total contol of my life what the heck do I do whe I have to make snap decisions about my life as sometimes happens to us all, and there's a 5 hour time differend plus He's only contactable by email, and it may be hours before he can respond??
  You are lucky to have such a caring Master in M1 and that he's so open to sharing you. Now you have the chance of a full time relationship which is fantastic, you must be really happy about that. My Master has said He doesn't know if He can bear the thought of another man making love to me. I dont know what to do with that...I have to bear the thought of Him and his wife together, and I will be alone all winter for sure while He has his lovely cosy life with all his family and friends. I have few friends after my marriage, when I wasnt allowed any.
  I'm having trouble with coming to terms with my submissive tendancies. It seems to go against everything society says women should strive to be. I'm trying to get my head around the fact that when I seem Sunday week I have instruction to bring him coffee, then kiss his feet and remove his shoes and sit on the floor till told otherwise. Something in me rebels about the kissing part..is this usual?
   
  Sorry to ask so many questions, but this is like a lifeline for me.
  Thanks sooo much
  so9
   

• pusscat said on Jul 03, 2009....

  Hi there subo9.
  
  I also love reading what DLS has to say as she always has the most amazing advice and knowledge and often sees things and has questions that I don't think of.
  
  One thing I will point out though, and I unfortunately can't for the life of me remember who said it or where I read it but, when you and many others say, "It seems to go against everything society says women should strive to be", well I used to think like that until I read, women/suffragettes died to give women the freedom to vote and the freedom to choose what they wanted to do with their lives.  Well we choose to give our trust and submission to our Dominants do we not?  That is the greatest freedom anyone can have.  Many people in many countries, men and women, have no rights at all never mind to choose their own lifestyle.  We are very lucky to have this freedom :-)
  
  ~peecee~
  
  

• sweetsoul said on Jul 03, 2009....

  subo9 I second DLS's comments fully.
   
  I posted to one of your more recent blogs and then went back to read some of your older posts.
   
  I've very concerned that you agreed to be anyone's slave without seeming to have a good knowledge of what being a slave means in general or specifically in your case. In my mind, this is really unwise.
   
  Please go do some reading.
   
  SM 101: A realistic introduction  by Jay Wiseman
   
  Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, by  Philip Miller
   
  New Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton
   
  These are all excellent introductory books to BDSM that are oftern recommended to those new to/considering the lifestyle.
   
  I would also suggest that you give some thought to discussing that you entered into being his slave without really knowing what it meant, and would like to reconsider. You don't have to be a slave to submit to him. You can be a submissive...and the terms of the submission can be agreed to. You should be discussing limits (hard and soft) and it gives you a safe word...whether you use it or not. Being a slave gives you none of this. He owns you. Period.
   
  Yes I'm in a LDR where my sir is married. I too don't get to see him for long periods of time. But we started out as friends, became friends with benefits, then added D/s then BDSM to our relationship. Having said that though, there is a large part of our relationship where we consider ourselves equals (e.g. I'm not expected to submit to him). It works for us.
   
  I knew from the beginning that at that time he had no intention of leaving his wife. He knew from the beginning that I desired a long term relationship that was in the same city...dare I say in the same residence. Because he couldn't give me the totality of what I needed, I needed an open relationship. He agreed, with certain conditions, because he cares for me, wants the best for me, and knows how important this is to me.
   
  Our relationship has always been good. We've grown even closer over time. Our relationship has changed as well. But I do not have a slave mentality. I'm not prepared to be owned or give up complete control...frankly I can't. It's not in me. My submission balances me...it is not my totality. Luckily, his desires/needs match mine. He doesn't want the responsibility of owning someone. Doesn't want to dominate 24/7. Needs me to be independent and equal to him as much as he needs me to submit to him. As I said, it works for us.
   
  It sounds to me like you need to take a few steps back. Liking rough kinky sex...even bondage or submitting...does not mean you need to be a slave. I think you need to educate yourself a lot more about BDSM and M/s relationships in general as well as what your Master wants from a M/s relationship before you commit to one. 
   
  I also think it wouldn't hurt to do some hard thinking about having an affair with a married man and how you're going to cope with it. The few posts of yours that I've read don't show me that you're in a great place to cope with that.
   
  As I said in my other post...I'm well intended but sometimes not as tactful as some prefer. Please read this with the intent that it's meant.
   
  I wish you well.

• sweetsoul said on Jul 03, 2009....

  I've met a few and had M1 loan them my leash.. me asking for permission, only to end up bruised and broken beyond my limits... i wanted to be tough and totally submissive more than i wanted to disappoint the dom or look like a bad sub.  It never would have happened with my trusted Masters because they actually love me and care about my health and well being.  There have been many times when they've stopped saying that i've had enough and i've been disappointed ... until the rush wears off and i can feel the effect of our play.
   
  DLS I meant to comment on this part of your post. It reminded me of last time I was with my sir. We had quite a long scene where he was using various implements and his hands to inflict pain. Because I'm not a pain slut, I find that I feel wonderfully submissive to him when he administers pain. Because of this, I tend to resist using my safe word. I will use it...my sir won't play with pain unless I promise him that I'll use it if I need to.
   
  That night, I was almost at my limit. I might have been hot and wet, but damn, it hurt! Telling myself I could take more for him...this is when I feel most submissive.
   
  But he stopped on his own. He knows my reactions well enough, to know I was close to using my safe word. He said he knew that it would hurt me more not be able to submit to him by using my safe word, than it would to continue to take his physical pain. He was prepared to hurt me physically...but not emotionally. He knew it would hurt me to my core to not submit to him and have to use my safe word.
   
  Life is sweet to have such a Dom. And it sounds like you've got two such Masters.

• DaddysLittleSlut said on Jul 06, 2009....

  Hi Subo9,

  One thing that you asked that hasn't been answered since i've been on last.. is how a long distance Master was able to protect me.. and the truth is that is wasn't quite as well as He would have like but He did try very hard. 

  When I met with Dom J, who was a sadist, M1 was watching as best He could from home on webcam.  He had to pop in and out because His wife was home.  So, while i was not using my safeword,, M1 actually did not see that part.. but when i came down off the high, M1 was online again.  He chatted with me for over an hour telling me how much He loved me, how much i needed to use my safeword, how my happiness was His concerned, how proud He was of me... it was everything i needed to hear.  It was all the nurturing and caring and love that is the attention that i crave so badly. 

  I know its a weird part of me but i don't accept that sort of coddling if it just comes to me but if i've earned it, and worked for it, pleased Him (yes you too M2) then it means the world to me.  To me (strictly personally here) this is the essence of my D/s relationships.  I want to give my all, exhaust myself, please my Master completely, and then be appreciated and pampered.  ooops got excited and off subject... we were helping you here weren't we..

  Babe, your Sir may have the best of intentions but he is human.  You need to always communicate your feelings.  He's not a mind reader.  He's a man.  And to stereotype .. sorry guys... he's not going to get it unless you tell him.  Its your job to let him know what your feeling.  That's the first thing M1 told me i should do.. keep a journal on Soulcast for Him to read so that he knows what's going on in my head.  Plus it has the added benefit of providing a little humilation sometimes..lol gotta love His wicked humor.

  Dls

  And yes SweetSoul we are very lucky subs to have such loving Masters.  M2 said just yesterday that i'm stubborn and tough and while that's one of the things He loves about me, He's glad that He's learning to read me better and not having to just wait for a safe word.  And i'm glad because its fun to have my limits pushed again :D.

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