The night started out very tame at first. It was just me, my friend and her 5 year old daughter. We played Star Wars lightsaber games while my friend made guacamole. I'm kind of jealous that my friends daughter wants to play Star Wars cuz my daughter never did that! Then my friends mom showed up. She was gonna watch her daughter for the evening, so we could cut loose.
So basically the night started with kiddie games and looking at my friends flower garden she just planted with her mom. Innocent enough.
By the time everyone else arrived, things got a little crazy really fast. We had tons of food and tons of alcohol. I tend to be a little reserved most of the time and on the quieter side until I've been drinking. Then something happens and I become the loudest idiot in the entire room.
I'm really not sure what all happened or what I said to people. I do know I was outside on the patio telling everyone about some divine plan the universe had and how I loved each and every one of them immensely. They all rocked. And it was like a spiritual plan that we were all friends.
Basically I'm the crazy hippie freak that goes on and on while everyone just nods and says, 'yeah, okay, that's cool' I can't remember if anyone thought I was right or if anyone loved me too, but all felt right with the universe at that moment.
Then I went over to the edge of the garden to put my cigarette out in this little container/ashtray thing. And the next thing I realized I fell over and was laying in the garden. I don't know how that happened. But I just laid there and stared at the stars and was even more mesmerized by how beautiful life was.
But it was cold and windy out there and everyone else just went inside and left me laying in the flowers and bushes. Maybe they were just relieved I'd stopped talking? lol I have no idea. And then somehow I crawled on my hands and knees out of the garden and was laying on the patio instead. The stars were swirling around in the sky....okay, so really it was just my head that was swirling but it was pretty fucking cool.
Then I heard one of my friends shouting out the screen door, 'Jack! Are you okay?' And I was like, 'hell yeah, it's fucking beautiful out here!' So they just let me lay there some more...lol
It gets even fuzzier after this point. I know at one point I was walking around trying to light a broken cigarette with my cell phone. And when that didn't work, I told everyone if I snapped my fingers really fast it'd make sparks and I could light it that way. I seriously could not understand why it wasn't working either.
Then this guy informed me that my cigarette was broken and also I had no lighter and that's why it wouldn't work. The next thing I remember, I had a lit cigarette in my hand. Don't ask me how it happened. But then the guy kept following me around saying, 'dude give me back my lighter!' and I was like, 'I don't have your stupid lighter!' I was very adamant and I started getting to the drunk point where I stop loving everyone and start thinking everyone is an asshole.
I called him some choice names and then all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground and started digging in my pockets until he found this orange lighter I'd never seen before. I guess I did steal it. Oops. Then we were friends again so it was cool.
Then I apparently tried to call my wife and could not figure out how to use my phone anymore. I kept pressing shit and nothing was happening. Or so I thought. I guess I sent her a bunch of blank text messages...lol And eventually my friend called her for me from her phone, but I couldn't remember the number. I told her the wrong number first. Then I just kept telling her it was number 2 cuz that's my speed dial...lol
I finally got a hold of her but I don't know what I told her. I think I told her to come take me home, but who knows. Next thing I remember, we were on the front lawn. The birthday girl was sick and fell down trying to walk and sort of rolled down the grass to the sidewalk. And then a policeman showed up. My friend said not to panic cuz she knew him and it was a social call and not a bust...lol
I have no idea why she thought it would be a good idea to invite a policeman to the house during the party, but I vaguely remember him speaking to me about something. He had blonde hair and freckles. Then my wife pulls up and I started cheering. I think she was alarmed by the sight of the police car at first, but I ran up to her and hugged her and said I was sooooo glad she was there.
Then I went back into the house for some reason. I think to grab my phone off the counter. I'm really not sure. But I came out of the house clutching a bag of bread instead. I wouldn't let go of it apparently. And I got in the car and my wife kept asking me, 'whose bread is that?' and I had no idea what she was talking about. But I kept complaining I needed my phone. Where was my fucking phone? So she went back inside the house and found the phone on the counter (which is why I assume I somehow mistook the bag of bread for my phone...easy mistake right?)
When we arrived home, I looked down at my feet in the car and was like 'wtf is this bag of bread doing here?' And she laughed at me and said, 'that's what I kept asking you!' Until then I did not even know I had it. I really didn't. I thought she was out of her mind asking me about bread.
I woke up around 5am, still drunk, using the bread bag as a pillow, and fully clothed in my bed. I stumbled out of the bedroom, slammed into the wall, but very determined to make it to the kitchen cuz I was thirsty. I drank a bunch of water and popped some advil, then I went back to bed, and woke up feeling only slightly headachy. Amazing huh?
So that was my night. Or at least what I remember of it. I'm kind of embarrassed to go back to work tomorrow since these were all my work friends and I have no idea exactly how bad of an asshat I made of myself. I may not be able to show my face there again. But apparently my wife was told while I was getting the bread out of the house for unknown reason, that I was truly the life of the party and the most entertaining person on the planet.
That's good to know right? Even if I don't remember what I did that earned me such a stellar compliment. I just hope by 'entertaining' they don't mean I acted like such a freak that they were all rolling with laughter at my lunacy. Let's just hope that if I made a fool of myself really badly, they were all too drunk to remember too....
