When I was younger, I saw sex as a sacred thing. I had plenty of boyfriends, but I wanted to wait until I found that "special someone". I was a bit idealistic in my expectations. Maybe not quite as old fashioned as to believe that you had to wait to be married, but I wanted to be a one man girl.

Defining my virginity was slightly difficult, as I had a few "encounters" right from the beginning as a child and being pressured as an early teen- but I had managed to stay true by definition until I had been with the same boyfriend for over a year through high school and had went off to college. I was mid nineteen the first time, and I thought for sure I was the oldest living virgin. Sad to say, I'm sure I may have been the only virgin on entire floor in the dorms. I didn't let this sway me. Sex was special, it was supposed to be this amazing powerful thing that bonded two people together.

I went on to become engaged to my high school sweetie, Tim. We moved in together, went to college, graduated college, moved back to our home town. We were together for seven years. Something happened after seven years. I don't know if you'd call it the seven year itch or not, but I think that I grew up and he didn't. I was evolving into a different person and he was standing still. He wasn't a bad guy, but he had started to get violent and angry. I'll spare you any gory or boring details of the split, but eventually we broke of the engagement and I left him. I told him that we needed space apart and he needed to find his head and if he ever did, to come find me.

At this time, I had a best friend that was a boy named Kevin (and I mean boy quite literally, even though he was twenty at the time). We hung out on a regular basis, but after the break we hung out constantly. We were inseparable. People always said we should date, but we didn't want to ruin the friendship. That didn't last long however. We ended up sharing a heated make-out session, with a few following- but a real relationship never developed. We continued to be just friends, despite my growing affection.

One day, he brought a condom with him. I got scared, despite my closeness with him. I was a one man girl. I continued to hope that my ex would change, and that we would live our happily ever after fairy tale. I pushed him away, and stopped hanging out with him.

Months went by, and for the first time since I was fifteen, I was single again. My ex continued to keep in contact with me, but nothing was changing. I still had feelings for him, but I my continued disapointment in him was growing a contempt. He didn't love me enough to seek out help, or even do anything significant to win me back. I felt worthless. That's not how movies are. The man ALWAYS redeems himself, and they have a romantic reuniting moment.

Eventually, I started talking to Kevin again, it was like we were drawn together. We started semi-dating (but were clear that we were not boyfriend/ girlfriend) but we may as well have been. He continued to see other people. I didn't have time for anyone else. He had several girlfriends, but none of them spent nearly as much time with him as I did. I grew insanely jealous.

Eventually, he broke up with his most recent "prize"- he had a talent for picking out what I called the "crazies". On the last one, he said he broke up with her to be with me, but we still weren't sure about dating. However, that night- I slept with him.

It was awkward, because I was insecure of my body and I;'d only been with one other man. I was scared, but I'd given up hope on Tim. It was almost like the first time all over again, and I cried afterwards. He didn't understand why I was sobbing desperately.

The second time is probably the hardest. You have to make that decision that you thought defined you as a morally ethical person (despite knowing that if God damned those who lay out of wedlock- you were totally screwed). You have to make the decision that it was over with your last love, and you have to choose to abandon your image of being a "good girl".

Its always easier after the second time. Kevin made it clear that we weren't boyfriend' girlfriend when he said that he had plans on sleeping with another girl. I was devestated and crushed. My heart broke. Soon after, a rocker named Reese would soon express his sexual interest. All thoughts of myself being a "good girl" were lost, and left long behind me. I had  afew crazy misadventures with Reese, even though I knew he didn't want a relationship. By this point, I think I'd gotten it into my head that I was nothing more than the pawn of whateve rman desired me. I had a hard time saying no to Reese, even though I was insecure- the meaning behind sex had lost all value. It'd become something to do to keep a boy interested.

 Kevin and I would go on to have a merry-go-round relationship. We eventually did date for over a year (though we'd been "dating" for three) until he cheated on me for a girl ten years younger, but I'll save that for a later story. I stopped seeing Reese and devoted myself entirely to Kevin- until the girl.

That is all beside the point. The moral of the story is that once you let go of those ideals- you start seeing yourself differently. Eventually, sex becomes a means of recreation rather than an expression of something more powerful than yourself. I don't treasure this revelation, and I am not at all proud of what I've done. There's been two other since then, and though five is not a large number for nine years- it is to me. What is more disturbing to me, is that relationships are no longer required for sex.

The things that I realized, however, is that everytime I sleep with a new guy, it isnt for the pleasure, it isn't for my own gratification- it is to fill an intense desire to please them. Its to fill some unknown void that I have from being alone. I could go wtihout sex for months and be fine if I were alone. I feel an empty void and I try to fill it by getting involved in "relationships" that will never work.

I can't entirely blame the guys. I'm the one who welcomes attention. I don't have a great body, so any interest in me is flattering. I'm a quiet, shy girl wthh something to prove.

I want nothing more desperately than to settle down and meet someone that I could completetly devote myself to. I want to meet a man that I love, and can put the past behind me. I want to meet someone who sees me for who I am outside of sexual situations, and I want so desperately to be seen for who I am.

And with what I've become, I see this becoming increasingly difficult. Even when I find someone that sees me as more than a toy- I have a difficult time connecting to them.

I need to find my self worth again. I need to stop getting into relationships just because I'm lonely.  I need to return broken defective relationships before they take me down. I don't necessarily blame the boyfriends, I know it is my own fault for being htis way, but I wish I could find someone that my heart belonged to completely and surely.

I want to believe in love...