what's up with life
is there really anything to it?
of course there is....i'm just trying to be stupid, that's all.
don't know.
so many things

i'm so tired.
addled really
to know what i want or when
i want to be loved.
but by whom?
i want to care for someone.
but who?
i want to be permanent with someone
the whole marriage and wedding thing....but when? how? who?
always the question.....
WHO?
it rather sucks.
i know i can't have my ideal life with the guy at home.....
but can i have it without him?
that's a good question......not one i'm sure i want to answer
am i willing to let the "ideal" go?
i don't even know how willing he would EVER be to get in that situation again.
i don't know how much of how well we've been getting along these last few months has to do with the fact that there is no commitment
do i treat him different when there is no commitment?
i'm not sure.
very good question....
i may have to say probably.
because if i'm with someone, i expect a lot in return.
so, yes, that might be it.
can i get past that?
i don't know.