whenever i break up with someone i need DISTRACTIONS so that i don't obsess over it. & hanging out with my friends usually makes me feel so much better about the break up. i just sit around w/my friends & bitch about the boy that i just broke up with & joke about it & my friends make fun of him & it always cheers me up!!!  the most recent  break up (the tim break up.)jamie bought me a rose & it made me feel so much better! another time i broke up w/someone (brian) & jamie came over even tho there was a snowstorm. he bought me a cup of coffee & then we went to his house & watched "bumfights" & "night of the living dead." it's little things like that that my friends do that mean a lot to me & they probably don't even realize it! it's just the fact that they are there when boys leave...but the most memorable break up/cheer up moment was the day after me & kraig broke up. i spent the night at matt's house. his mom is an exotic dancer.  she asked me if i wanted to go to work w/her & i was like "ok." (her stage name is "randy" so that's what i'll call her) i've always figured that i was probably sex industry bound! i've always said that i'd probably end up a stripper--but i think deep down inside i knew i'd never have the guts (or self confidence) to actually do it. i've always been curious about strip clubs & always wanted to go & check it out & see what it was like.  i thought it would be an interesting experience. the 1st time i went i was really nervous. it seemed like a really good idea at the time but as we were driving there randy kept telling me how much fun we were gonna have but i was having second thoughts! the more she talked about some of the girls she knew the more insecure i got. the closer we got the club the more i thought it was a big mistake & i'd be really sorry!  nudity & beautiful girls make me very uncomfortable...so i thought i'd end up having a horrible time & be really shy & intimidated no matter how drunk i got.  but as soon as i stepped into the club it was like walking into another world...& i LOVED it! i felt comfortable & almost like i belonged there! all the girls were really nice to me & i had so much fun. probably too much fun & i liked it there way too much! i went back to matt's house & fell asleep in his bed with images of naked girls dancing in my head! so then i pretty much got addicted to strip clubs...i'd go & stay at matt's house & go to work  w/randy everyday. & at one point i even thought about working there. that was randy's bright idea--insisting that we'd have alotta fun working there together. i thought i'd never be able to pull it off but the more i hung out there the more people feed my ego & told me i should be a dancer...but all i ever did was just sit back & enjoy myself & observe everything & hope that i could learn the tricks of the trade. cos those girls really do hafta work their asses off!! they gotta get guys to buy them drinx & lap dances & shake it so that they can get $1 tips...i  dunno if i'd even be able to do that! sometimes guys would just waste their time by not buying a lap dance when the dancer coulda been talking to someone else that would buy 2 or 3 dances--& that's their JOB! then there were some guys that are there almost everyday . & they have their favorite dancers & almost have a "respect" for the dancers. ( i hate to use that word becos i know i'll catch hell for it.)  & they juswanna spend time w/the girls & talk to them. i learned a lot just from observation. & it was very interesting research to say the least!  & my "research" just entailed hanging out at the bar all day getting drunk & watching girls dance. & getting drinks & the occasional lap dance all on someone else's dime! i didn't hafta pay for anything cos guys were more than willing to buy everything for me. & i didn't even ask--it was just cos i was there w/randy. that was one of the things that matt hated about his mom working there. when i told him i might work there he got all worried about me. & he told me not to change like his mom did. he talked about how she took advantage of guys & spent their $.  but i met 3 or 4 of these guys & they liked spending their $ on her. ( & sometimes ME so i wasn't about to bitch about it!) they'd brag about how much money they made & just threw their $ around at the club.now--to me that is not "taking advantage" of guys! i really dunno if they expected anything in return tho..but if they did i guess that's their own stupidity. but i would be so amazed by what randy could get guys to do for her & all she had to do was ASK. she didn't sleep with ALL of them. tho i later found out that she had slept w/a few of them once or twice. which was none of my business & i never asked her about it. but she was more than happy to share her stories w/me when she had too much to drink. she told me all her "secrets". the only advice randy ever gave me about dancing was: "dance like you fuck". & i learned a lot just by watching her. she never felt like stripping was bad or wrong or degrading or like she was ashamed that's what she did for a living. & to her & alotta girls that work there SEX= POWER.
  & in a way i kinda admired that. becos for a long time sex made me feel really  bad about myself. i felt like it was BAD to be so SEXUAL. but i've always been that way..so i felt like something was wrong w/me. & guys made me feel like i was a fucking whore just becos i like sex. for awhile sex & alcohol went hand in hand & i'd only have sex if i was intoxicated. & i'd feel GUILTY whenever i drank or had sex & i didn't like feeling that way about myself. so this was an experience that i'm glad i had cos i learned that i shouldn't feel that way. i shouldn't feel dirty or guilty or ashamed. i do still have lotsa issues w/sex that i'm still dealing with...sometimes i still feel like that's all that i am worth to people. i don't like feeling like that's the only reason that people like me. cos it also seems to be the reason that people leave. it's like guys get insecure & can't handle being w/me cos they thin i'm a slut & i'm out fucking everybody or something. i hate that. & i'm so sick of thinking "no one wants to love me they juswanna fuck me." so i dunno if getting into the sex industry would be a very healthy thing for me to do. just becos of my emotional problems i've had in the past & dealing w/my sexuality & (more or less) my alcoholism. these are also addictions for me & i could seei it being a bad thing for me to get into. becos i have seem alotta dancers that drink & do drugs so that they can handle getting on the stage to dance.
& i'm afraid that i would become one of those girls...
 plus i don't even know if i could handle the lifestyle. most of the time randy would work happy hour so i'd be drunk off my ass by 7 pm! & we'd go back to matt's house & i'd pass out on the couch. but randy would be all ready to go out to a bar! she'd get home at 2 or 3 in the morning & then be up by 8 am!! i dunno how she did it! it was insane! but i never got up the nerve to become a dancer. i also met brandon there...& i was so worried that he'd think i was a slut. especially if i started working there! little did i know he had a stripper fetish & really digs dancers & is really into sex & likes girls who are into sex. but i have always been made to feel & think that that made me a WHORE. but i don't think or feel that way anymore.(or as much...i'm still kinda working on it...) & it is thanks to my experience at the strip club.