I am going to have a break down. I knew that trying to take summer classes, with my job would be a lot, but I guess I didn't realize just HOW MUCH! It is killing me physically to go from a 2.5 hour class straight to work for about 5 hours and then come home, make dinner and do homework which in this case is about 100 pages of reading a night, and turn in a paper this Friday.

I am working on my paper now as I am typing this, but I just needed a break. I am allowed that right? haha

:Sigh:

I know that in the end I will be happy I took these summer classes because I will graduate in a year, and I need to get these out of the way! But, I guess that little stuff is just starting to get to me. And that's how I know I am on the verge. Like today, J- (the new boyfriend) was texting me about how he hates this Military Training School he's required to do, and how he's mad that there going to make the guys attend a local event tomorrow night. And, my response was, "That'll be fun" he says "No" And I simply just tell him to "Smile, think positive". I say this because he is required to go to the School, and do the event, and I know that it may suck but it's better than I don't know writing my paper! Atleast in my eyes..But, still that's getting out and having some kind of fun, instead of sitting in their class room.

His reply was stupid and just mean in a way, so I didn't reply anymore. I think he's just adding to my stress. And, he got mad at me last week an said I don't tell him about my day because honestly it's not that eventful so NOW I do tell him about my day! Every detail from class, to work, and who's on my nerves, and what I plan on doing for dinner that night, etc!

I don't think of it as me being a smart-ass he asked me, so now I will tell him. But, It's like he never wants to be positive about anything, and it's starting to annoy me to death! I can be pretty negative most times, but ususally I try to be up-beat, and happy! Everyday is a new day right!?

And, it's like those simple text he sends me can just ruin it for me. And I try not to let it, but it really does tend to get to me.

On to the next topic: I am addicted to Natasha Bedingfield's song "soulmate" if you haven't heard it, it's amazing. It makes so much sense.When I was writing in my journal the other day outside, I wrote that maybe just maybe God had forgotten me, or maybe had another plan for me. And I am not a very religious person, but maybe it happened.

I do pray, and I remember one night not too long ago, I asked God to help me get through this heartache because it's never hurt this bad before, and I asked him if he had forgotten me? An then at the end saying, I knew he hadn't but that my soulmate was out there somewhere, and one day hopefully we will be together.

But, I don't know when or where, or how. And it's so draining, and I'm not just talking about going to class and work and then studying. I'm talking about not having that other person to really talk to, to have someone who gets you, or relate to you. Or just that someone to hug you an know what your going to say without saying it. That person who can brighten your day just by smiling or sending a text.

I see friends of mine all the time in great relationships, and I am happy for them! Honestly I am, like I've said before I don't wish lonliness on anyone. But, it also hurts me. Because I don't have what they have, and I want to have that. I want it so bad it hurts.

I have thought that maybe I was destined to be alone before, and maybe I am... And if so, then I am going to be really lonely for a long time and I should get use to it. Or maybe I am just in love with being in love. That I want it so much, I am just wrapped up in the romance of it all that .. I don't even know.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's hard. I am hurting more than anyone can ever guess by looking at my face, because I put on a good mask. And, if my soulmate is out there, I need him.

I probaly sound stupid, some stupid college girl who just wants someone. And that's not it, and if that's what you think, then you don't get me. If anyone out there does get it.. I am glad. It would be nice to know I am not completly alone..

Even though these past few months have been the lonelinest I have ever felt.