The last few days I have been facing some hard truths about myself.  Things, or quirks that I thought were a sign of strength, or how ever you would what to phrase it, is actually more of a weakness.

 

I think on some levels I always knew that it probably wasn't one of my best qualities, it just took the internet to actually bring it home to me.  Lets see, when I was young, I learned very quickly that if you showed any emotions what so ever - then you were weak.  If tears came, it opened you up to cruel vicious attacks.  If you got angry trying to defend youself, then you were labeled crazy or schizophrenic and you needed to be committed.  Life was rather harsh.  I learned to take all of my emotions - tears, anger, fear, lonliness, everything and I buried it deep down inside of me.  To make sure I kept it down and to keep me numb, I added some things for a little seasoning.

 

Either way, I spent my life living like this, with the occasional explosions, and I do mean explosions.  Or I got into fights - alot.  Not healthy in any manner of speaking, but it was the only way I knew, the only existence I was shown, this was the way I was taught. 

 

Now, here I am, 39 and I'm finally admitting the truth that this is so not a healthy lifestyle!  The worse thing of all, I have the hardest time showing any emotions, even when I need to and want to.  When a person's heart is broken, they should be able to cry.  When they have been hurt, they should be able to cry.  When they are frightened, they should be able to show it.  But for me, I fight it tooth and nail.  Slowly though, ever so slowly, I'm learning to let the occasional tear fall.....even though I have to run to the balcony to smoke so that I can hide it....