So here is late in the night and I can't sleep.  Again.  I have these bouts where I have so much trouble sleeping and then there are months where I can go to sleep at the drop of a hat.  So strange.  I signed up for this site with the expectation that I would be able to say everything that I do not normally say but when I get on here I seem to have very little to say.  Or at least very little that would help me work through all of my issues. 

Speaking of issues I suppose that we all have those.  I started to type a post the other day and I found that I had to stop.  I think that I get overwhelmed by the freedom to say whatever I want.  There are so many, indeed too many places and times in my life where I have held my tongue for the good of things.  I would not say that I routinely lie to protect people (although I have in the past, who hasn't?) but all this takes a toll.  There are many times where I wish that I did not choose the diplomatic option and just say or do what really needs to be said.  Having a diplomatic personality type sure helps make friends and contacts but what you end up holding inside is not always worth the cost. 

Ok..here goes.  I had this friend (we will call him John) and we were friends for a long time in college.  We met probably around five or six years ago (college sort of runs together) and we were very active in stuff in campus.  I am older than he is and I met him during his freshman year.  We became very active in the same activities (honor societies, student government) and eventually he became like another little brother to me.  Eventually we started working together in the same office and together we ended up running quite a bit.  I have to say that this was amongst the happiest times in my life.  I had long been searching for someone that I could trust and support and call a friend.  I had been burned a lot by "friends" in high school and I was looking to bridge that gap and enter some new social relationships.  There are others but for a time this was the friendship that really worked at. 

A very long story short he ended up running for elected office and compltely changed the plans that we had been working on for the past two years.  I tried to help him but he brought in new people who he thought could do him better and he ended up losing his election.  The event utterly destroyed him and we no longer speak except for the one or two mutual friends that we have.  Looking back on it I should have been more forceful regarding the whole thing.  Even though he made his own choices I still wonder (and several years have now passed) if there was something that I should or could have done differently and maybe won that election or at least spared our friendship. 

He realized that he had failed and "let me down".  His solution was to cut off all contact and completely ignore me for two years.  I have had to live with that.  Shortly after all this happened and I was just started to move on I lost a cousin that I was very close to in a shooting.  I missed seeing him again one week.  I never told him everything that I wanted to and I will probably forever regret not making the extra trip home that summer.  I lost two best friends in the space of two years.  I still wonder if I could have saved the first friendship.  The second friendship ended without preamble or warning. 

As a result of this (and many other things that are for a later time) I have always held in my true feelings and presented a calm and collected outlook.  I always look before I leap and before I leap I make sure that there are three or four ways for me to catch myself on the way down.  When someone asks me to do something I complete the task and make four or five contingencies.  I like this about me.  I don't leave things to chance; I am throurough and no one ever walks away from my desk without what they need.  The consequences suck.  I am not this way becuase I think that I am perfect or that I have some sort of OCD (although I probably do). 

I am the way that I am because God made me this way for a reason.  I just don't know what that is yet.  I can sort out everyone's problems but my own.  I can plan events, teach classes, create reports, whatever but whenever I try and fix myself I fizzle out.  I have been making some substantive change lately but it has taken years.  I have recently lost a ton on weight and am working out daily at a little gym that I love.  I am doing more things for me and really enjoying what I am doing. 

So why can't I sleep?