I've ever done anything right in my life.
Or anything I really really want in my life.

I screwed up.
Everyone is saying how nice my boyfriend is and how sweet he is.
But I bet a hundred mesos* that no one else tells him how nice I am.
They might say I'm okay, or they like me. but they will never in their life says I'm nice and sweet.
Cause I am not.
To them, I'm just a troublesome kid.


I didn't want myself too attached to another human being.
A few years ago, I seep into depression.
My best friend was damn mean to me, backstabbing name-callings.
My than-boyfriend dumped me cause I was too possessive.
My schoolwork was terrible. I nearly quit school.
I was the social outcast. I still am.
and no one wants me.

until he came along, 2 years back.
He loved me.
He watched me grow up.
I was 16. Young but not so innocent.
I keep a part of me away from him.
The clingy part.
I loved him.
I wouldn't' mind being his wife and all.
But I've been scarred.
I'm so scared to be committed.
I don't know when he'll have a change of heart.
Or when will he wake up and realise I'm just a girl that he thought he loves.
I put up a strong front acting like everyone in the world likes me, but I know the fact that, no one really wants me around in this world.
and maybe he's just pitying me.


Knowing him, he'll denial it. Tell me he loves me lots. and stuffs. and how I don't know he really really loves me.
honestly.
I just stepped out of this stupid border I had and starts calling him hubby.
but I kind of regret it.
I can't afford commitment to him.
I know he can't be committed to me.
who can?
I'm that bratty little girl who's THE SOCIAL OUTCAST.
damn it.
Ever since the last accident, I'm too limp to love without borders anymore.
I'm pissed.
I don't know if I really want him.
I don't know if I can stop being clingy once I start calling him hubby.
I don't want him look at other girls.
Talk to other girls.
or haven any contact at all.
or even for instance read their blog.
I hate it.
I would feel betrayed.
I don't know if he knew.

I came from a girl school and I'm the type of girl who doesn't have many guy friends.
not that I have many friends at all. -.-
I've always been very careful not to stand too close to guys. classmates or what. I always kept a distance. Even while "talking" I wouldn't even have eye contact.
I know I'm different from bunnyboy.
He's popular and was like what he said prince charming before he got into his own accident.
I hate it.
I aint Cinderella, Snow White, Little mermaid and all the other fairy tale princess.
I look ugly.
Fat.
and am clueless about what I want in life.

argh.

mesos* - A currency used in a game call Maple Story.