As the world grows cold,
Ice stopping my aching heart,
I wish you were here to hold,
That things were the same as the start.
I can't stop the tears,
I can't stop the pain.
I long for your understanding of my fears,
That our love made us fly, not drain.
I scream against confusion's walls that confine me,
I want the solution to be in my hands.
I hope that someday we, you, will see.
After we travel over these hot sands.
That we can be together without the ache.
I want to change. I can't be this person I hate anymore. I can't keep looking at my stomach and shouting You're fat!. I can't keep looking at the scars on my legs from the razors and saying Nothing's changed. I can't keep saying He doesn't love you! if he doesn't talk for a while or if the conversation isn't going well. I can't keep doing this, I have to change.
But I can't.
I have been like this for so long, that changing is like cutting down a tree with a butter knife. Useless. People say change is inevitable. Sometimes it seems like it's impossible.
Do you ever wish someone would hand you the answers? The answers to all those questions clawing, torturing, killing your mind?
Freedom♥ posted on Jun 08, 2009
| views: 131
Comments
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shadowshide said on Jun 08, 2009....
Reading the beginning of your post, you seem to be a sensitive person. You should stop worrying about your weight. It does not make you, its not who you are. Bodies are just containers, and its what is inside that is important, and what makes us stand out. You should know yourself that you do not choose your friends because they are a particular size. Your friends won't choose you based on your body size. Its the you they are interested in. If you relax about your body size, you will be much happier. Don't fight it. let it go. Only you can do this.
The scarring, i don't understand, but i imagine that you fix the body size thing, this will disappear.
Remember. "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you will get what you need." - Rolling Stones.
Keep Well
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wishyouwerehere said on Jun 08, 2009....
Its not impossible, Freedom - I like what shadows wrote very much about the body being a container, a vehicle for the soul, if you will.I hope this doesn't sound trite, but what you wrote reminds me of a quote I have hanging on my bulletin board in my office ... it's there because I am someone who always asks questions, and many of them do not seem to have immediate answers -From Ranier Maria Rilke:"Have patientce with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as though they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them.Live the questions now, and perhaps then in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."I have a thought about the cutting ... the acute pain induced may be a way of distracting your mind from the pain of the past, or the anticipated pain of the future. Instead, I hope you can use your energies to dream of something better. Be here, in the present - use meditation, music, walking, yoga - whatever helps center you ... and honor your body as it is knowing inside is a wonderful soul.Love, Wish -
Hegemone said on Jun 08, 2009....
Well I'm sorry you're faced with this predicament, feeling so helpless. It is possible though, you've just got to have a good support system and start somewhere, even if it's a tiny change. So far as your analogy with the tree and butter knife ... it's not useless, it'll just take a very long time. I wouldn't doubt that with enough force and determination and not giving up ... it could happen ... and it can for you. ((((HUG)))) -
queenparanoia said on Jun 08, 2009....
oh yeah... i wsh there was a magic wand to just give it all.... but there isnt...
well in this case only one thing you can do...
accept reality... in order for you to change... time to grow up....
it would be hard... but so worth it... ;-)
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Freedom♥ said on Jun 09, 2009....
Thank you all :)
Comment on "Change - Inevitable or Impossible?"
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