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If this was on paper, it be covered in tears

Edriisxe posted on Jun 07, 2009 | views: 175 | Tags: pissed, stress, lost love, win, tag, What

I don't know what to think or do anymore. For the past couple days I’ve been wanting to cry my eyes out. My heart just wants to rip itself out from my chest. There's so much happiness happening around me, it touching, but it also breaks my heart. I can't remember the last time I was looked at with appreciation. And perhaps there was a few I recall, but they wanted me for their benefit.

There are those people who are "supposed" to love me, care for me, and let me know everything is going to be alright...Where are they? My parents are strangers to me. God seems so far away from me and I'm trying to get him back, but I know he's there. I don't really have anyone I could talk to one on one without them not helping or listening.

There are some who will let me talk to them about my problems, but in the end, all I get is "I'm so sorry, but I don't know what to tell you." or "Wow. That sucks." And believe me, I get those as responses.

There are some who think they are helping me, and after long moments of conversating and trying to get what I’m looking for, I get frustrated and give up because they just can't get my story straight. Or they make generalizations about my life and try to make it up for me. So I just agree with everything and get out.

Tell me...what kind of person always talks to her daughter as if they're giving the attitude, so they give me one? Or everything that comes out of my mouth, they contradict? because apparently I’m always wrong. I'm not saying I’m always right. It's funny, I will talk to other adults and they say I am a very wise girl. I'm wiser and make WAY smarter choices than the majority of the teenagers they've met. I'm not being conceited, I’m far from that. Trust me. But how can my own parents not see what the whole world does?

I feel like I’m wrong in their eyes. I try so hard, but I end up taking only a step forward. Others don't work as hard or they don't have a great attitude and they get SO MUCH! I sometimes wonder if I was to lower my standards how far I would get.

I need to stop worrying about other and worry about myself and where I stand. I am young goddammit. I have so much ahead of me. All these adults had their chance. They are not going to fuck up my life because they didn't get to fulfill most/some of theirs. It's not fair to me.

I don't have a job...but my friend, the girl who can never give me advice or will listen completely, got me an interview at Tony Roma's down the street.

I don't have a car...but hopefully this job can start paying for it. Finally, I can start supporting myself and not have to ask my parents for everything.

I don't have a lot of clothes...my mother will buy herself new shoes or a new outfit every other month and I haven't gone clothes shopping in 2 years. And she buys her precious little son everything he asks for. He has a bigger closet than me and it's FILLED! I have a small closet and there's so much room left. And she always buys fast-food. And she and my father complain about not having the money to pay things off.

There are so many things I don't have, but they are definitely not essential to living. Of course, sooner or later, I'm going to need that job. Same for the car, but there are other forms of transportation.

 

 

And love?!  AUGH!

 

 

I’m stressed. My mind is going 212mph and that’s fucking fast. I need a hug. I need someone to speak to. I need someone to get me a tissue because I’m crying a lot. These seem like very pathetic things to cry over, and you’re right. But this isn’t all. There are so many things I can’t post that are tearing my heart apart. Everything is just piling over another. Don’t anyone feel sorry for me, because no one did anything wrong. I just needed to get this out on some kind of document.



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Comments

  • Hegemone said on Jun 07, 2009....
    That is a lot to be dealing with, just from what you mentioned.  One thing you do have going for you, you're right ... you're young so you've got a good chance at getting away from all this.  I think you also touched on a very intelligent thought ... the adults have all made their mistakes and are trying to keep you from doing the same without realizing they may be smothering you.  You keep fighting and you go for this job and do what you need to do.  You've got yourself to rely on, I believe that you're a strong person and you can do it.  Later in life you'll appreciate it so much more.  Sometimes parents don't realize that they need to let their children fall, or at least have the possibility of falling instead of smothering them.  At least one thing, you've got plenty of time to wait for love, that doesn't have to be a rush.  Get some other things going for you first and that will come later.  I really hope things start working out for you, that you get the job and can get out of your situation.  ((((HUG)))
  • shadowshide said on Jun 07, 2009....
    I need to stop worrying about other and worry about myself and where I stand. You have the answer. now go and do it. The adults are not going to change and often it is just a lack of communucation, not that they think you wrong. Also don't forget its very important for adults, that they are right (its an ego thing). So their reaction to you has nothing to do with you being wrong. Its all about them being right. The best thing to do, the only thing to do, is to stop stressing about it. You know yourself whether what you think is right and that is the main person you need to worry about. just yourself. You are young. You are alive. You have most of your life ahead of you. Go live it. And never forget to smile. it always lifts your mood.
  • Edriisxe said on Jun 08, 2009....
    Thanks for the hug Hegemone. I felt the warmness around me. =] And thank you for the compliments. Ha, and that job thing? Oh, lets just say that I didn't know racist people can be that cruel, corrupt, and wicked.
     
    Shadow, some adults have too much of an ego when it comes to caring for their children. I pray I don't become that. I want to have a good relationship with my kids. I want them to become teenagers and not feel like they can't talk to me. I want them to look at me like one of their bestfriend. Of course, I might not be, but I want them to feel comfortable around me. I'm going to go live my life, happy and free. Not reckless, but the way I choose. Later, i'm going to have to make my own decisions, so I need to practice now because they are making them all for me to the point where I have no choice. I feel so weak and pathetic around them, like I cant take care of myself. That's gonna change, somehow.
  • Hegemone said on Jun 08, 2009....
    Edrii - That's shitty that you had to deal with that.  Some people aren't worth the darned toilet water they crap in sometimes.  That's OK, your life will be much better than theirs some day.
  • travelr712 said on Jun 08, 2009....
    it may seem very uncommon to you, but what you're describing is actually pretty common. you're right on the cusp of starting your own life, but you're still living your 'family life'.  one thing that might help you in later life, stop comparing what you have to what others have. some will always have what you think is 'more' or 'better', some will always have what you think is 'less'. letting yourself get caught up in trying to catch up is a really good motivator, but a hollow victory in the end.
     
    ok, generalized advice, i agree, but it's the best i could come up with not knowing any specifics about your situation.
  • shadowshide said on Jun 08, 2009....
    It is difficult for parents to let go and particularly to let their children fall, although the truth is it is the only way children learn. When you reflect back on your life in time you will realise that some things your parents did were right, and some were wrong. But it would be unusual that your parents would be restricting you because they hate you or don't want you to live. And despite your good intentions, you will probably find that with your own children you will become protective and restrict them to varying degrees, and be hurt when they dislike you for it. This is all natural. Don't be in too much of a hurry to grow up, its only when you grow up that you realise how much fun it is being a child/young adult, and not having to take decisions.
    You will naturally find yourself able to take decisions, this does not need practice. And some decisions will be wrong and some will be right. Nothing you can do to prevent this. So relax and stop stressing. Your situation will improve. Keep well. 
  • Edriisxe said on Jun 08, 2009....
    Thanks everyone.
     
    Expecially to shadows last comment. I always thought of that, but I guess reading it from your perspective made me realize how true it is. I'm going to miss being a child/teen. I don't wanna make so many decisions because of stress. I can do that later. Thanks =] I'll look into your advice.
  • ABOVE_TOP_SECRET said on Jun 08, 2009....
    Fight the good fight!
  • Edriisxe said on Jun 08, 2009....
    hahaha =D Will do!!
  • Balefish said on Jun 29, 2009....
    *hugs* Ive been in the same boat, just trying to survive for a few years now. it SUCKS for sure. sorry =/

    people always tlel me im the coolest, most sincere, gentle, honorable, blah blah, etc. etc. guy int he world. but my dad can only ever insult me an tell me im a loser.

    I dont really talk to them anymore... in fact.. I dont really talk to anyone! lol! Im a sad lonely person :)
  • Balefish said on Jun 29, 2009....
    also that whole part about people making generalizations about you, or judging you to be like everyone else theyve met. yeah. been there for sure. Im 21 now and despite the fact that I've done more things and been more places, met more people, than most people will in their life, I get judged as simply being too young to understand anything !  message me if you feel we should talk.

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